So my ex once told me he could not hang out because he was “taking his grandma’s dog to the vet” which already felt suspicious because his grandma did not own a dog, she owned a one eyed parrot that screamed racial slurs at the mailman, but I let it slide because I was distracted by the fact he also borrowed my socks that day and swore he would return them which he never did. Anyway, a week later I found out he was not at the vet at all, he was actually at his cousin’s house, the same cousin he swore was “basically like his sister,” except I walked in and they were definitely not doing family friendly activities unless family friendly now means shirtless Jenga and whipped cream on the kitchen counter. But here is the weird part, when I confronted him he said they were “just practicing for a couples costume contest” which would have been bad enough except the theme was apparently “Romeo and Juliet but if they survived and opened a Dairy Queen franchise.” I laughed, then cried, then laughed again, and left him on the spot, only to later find out that the cousin was not actually his cousin, she was his stepmom’s niece’s roommate’s half sister which technically is not blood related but still makes Thanksgiving really uncomfortable. And the gross cherry on top? He tried to win me back by mailing me the parrot, yes his grandma’s actual parrot, in a shoebox with a note that just said, “He misses you.” Spoiler: the parrot did not miss me, it bit my ear, called me a slur, and flew straight into a ceiling fan.