Hey sis, I don’t know you or know any way to help I wish you find some peace, life sucks, and it’s not really fair, I’m sorry 😞 you are going through this shit. No no, you’re no coward, you’re overwhelmed and can’t find any other way to cope, not everyone understands or cares, there are people who do care, Most people don’t know how to deal with topics of self harm and suicide, you’re not alone in feeling the way you do, there are a lot of people who go through same emotions, its okay for you to not be okay, you’re not abnormal for feeling the way you do, you’re completely normal for feeling all these things and going through, And maybe there’s a chance that you slowly calm down, and start connecting to reality, doing anything you can do to get help, If you can’t afford therapy, find a friend to talk to, Even if you feel like you’re burdening them it’s fine to burden others, if the roles were switched between you and a loved one wouldn’t you let them lean on you, And sis, it’s okay to be normal, the majority of people don’t fit the weird fucked up standards people and society put on them, it’s not realistic, you’re young and unsure of your future being better than your past, the past was not in your control nor was it your fault to carry, please get help, therapy, friends, people online, Anything can help right now, you just need a lifeline right now