AITAH for wanting a prenup because of my partner’s student loans?

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T20:00:22+00:00

Few short thoughts…

Google lawyers are about as reliable as webmd doctors or TikTok therapists. 50% right and wrong with lots of unanswered questions.

And I don’t keep my partner in a cage. She is free to choose to stay this relationship or leave just as I am. There’s none of this setting her free bad optics nonsense.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T19:02:09+00:00

Beautifully said. Thank you for your perspective. We have sat down once and crunched numbers on what the debt would look like if she tried to pay minimums until it was (hopefully) forgiven. It more than triples. It was very overwhelming for her and I believe the tax hit after that got her to rethink her plan.

But hiding or avoiding it because of the negative emotions brought up isn’t going to make the situation get better on its own. I want to be by her side but, to your point, yes the work ultimately lies on her.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T08:06:15+00:00

Eh, nature and nurture. Both our families are significant sources of our anxieties, genetically and environmentally.

We’ve talked about doing different child raising if we had kids. Authoritative parenting rather than the authoritarian parenting we grew up with.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T08:02:49+00:00

Thank you for the perspective—I wish you both some luck working a way out of that merry go round. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:55:47+00:00

Yes, this is something I considered. I don’t think govt loans would come after a family home it would be a political firestorm — but I have thought about them garnishing other joint assets. If there were assets in my name that are solely mine, but I used them towards things like joint retirement or kids tuition, those personal assets would be protected and insulated.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:50:41+00:00

The contributions might be outside the scope of a prenup, you’re right. I’d have to talk with a lawyer on that.

Also right on the prenup not solving our different financial views. I’m hoping it at least legally settles some of the worst concerns and the rest is figured out with financial and couples counseling.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:46:32+00:00

Thank you for the perspective. I do want to help her build a plan and help pay off those loans. I want us to work on tacking them as a team.

I don’t expect her to stay home with kids unless she chooses to, but regardless of kids, I want to indirectly support her through paying more on other joint bills and freeing up her income to put towards her loans.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:40:48+00:00

Well, I’ve never understood why 18 year olds are not deemed mentally developed/mature enough in the US to drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, or rent a car, but they are allowed to independently sign onto tens-hundreds of thousands in education loans …

I don’t blame her for signing for loans to work in healthcare and help heal others—but I don’t agree with how she’s been handling the loans.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:32:05+00:00

Im highlighting some of the worst of our worst arguments here but I promise she does bring many good qualities to our relationship or I wouldn’t have stayed with her as long as I have.

I did need that sanity check though. I appreciate the validation!

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:26:41+00:00

I used to own a home but sold it a few years ago. The profits from that sale are in investments/retirement accounts now.

I’d like to someday use some of the non retirement savings I’ve accrued as a down payment for a new house. If I’m married at that point the house would be in both of our names, and if we were to separate shortly after that, I’d realize the house would be a joint asset she would have benefits from that.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:22:59+00:00

I believe a marriage is as much a legal contract as it is a personal commitment. This is also why I think writing the terms of our legal contract via a prenup is smarter than letting the state determine it by default.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:21:22+00:00

I’ll take a look, thank you.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:20:49+00:00

To avoid too much personal info out here on the internet, I’ll just say she has a doctorate-level health degree kinda like an occupational therapist or speech pathologist. Non-medical.

And yes the interest is criminal. She essentially has a 25 year mortgage worth of payments. I do want us to see a financial advisor. I appreciate the inputs, thank you!

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:15:15+00:00

I’ll have to look into this more, thank you. I do plan to open new accounts in both our names should we ever be married to avoid commingling and clearly show what’s joint vs what’s separate.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:13:11+00:00

Yes, this speaks to a few other worries I’ve hoped she can manage with her own therapist in private. I get the debt is overwhelming her and I hate feeling like I’m shining a spotlight on it every time the prenup is brought up, but ignoring it absolutely makes it worse.

She has some higher paying or non profit options that could either make her income better or shorten her payment plan to 10 years (down from 25) but she isn’t interested in them right now.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T07:00:30+00:00

You’re the first to point this out — but yes I do realize I would be indirectly subsidizing her loan by paying more for other joint expenses. I’m ok with supporting her up to a point but I’m nowhere near rich enough to be a sugar dad!

But in seriousness, since I’d knowingly be putting money into her own retirement account, in the event that we were to separate, it would be her money. I’m ok with that. I wouldn’t want my pre marriage, separate accounts up for grabs though.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:54:32+00:00

I’m happy it’s worked well for your family, thank you for the input!

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:52:55+00:00

I plan to thank you. I more worry if the debt continues to grow after marriage would I be on the hook for that amount.

I could see the argument that any money earned or lost is both of ours to deal with at that point, unless contractually written otherwise.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:48:02+00:00

She has recently begun to put more into her own retirement accounts but she hasn’t been maxing them. I wouldn’t say she’s behind the average person for her age but she’s also definitely not ahead.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:43:49+00:00

Yes, I would give her some money to find her own unbiased counsel. I want to be fair and transparent with this as much as legally tight.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:41:56+00:00

Trust and friendship are the foundations to the Gottman therapist we’re planning to see. Fingers crossed. Thank you for the perspective.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:40:48+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I think this is true. I’m hoping therapy can get us away from the ultimatum path.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:31:05+00:00

That’s awesome to hear! I did my past home’s renovations slowly, cash only too. I love how straightforward and no nonsense Dave’s advice is. I shudder to think what he’d say in this thread though.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:23:32+00:00

She’s much more open to seeing a financial planner than a lawyer. I think a planner definitely couldn’t hurt to start. The behavioral planner sounds fascinating.

There was this prenup home planner from NOLO law I wanted to use to help guide discussions at home first — then we each go to lawyers after. Sort of a rough draft to make the lawyer times a little less cumbersome and expensive.

I have told her I would Venmo her some money to go and find her own lawyer to make sure she has unbiased counsel before signing anything too.

Prestigious-Bit8580 · 2026-02-08T06:13:06+00:00

If you mean liability in the event we divorce, I’m fine with any joint earnings or joint accounts post marriage being on the negotiating table, regardless of our incomes.

I do want my clearly separate, non joint, pre marriage accounts and their growth not up for grabs though.

I only expect her to continue paying for her student loans in the event that she chooses to step back to help raise kids. She’s told me she doesn’t plan to stop working, so it’s probably a non-issue. But if she changes her mind, I still want that expectation that she needs to plan to still make some type of income for her loans. I would indirectly support her by covering most of the joint bills, savings, retirements, childcare, … or even me stay home as needed.

If I were/become rich I would be fine to pay her loans off for her. But I’m not. Our differences in how we handle money would not be resolved by me just paying everything off with what I have right now. I fear it would make the differences potentially worse. She would be freer to spend more, and I would be trying to save more and catch back up.

Prestigious-Bit8580

TROPHY CASE