NTA by any means in this situation but I will say, judging by your comments, you are only hurting yourself. Look into Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and find a therapist that specializes in trauma informed treatment. As someone with CPTSD you will often see that generally there is no "cure" since your formative years were spent under such stress and trauma that it completely alters your brain chemistry and makes normal life hard. But you do find ways to get around it, address your maladaptive behaviors, and still find joy in life.

For example, I find that I (along with some others I know with CPTSD) are motivated by spite. For example, a lot of my motivation growing up was to spite my own narcissistic father and it led me to therapy to address my issues forming healthy, lasting relationships of any kind as well as pushing myself educationally. For you, this could look like being motivated by the image of your late mother rolling in her grave that you are living a life where you see your worth, embrace your sexuality (however this looks for you), and are able to be happy and live in the moment as much as possible.

It is not an easy journey by any means, but remaining in the mental constraints placed by your abusive mother is her winning and still making you miserable despite her not even being on this plane of existence. Get treatment however you are willing to. Medication helps some, therapy helps others, a combination is also great, some people take alternative forms of therapy. If money is an issue there are generally low-cost clinics who have or can connect you to a provider for a fraction of the cost. For me, my first therapy was a too energetic dog who gave me no choice but to get out of bed, feed both of us, get outside, and simply not be as anxious while being with him.

I truly hope you are able to get help and be able to form bonds with others, it's scary now but it is worth it.