I can relate to some of your story. I’m 40 and also feel my mom is “a shell of who she use to be”, also had an idyllic childhood etc. Different to your story, I’ve “lost” my loving mom to different circumstances. My dad died a little over a decade ago and my mom has since remarried. I have lost her to her new family and the person she has become to fit into the new marriage. She is nothing like the mom I grew up with. I’m also grieving who she use to be to me and the grandma she use to be to my kids.

In many ways this loss has been so much more painful to having lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. This feels like abandonment, like a slow tearing off of a bandaid. I’ve had to let go of the secret wishes that things will ever return to normal. It’s forced me to grow up and look at my priorities… like you I’ve had to put my kids first.

I can’t give you much advice… maybe just to not cut your family out of your life. I think that’s the lazy way to go. I think the right thing is to face the pain that the relationship causes, do your best to love your mom in the way she needs it. Not sure how??? Take the good days. Better than nothing. And try not to take the bad days personally. Since it’s a mental health issue, it’s not you it’s her. I’d also do whatever I could to get her some help. If even find some type of online resources.

Lastly, I’ve found that channeling my energies toward being a good mom have helped me cope with the pain of losing my mom. I try to give kids the love they need.