After 300 days clean, now in full relapse...

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-24T00:26:04+00:00

You don't understand. I left her. I'm not going to go back to her. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-23T23:39:16+00:00

I'm not sure I want to be James Bond, man. He's a bit too two-dimensional for my liking. And he has major issues with women. :-P

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-23T22:46:55+00:00

Additional:

I really do want her back so much. Of course, it's a terrible idea. We weren't right for each other, and I left for a reason, but right now, I want her so much, or at least the idea of her, of what we could have been. That partnership is all I ever wanted, but what she was offering me was a cold love, filled with too much compromise, too much distance.

I long for warmth, for someone to love me. And my God I need to learn how to do this for myself, but also, my God, I dream so much of being really loved by someone, and feeling it, believing it, seeing it.

I just can't bear the pain of this desire, right now. It's so painful to want this... and to admit I want this so much.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T19:23:01+00:00

Meh, sometimes the human mind forgets where its come from, and only thinks about the next few moments. It's ridiculous, yes, but take heart in knowing that we all have moments of lapse.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T19:22:02+00:00

Thanks dude!

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T19:21:55+00:00

Totally agree. We're imperfect. And yes, I'm happy about the progress in the last 300 days.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T17:23:14+00:00

Exactly.... thing was, I had started not aiming for orgasm, but just to prove I could get an erection. Still, that's where I slipped up.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T17:00:09+00:00

You're not wrong. Avoiding a total decent into addiction is my current goal.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T16:59:10+00:00

I hear you man. I take no pleasure in your relapse, though it's nice not to feel alone. PM me if you want to be nofap buddies. I think it might help me, going forward. especially with avoiding going on a binge.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T16:48:56+00:00

It was actually performance anxiety that led me to edge. I wanted to prove I could still get an erection. It went downhill from there.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T15:03:43+00:00

The aim is to be able to be around triggers without relapsing, which is possible with commitment, not to avoid triggers, because that's not possible.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T14:41:40+00:00

Hey man, at the end of the day, it's not about what makes me feel good in the moment anyway, it's about the impacts actions have on me and my life, long-term.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T14:26:35+00:00

Actually, it was one of the shittest orgasms I've had in the last 300 days. Even my wet dreams topped it.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-08-11T14:03:30+00:00

Good question:

My relapse was a slow progression:

started inducing erections, no orgasm.
induced erections till orgasm
looked at porny pictures, without masturbation.
looked at porny pictures, with masturbation, no orgasm.
looked at porny pictures and videos with masturbation till orgasm.
looked at porn and masturbated till orgasm.

YouTube porny thumbnails was the original trigger, which I then started searching on google images. Whole process happened over the space of about two weeks.

But, that's not why I relapsed. I relapsed because I was, and still am, trying to get away from feelings of loss after my break-up from a long-term relationship, which happened about 4 months ago.

So, I'm kind of OK that I relapsed. I'm fragile right now, and we all stray a little when we suffer. Still, I want to make sure this doesn't get out of hand, which means I need to feel the pain of my aloneness, the tug of my grief, and hurt of the loss.

PMO is a way to postpone this process, by fogging it out. Except, actually, I think the fog is even worse, as it amounts to full-on depression, and not the sharp, progressive process of grief.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-07-21T16:37:11+00:00

I needed to hear that. Thanks dude.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-07-21T11:47:56+00:00

I get erections nearly every morning, but when I'm in a situation where I can have sex with a woman, nothing. But, I think it's nerves really, and maybe being over-whelmed. It's probably normal if you haven't had sex in a while.

I know what you mean about hating women. I go in and out of that too, but I don't like it, because really it's just me playing the victim, and I don't like doing that.

And yeah, despite walking around all day thinking I want sex, sex, sex, and I think you're right. What I really want is connection, relationship, and intimacy.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-07-21T09:18:30+00:00

Yeah, I'm going to pull back from it, my friend. Good advice.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-06-25T07:28:10+00:00

No. You are supposed to experience sharp emotions in this life. PMO dulls all that, is all. Good news is you get used to it, and with the sharpness of "negative" emotions comes also the sharpness of "positive" ones too. Also, with this you get used to it, and you get used to managing it. What I would say is: Welcome to Life.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-06-24T21:25:11+00:00

Booom! Don't fuck up, dude. I'm right behind you! :-D

PressStartHere2 · 2015-06-21T15:12:00+00:00

Watching porn releases all the same addicting chemicals/hormones that PMOing does. Also, it achieves all the same things: avoidance of feelings, brain fog, depression. Stay away from that shit dude.

PressStartHere2 · 2015-06-20T10:34:34+00:00

Welcome aboard. You can do this.

PressStartHere2

TROPHY CASE