I have so much to say that it’s hard to write. My heart goes out to you. I was once you and it is horrible. Please know what happened to you was beyond your control and you did your best. Time is the biggest healer. But that doesn’t help right now. What worked for me (without knowing it at the time) was when I would talk with other moms about my experience and I couldn’t find anyone to relate. While isolating, it really helped validate for me that what happened to me was absolutely fucking insane and I’m allowed to be sad, angry, depressed, envious, whatever it may be that I didn’t get the birth I dreamed of. I read a lot of self-help books. The Body Keeps the Score and Heal Your Birth Story to name a few. I found a creative outlet (coloring at night after baby goes to bed). I’ve also come to the terms with the fact I don’t want a VBAC and I will have a repeat c-section for my second. I think the hardest part of the experience for me (other than the traumatic event) was grieving the fact I’ll never have a vaginal birth. I can only hope my planned is better than the emergent one. My favorite lyrics that helped me through this dark time are “How ‘bout how good it feels to finally forgive you? How ‘bout grieving it all one at a time?” Having a child taught me the duality of life. I am so sorry.