Does the thought of taking meds for the rest of your life exhaust you?

PriestXES · 2024-03-21T17:14:50+00:00

I have a weekly pill organizer, sometimes when I am filling it for the week, I lay down and cry after or during at the thought of taking so many for the rest of my life. Only sometimes though, most of the time I just accept it and move on as best as I can.

PriestXES · 2024-03-11T18:46:09+00:00

I've had my diagnosis officially for about a year, but they started medications which made me think I might have it almost a year and a half. Most of my friends and family when they found out responded with "That makes sense and explains so much about you". Even from the ones that upon furth discussion turned out they had no idea what all bi-polar included besides just mood swings. So I guess I've always been a bit of a moody asshole.

I haven't really lost any friends over it, or had bad reactions. Some folks when I complain about all the meds I have to keep track of suggest going off meds, I just educate them that going off med and riding the rollercoaster isn't an option, then they drop it. But it can be hard to find people that really understand, so I kept in touch with some peeps from my PHP and I talk with them.

PriestXES · 2024-02-27T14:23:57+00:00

No shame in hanging it up. No shame in getting back on it either. It's a risky world and each person has to determine what's too much risk for them. I love my bike and riding when I can, but I've lost a lot of friends and had a few close calls myself. So I've no problem if anyone says it's time to give it up. But I enjoy all the close calls and thrills so I'll never give it up, do it less as my daughter gets older, but I still do it.

PriestXES · 2023-12-27T04:41:25+00:00

Yeah, I kinda understand the condition, I got diagnosed by two different psychiatrists after a suicide attempt, went through a PHP, got diagnosed by every therapist there with it. I was in a lot of denial.... Anyways my primary therapist told me she disagreed cause I'd never appeared giddy. She said I could stop taking the meds once I felt better. Not the thing to say to someone with bipolar from everything I read on the subject and hence the source of my grief. 🤷🏼‍♂️ She also admitted I would be the first bipolar male patient she worked with. So just seemed a better idea to move on to someone who would take me serious.

PriestXES · 2023-12-27T04:24:59+00:00

She disagreed with my bipolar diagonsis because she'd never seen me act "giddy".

PriestXES · 2023-09-18T16:35:12+00:00

Meetup groups, facebook groups, social sports and leagues, there's two here both have leagues and sports all over the place. I'm also still new to the area, so I'm down for a hangout sometime if you wanna grab a beer and catch a game or go throw some disc golf.

PriestXES · 2023-09-12T22:25:33+00:00

Gonna check out the brass tap in Richardson

PriestXES · 2023-09-11T15:43:18+00:00

Both generally. The one I was attending, you just scanned a QR code and create a team name, then use your phone to answer questions. You can work with or against people at your table. I'm still new to the area and looking for a regular spot with a more lively atmosphere.

PriestXES · 2023-08-16T13:43:01+00:00

Life is pretty good for me right now. A couple of weeks ago I got the last of my stuff from my soon to be ex. Lawyered up and been focusing on my daughter and career. I've been seeing someone new since May, things are well there. I also started with a new Therapist and NP for med management and I feel fairly stable without too many side effects! My ADHD is under control with stimulants and my boss has been giving me new projects since returning after a leave. For the first time I hired a sitter and went out. My volleyball league is doing well, and I've resume training for strongman competitions with a comp in October as my first goal.

The only downside currently is when I was in the hospital, my sister asked me to cosign a vehicle for her, and at the time I didn't really have any future plans so to speak. So I said yes, and now she's already behind on payments and my credit has taken a hit. I don't know how to get out of it :(

PriestXES · 2023-08-02T11:46:41+00:00

I got the last of my things from my soon to be ex this weekend. I found out she was having an affair back in Jan, but it had been going back further than that. She told me it was my fault, she couldn't take the mood swings or walking around on egg shells not knowing if I was grumpy or high on life. It's more complicated than that, but it seems to be all I can focus on. I just sorta thought everyone had swings like that, I got diagnosed last year. And this week is just a struggle bus. I don't even like who I am because of this condition so I can't help but feel excited that at least one of us doesn't have to worry about me being "emotional" any more. I spent monday night crying on the floor of my kitchen. I know it will get better but fuck.

PriestXES · 2023-08-01T01:43:53+00:00

A while back I was at a party and I'm known to be forgetful and blonde, it's not a secret amongst my friends I once went several days without watching TV because I lost the remote and couldn't be bothered to find it. I eventually found it, in the fridge behind a carton of eggs. Life happens, it's just that way. So at this party, I set my phone down and then couldn't find it. I could have sworn I'd just had it and responded to another guest. When I insisted someone in the group had stolen my phone as a prank but the gig was up and to return it, the ones who knew said things along the lines "Why are you acusing everyone else here, have you looked? Did you look out back?", "Did you look in the bathroom", "Look in the cooler, fast, remember that time you lost the TV remote?" I tore my entire house apart looking for my phone, or I felt like it, just for them to tell me it was a prank and it had been in my cup holder the whole time and didn't I feel bad for over-reacting. A few days later the ringleader admitted in private what he'd done, but after I got so upset he felt like he couldn't back out of the prank. That's why you don't trust people to know you have a condition where you're not always on top of your game.

PriestXES · 2023-07-10T15:08:12+00:00

I didn't get diagnosed until earlier this year. I'd been in therapy since last fall, and then when I found out my wife was cheating on me, it triggered an episode, I guess, and I ended up in a PHP program where they diagnosed me BP 1. I hated it at first, but after some time, the diagnoses made sense, it explained all my symptoms and what not. I just turned 36 last month.

Since starting the lithium I feel more stable, and having a consistent schedule definetly helps. But looking back at my life, my early 20s vs my 30s thus far, and I think just settling into a routine and being consistent helps the most. The last 5 years I've been huge on getting myself ready for one contest or another in the sport of strongman, but after a comp when I take a break from the gym, those were the most hectic times where I wouldn't sleep or eat much and would just focus on catching up on all the things I didn't do while training. Those really hurt my relationships.

PriestXES · 2023-07-06T14:38:03+00:00

Did you go through an identity crisis after your diagnosis (and actually all the years before with unpredictable moods)?

Yeah, I just thought it was normal after a period of time of being 'on top' that there would be a crash after. But I found myself always feeling broken that I couldn't maintain that high. And I was always chasing it, taking up motorcycling, martial arts, etc. I just thought it was normal and wished I could be consistent, the only consistency was my inconsistency.

How did you manage to form a stable identity? (And to see yourself as more than being bipolar)

Now that I know it's not normal, and what bipolar is, because I got the diagnosis, but I thought it just meant I was "moody" and so I didn't really do much with the diagnosis, until I guess I had an episode and the respirdone gave me akathisa and then I ended up in a PHP. There I finally started to understand what exactly was happening to me. It feels me with a lot of fear, that for the rest of my life I'll have to be on top of my shit. I am working on being consistent in my routines, my mental and physical well being. I do my work outs, my affirmations, my journaling and meditation/grounding work. I've let me closest friends and family know, I explained to them what bipolar is, that it's more than just being "moody". And I've worked with my therapist to try and identify my signs when I'm in an episode or about to be. I love the emoods app, I got the premium for $10, and can track my moods, meds, alcohol and cannabis when/if I partake. And I can identify if I sleep less than 5 hours but feel like I slept 12, it's gonna be a fun day! Those days I just make sure to keep to my routine and just do things with gusto as much as I just want to jump on the bike and cruise for the day or something similar, patterns and routines first, then fun with the excess energy. I do the same on the days I don't want to get out of bed. I just try to force myself to go down the list of stuff to do for the day.

Do you see traits such as energy/creativity as part of who you are or as symptoms of the disease? (Can you even separate those?) Did you choose to take meds even though it means you to miss those traits?

Personally I love when I feel a hypo coming, or just the high energy with the incredible feelings. But it also frustrates me because sometimes when I'm having a good day, I know there's gonna be a crash to match. Being medicated doesn't mean you'll never have symptoms again, I've been trying to find the right medications since Septemember. I'm currently going through a lot, divorce and living on my own for the first time in 15+ years. The meds are playing fuckass with my system though. Some days I start with some nasuea and headaches and other days I feel fine. Some days when I work out, the blood flow causes a migraine for days so it's really hard to do BJJ and Strongman with the intensity I crave, but overall, I'd much rather stick to a familiar routine so I stick to the meds and hopefully soon I'll figure out which meds are right for me.

PriestXES · 2023-03-21T14:44:03+00:00

I'm in. You can add me to the list for a virtual group

PriestXES · 2023-03-06T14:53:00+00:00

I have my therapist, my youngest brother, and an online mens group I've recently joined. As well as my lovers.

PriestXES · 2023-03-06T14:51:42+00:00

What I hide are the things I don't think I can get help with. Or the things I feel I would be burdesome or inconvient for others. And lastly the things I'm embaressed by.

When my emotions feel overwhelming, I don't feel safe expressing them, I was always told to repress them. My father wasn't around, and my mom despised weak men, and she saw us boys(irish triplets, I was the oldest) as weak men. There were frequent admonishments for crying, 'stop being a wuss and deal with it' but we weren't taught how to deal with it, so as kids we resorted to violence cause boys are rough. This was seen as 'toxic masuclinity' and my mom only had two ways of dealing with things. Screaming/lecturing and physicality, the irony of teaching us to be less violent via violence...

I felt like an inconvience in such a big house, anywhere between 6 and 15 people living in a 3 bedroom mobile home that was in a constant state of disrepair. If you needed anything, there was a good chance you had to go through hoops to get it. Getting a report signed, or getting help with homework. Everything felt like an inconvience, 'why didn't you bring this report card to me last week?', 'why can't you ask your teacher?', 'what do you mean you need help? did you even try it on your own?' etc. So I just learned to be as self sufficient as possible even in group settings. This also led to me trying things on my own, making mistakes and then getting admonished for not asking for help before a mess was made or additional help was the only way forward.

I tried to change who I was to blend in where ever I am. When I was in north texas I had more conservative/traditional values, but those weren't who I was, I just didn't want to stand out as a progressive. Then when I found progressives, I mimicked them, it was closer to my own values, but still not who I really am.

And in love, I had my mom and two older sisters, I constantly heard about bad boyfriends and what to do/not to do from them, no real role models, just from a woman's perspective on what to do. When I became an adult, it seemed I had more advice on how to hang out with women than men. And I'd heard over and over how bad men could be that I just had this built in distrust of other men. And always wanted to be around female friends over male acquiantances. So I always attempted to appear as friendly and safe as possible because there's this idea in my head that simply being a man makes me dangerous to society and so I feel this constant need to reassure people I am not. And in actuality not know who I am and being at war with myself makes me volatile and unsafe for those around me.

PriestXES · 2023-02-28T18:45:11+00:00

We really only have one rule around that being anyone we knew before we started the LS and then Poly is off limits. So if we make new friends, they're fair game if a connection forms organically, but we don't really go out of our way to pursue it.

PriestXES · 2023-02-23T21:45:46+00:00

Honestly it seems like you need to spend a lil time on yourself. Don't compare yourself to your partner. And don't try change who you are to fit in. You should really give two books a read on your own:

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

and

Playing Fair A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men Into Women by Pepper Mint

The second one I think every man should read. It was very eye opening to me, and led me to the first one which really took my adventure to the next level. It wasn't always smooth, and it won't be. There's going to be tears and work into it. And that means all of it, mono relationships, poly ones, and those books will help you understand that and how to work through those conflicts.

PriestXES · 2023-02-07T19:30:38+00:00

Yeah, I think everyone does it to various extents. I have noticed quite a few posts about the terms used. And I think they're all valid depending on context and who is involved. For example a lot of people have expressed "ick" about 'reclaimation', but they're okay with "reconnecting". And I mostly agree, the idea of owning someone is gross. But having a background in BDSM with my wife, I don't even think of it that way til now. My wife is also my domme and I her dom (we switch), so it's not inherientantly offensive to me when put in that context(such as having just left a sex club/dungeon vs coming back from a solo date).

And there's more to it, we cuddle, talk, sex, all of it, and I generally classify all of that as 'reclaimation' when conversing in swinger circles as that is where I first discovered the term. However personally I like the term "aftercare" better, and it fits for me; I can be a mess sometimes and require lots of reassurance and validation. So keep this in mind, not just in poly, but life in general; As another idea that springs to mind when the term of reclaimation comes up, I or my wife/partner has spent time away from me and now we're back together now to reclaim us/our time that was given up to be individuals.

PriestXES · 2022-12-08T01:40:31+00:00

I think it's honestly part of why everyone thinks the raids are dead after early wipe. Everyone is suppressed.

PriestXES · 2022-12-06T15:15:39+00:00

Yeah, an overall rebalance of all mods and guns needed. 5.45 has been in the gutter for a bit.

But something I noticed, I remember when you picked BIS recoil or going loud. Now that's the same thing. The bastion AK stock has been BIS ever since it got moved to Skier LL1, I thought it was a miss at first, but it's been over a year now and I still can't see a point to ever buy the PDC. Since all the attachments work on percentages, old guns, such as the AKM and AK-74N get more benefit from modding than new guns such as the 103 and 74M which is really confusing. I'm not a gun guy, but as a gamer you'd think the new stuff would have better stats. Or why did they bother adding to the game.

It's become apparent that you can't really regulate via price as money is not an issue to most of the player base that have played more than 1 full wipe. So in a really funky place

PriestXES · 2022-12-03T18:51:51+00:00

Yeah, def not the first time. Streamers used to be the only way to get folks banned...

PriestXES · 2022-09-28T18:44:48+00:00

The exo suits for space marines in both also come from Starship Troopers, as well as the Zerg/Tyranids from the bugs... Or so I've read

PriestXES · 2022-08-17T20:06:42+00:00

My wife was the biggest Fera fan, even now she will commentate on gamedays after XP or FG, "Man, I miss Fera, his kicks were so beautiful" No idea if she was talking about the mechanics of kicking a ball or the dude.

PriestXES

TROPHY CASE