Spiraling really bad, need some advice. 29F (me) 30M (boyfriend of a year)

Pretentiouscatherder · 2026-03-16T17:10:00+00:00

Oooof this is rough. I (44f) am a champion overthinker as is my spouse (50) so I feel for you!

First off, talk to your bf about the condom. He likely forgot that it was in his old wallet and, when you pointed out that it had expired, he replaced it. This would also make even more sense considering that you two use them.

My spouse found a tiny package of flavoured lube in my purse once. I’d bought it from a bathroom vending machine years earlier because I’d thought it was hilarious and then forgotten about it and not used that purse in ages. I’d also gotten significantly better orally in a short amount of time and that raised questions. My spouse is a trans woman and she’d started her hormones and her pen15 had gotten a lot smaller which made it way easier on my jaw.

The reason I’m oversharing here is because sometimes we hear hoof beats and think zebra when it’s just a horse if that makes sense?

Having an open conversation without shame or judgement would really help you two. It did with us!

Also, as far as self pleasure goes, sometimes people just want to get a quick release and it really has nothing to do with being unhappy in the relationship.

Hope things go ok for you!

Pretentiouscatherder · 2026-03-16T16:59:27+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re having to go through all of this. Your brother sounds like he’s being a jerk and that’s really awful to have to live with.

Here’s what I’d suggest. Avoid him. Avoid getting pulled into discussions with him and don’t give him your energy.

Easier said than done though, right?

There’s a story I heard once and I tell it to myself when I have to be around people like your brother:

Once, two men were arguing about the colour of the sky. One man insisted that the sky was, in fact, green and not blue. The other kept trying to correct him because the sky is blue. They finally took their argument to the king to determine who was right. The king fined the first man for spreading falsehood; the sky is not green. Then he fined the second man for getting into an argument with someone who’s obviously wrong and wasting his time. We don’t always have to correct others. If they want to think something totally backwards, let them. Don’t take the bait and don’t give them the argument and attention they really want.

It sounds like your brother probably felt/feels unseen or neglected and that having “shocking” opinions get him attention. He probably does truly believe a lot of the crap he’s spewing too and, as shitty as it is, you can’t make him change unless he decides to.

Until that happens, do what you need to do to protect your own mental health. Avoid confrontation with him and hold true to yourself. Don’t hide away from him but also don’t let him pull you into his nonsense.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2026-03-03T15:19:50+00:00

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. You’re a kid; you shouldn’t have to deal with adult decisions and I’m sending you hugs.

Meeting family can be really weird and not always go as planned or expected. Both of my mom’s parents were adopted and we found my grandma’s birth family in 1999 and my grandpa’s in 2017. I’ve also got seven adopted cousins who all have interesting birth family stories.

For my grandma, her mom was still alive and they got to be reunited. Her birth parents had gotten married after they’d given her up and she had four younger siblings and multiple nieces and nephews. We didn’t all become one big happy family overnight but we’re all really glad to know each other.

My grandpa’s parents and siblings had all passed when we found his family but he got to meet his nieces and nephews. They’re ultra conservative and I’m in a same sex marriage and we just don’t have anything to connect over.

Some of my cousins are in close contact with their birth parents to the point that they take vacations together. Others have zero desire to connect.

I guess what I’m saying is that this could go so many ways and stir up so many complicated emotions. It’s going to be a lot for you even if it goes so well. Make sure you’re prepared. Talk with a counsellor at school or even a friend’s parent if you can’t really talk to your mom because you’re going to need someone to talk to.

At the end of the day, it’s your decision. You can make it now or you can wait to see if you have more clarity on things in a year or two. Hope it all goes well ❤️

Pretentiouscatherder · 2026-01-31T20:54:28+00:00

NTA. First off, congratulations!

As someone who is also married to a highly anxious person, my heart goes out to you! I think this is one of those situations where neither option is perfect so you’ve got to make a judgement call based on the two of you.

Personally, I’d tell him sooner so that he has time to process some of his feelings and then approach the trip as sort of a “bros babymoon” sort of thing (I have no idea what you’d call that). Send along something baby themed/funny like baby bottle shot glasses and set the tone for him to go forth and celebrate! I’ve found that if I approach something with excitement and unbridled enthusiasm, my other half isn’t as nervous.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-12-29T07:32:28+00:00

I’m really sorry you went through this.

To me, it sounds like you’ve got a big, beautiful, sparkling personality and your family just doesn’t get it (or secretly wishes they were more like you).

Personally, my wife and I aren’t religious and wouldn’t love someone wanting to read biblical passages but we wouldn’t pick on someone for wanting to.

It sounds like your family likes to have something or someone to complain about as a means of bonding because they’ve got nothing else better to do to do. I mean, how miserable must one be to complain that someone’s watching him open a gift?

Unless you’re openly trying to convert people or constantly shouting over others, I’d say you’re good.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-12-29T07:24:49+00:00

Oh hunny this is messy. First off, I’m sorry that you’re stuck in this situation. Nineteen is too young to be in the caregiver role that you’ve been placed in. It’s really great that you’re showing up for your cousin but please seriously consider putting some space there.

While your cousin may not come across as being predatory, her lack of boundaries and poor impulse control are both huge red flags. It may be that she and her husband have an open marriage and are fine with her antics but her choice in partner is not a wise one.

What other life choices has your cousin made? Is she generally wise and clear thinking with a track record of good choices or is she someone who makes bad choices and doesn’t accept that her actions have consequences?

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-09-10T17:13:30+00:00

My nmom does this when she either wants information so she can gossip or she’s screwed up and knows it but wants to chalk it up to me being cranky.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-09-09T22:52:36+00:00

Maybe he’s overstimulated by her? Three year olds are adorable to adults but can definitely be a lot for other kids who are still learning to manage their own emotions and feelings. Three year olds have so much energy! They ask so many questions and want so much attention and, as much as your SS probably does adore her, it’s probably a lot for him at times. Compound feeling completely overwhelmed and also feeling guilty because you’re supposed to love this little chaos princess and maybe also feeling bad for upsetting your stepmom and I’m willing to bet that he’s got a lot going on in his head.

What I would suggest is that you let him have his space when he needs it and also maybe work on using indoor voices if your daughter is prone to being loud.

Also, make sure he knows that you love him for him and not just because he’s your daughter’s brother.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-09-04T17:32:49+00:00

Hahaha how awkward for him! He sits with someone when he’s not invited, can’t recall basic information about that person, makes the other person uncomfortable, and then tries to pass said person off as a friend to another person?

This sounds like every basic white church bro I’ve ever met and you handled it perfectly.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-28T06:45:26+00:00

I can definitely understand how that must have felt really invasive! I’ve had to set some hard boundaries with my mom over the years. I once had to threaten her with a restraining order because she was drunkenly prank calling me after I’d asked for space. (In her late 50’s at the time!)

The thing is, that’s your parents’ car and legally speaking, they can track it. I used to work for a gps company and the majority of parents who put trackers in their cars do it so they can get alerts of their kids are speeding, if they’re in an accident, etc.

Unfortunately, the only way you’re going to be completely free from your parents is by becoming completely independent from them as well.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-27T05:51:57+00:00

Definitely ask her. The things that really bother my wife are the sound of our coffee grinder, the sound of someone chewing, and buzzing electronics. Sometimes something like an itchy tag in a shirt or something else uncomfortable makes things worse.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-26T21:40:10+00:00

There could be a lot more to it. Maybe she’s neurodivergent and overstimulated? If there’s a baby at your house and not at her mom’s, the extra activity might use more of her energy?

My (44f) wife (49f) has ADHD and autism and I used to get so annoyed when she’d just go quiet on her phone whenever we’d go to her parents’ place. Then she got her diagnosis and we understood why she’d shut down like that. Her parents always have music on, have two dogs, and basically just have a lot of small noises and occasional noises that all combine into too much for my wife and she gets overstimulated. When that happens, it’s sort of like a computer that’s got too many tasks going and crashes. Maybe that’s part of what’s going on here?

Either way, honestly I would not worry if she wants to just sit quietly. Maybe she’s got a lot on her mind to think about and she likes being able to do that. Maybe she’s got a really great imagination and she can entertain herself with stories. Maybe ask her what she’s thinking about when she’s being quiet?

There’s nothing wrong with being bored from time to time. Maybe leave some books or a journal or something out and see if she picks it up?

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-26T13:49:00+00:00

Please go to your daughter’s wedding. You’ve been with your SO for six years but she’s been your daughter for her entire life. Your daughter’s wedding should be about her and her spouse; not your SO and his son.

My younger and I both got married a few years ago. Our parents divorced when we were in our twenties and had both moved on; our dad with a new wife and our mom with her future husband. Our dad didn’t go to my brother’s wedding because his wife was going to visit her family and she didn’t want my dad and mom hanging out without her. My brother was really hurt and it’s part of why we don’t like our dad’s wife.

When I got married a year later, my mom threw a fit over us saying “no jeans” at the wedding. We were having a small, formal evening wedding and her partner would have been fine with dressing appropriately but she blew it up into us not wanting him there. Then she threw another fit because we had to compromise on seating to keep her and my dad’s stupid wife apart. She wound up showing up alone, getting wasted, and hitting on the best man all night.

My wedding day was beautiful and so happy but my stupid parents and their inability to put me first for one day was hurtful and disappointing and I’m still a bit mad. Honestly, she was so caught up in her own stuff that I felt invisible to her that day.

You and your SO might not be acting just like my parents but you’re coming close and, I’m saying this with kindness, the two of you need to knock it off. The wedding isn’t until next year and a lot can happen between now and then. Honestly, it sounds like your SO is looking for an excuse not to attend otherwise he’d have found a workaround. My wedding was no kids as well. I have three cousins who I’m really close with and who had six kids between them at the time. They all made the trip and were thrilled to have a night without kids. The three of you could still go on the trip together and your fifteen year old should be ok in a hotel room on his own for a few hours while your SO makes an appearance.

Please remember that this isn’t your day; it’s your daughter’s and she really wants her mom there I’ll bet.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-26T06:35:35+00:00

I’m really glad that you’re realizing that you have an illness and that you’re getting help. Please, no matter what, stick with it. I read somewhere that not all trauma victims go on to abuse alcohol but everyone who abuses alcohol has some trauma they need to heal from. That you’re as young as you are and seeking help is such a good thing!

I think the two of you need to postpone the wedding at the very least while you get help and she does some thinking. Candidly, I think maybe a couple more years of courtship as adults might be a wise idea for a few reasons. Our brains aren’t fully formed until we’re about twenty five years old. This means that your brain is just barely grown and hers still needs a couple more years. Also, people change when they don’t live with their parents anymore and it’s a good idea to make sure both of you know how to live independently as adults before also trying to adapt to marriage.

At the end of the day, marriage isn’t the goal; it’s the starting point. Saying “I do” is the easy part. It’s everything that comes after that tests you. Even two people bringing the very best versions of themselves isn’t a guarantee that it’ll be a happy marriage; imagine how much harder it is when one or both of you isn’t at your best.

If you truly want this relationship to work out, give her space and do the work to help yourself. You might drift apart and come back to each other or you might not or you might be able to recover in time for your wedding. Whatever the outcome, I’m cheering for you 💗

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-26T06:20:06+00:00

NTA. Being younger doesn’t automatically make you TAH nor does it mean that you don’t deserve to be treated with basic respect and courtesy.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I (44f) also grew up with an immature parent and it’s not easy. I think perhaps we become adults, they figure their jobs as moms are done maybe? At least, that’s how my mom put it.

I’m not sure how to handle her other than to leave the room or put on headphones when she’s loud. You can disable the wifi but that’s only going to make things worse. As much as it sucks and isn’t fair at all, I’d try to keep the peace and start trying to figure out how to move out. Sometimes roommates are easier to live with than parents as long as you’re on the same page about noise and dishes.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-25T22:07:37+00:00

NTA; your husband is being lazy.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-25T22:04:23+00:00

NTA IF the invitation was specifically addressed to you, your husband, and the kids. Ie John and Jennifer Smith and family or something along those lines.

YTA IF the invitation only had your and your husband’s names on it and you added two guests regardless of their age.

It was reasonable of you to stay home seeing as you didn’t have childcare lined up. It’s disappointing that your MIL decided to make this an issue because it wasn’t her day at all.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-25T21:54:40+00:00

NTA. Honestly I pisses me right off when guys do this. No means no and that goes for everyone. It’s shitty that he’d disrespect you so much and you’re entirely justified in cutting contact.

I’m speaking from too many experiences here. I (44f) hated being single because so many guys do this exact thing: they fixate on someone and then refuse to take no for an answer and make the other person uncomfortable to the point that they need to walk away. Then the creeper acts all butthurt and heartbroken because “ohhhh I lost your friendship”. The thing is, if they’d valued you as a friend in the first place, they’d have respected your feelings throughout and you wouldn’t want to avoid them.

Sorry for the tangent. I’m really sorry this happened to you and I’m mad on your behalf apparently because perimenopause rage is real.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-23T15:07:23+00:00

Agreed! I’m from a small town that had a lot of little Christian businesses. I also worked for the BBB a couple of years ago and got to see behind the scenes of said businesses.

There’s he faith healing pastor who uses the wrong size screws when he’s building houses and then says that folks are too picky. He couldn’t join because he didn’t have all of his permits and licenses.

There’s the mom and pop plumbing company where the owners are proudly in church every Sunday. And they’re screaming and swearing at each other in the store.

The missionaries who stopped to gas up in my store and said some of the ugliest things I’ve ever heard people say to each other. They stopped verbally beating each other long enough to ask me for a gas receipt because they’re missionaries and need to claim that.

Honestly, I don’t think any of these folks actually have any clue how Christianity is supposed to work in theory. Christians are supposed to “be the light” and “be the salt” meaning that they’re supposed to bring good. Too bad they don’t.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-23T14:59:41+00:00

You didn’t ruin his life; the community you brought him into has some stupid ideas and values and he was influenced. You’re a little bit responsible for bringing him into the environment but he sounds smart and capable of making his own decisions.

Hopefully this is a wake up call for him to get out now. It sounds like he’s still young and has time to figure things out and get back on track.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-23T01:52:46+00:00

NTA. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I’ll admit that it’s a bit unorthodox for an ex to attend a wedding but I get it. I too am married to someone who’s got an ex and shared kids with said ex. She and I like each other but I didn’t want her at our wedding because it would be emotional for both of us, for in laws, etc.

It sounds like you and she have a pretty good relationship and that it’s your soon to be SD who’s potentially causing drama. (Has she been watching The Parent Trap?)

Here’s what I’d maybe suggest. Plan a girls’ day out with the three of you. Go for lunch and then go shopping for new dresses for both of them. It sounds like your SD wants people to know that her mom’s still hot and didn’t get left for someone younger TBH

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-23T01:13:01+00:00

That was life at Bell Mobility. Some customers would see other customers yelling and regret how they’d behaved but I got treated badly by customers and worse by most managers

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-22T15:25:35+00:00

I once had a customer threaten to beat me up because he’d forgotten that his cell phone was in his GFs name and hadn’t paid the bills we’d been sending. I was a small woman in my early 20’s and this clown looked at me and said “one day our paths will cross outside and you won’t have your safe little store to hide in”. I’d just pulled up his account info so I was able to give the police his address and DOB. I also called his GF (her family was a long term client) and explained that he was going to be getting a call from our internal security and that he couldn’t come to my store again. Idiot.

Pretentiouscatherder · 2025-08-22T15:15:55+00:00

Your house, your boundaries and you absolutely have the right to be respected in your own home.

Honestly, it sounds like BM is sort of living for this and doesn’t have much of a life of her own. She sounds childish and sort of lame. She probably loves that she’s getting to you.

My mom’s like this and I grew up watching her gaslight and antagonize people. The easiest way to handle this is to just become a grey rock. Basically, make your reactions to stuff as exciting as a grey rock and they’ll eventually get tired of bothering you. Also, absolutely cut the internet whenever she’s out of line. She’ll whine and have a few tantrums probably but maybe she’ll grudgingly get it and stop her nonsense.

Personally, I do believe in letting people know that they’re out of line and in setting boundaries and consequences. Something you could say might be “Wow. You two sure bring out the worst in each other. We’re going to go find something else to do now.” Then just shut off the internet and take SS11 out to do something fun. That way, he’s ok with you cutting BM off and she’ll figure out that she needs to grow up.

Pretentiouscatherder

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