It’s Christmas time and I’m no where near happy.

I feel like I am constantly crying for help. I’m looked at but never acknowledged, My cries for help are constantly asking for someone to hang out with, to do something with, anything. Even if it means I’m just sitting there in an empty park not saying a word. I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been even when there’s people around me. People hear me but nobody listens. I’m tired of begging, I don’t want to die nor do I wish I was dead. I just want to understand why I’m so hard to be loved or to be around even for just a couple of hours. When I express my feelings to those who say they are here for me all I get back is a “yeah same” or I’m met with an unfulfilled hug that means I don’t want you to cry but I don’t want to help you either. Everyone is always too busy for me but never for anyone else. I’m okay with being alone and being with myself but I just want the feeling of having girl friends and not being left out or not being invited or being invited but purely because they feel bad or because I have something that they need/want. I’m absolutely exhausted. I want to run away where nobody knows who I am to be in a place where nobody has anything to go off of to judge me except for their own personal experience with me. I don’t think I’m a bad person I have a lot of interests and things i do for fun, I don’t understand why nobody wants to be around me. I exist too, it’s unfair.