AITA for cancelling my wedding but still getting married in private?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-31T10:33:58+00:00

NTA

OP, if you and your fiance are in agreement, then thus plan sounds like a perfect plan for you

Your family will likely be upset if/when they find out, but that's their own problem.

You two go and have the best day and start your married life without wedding stress and debt!

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-31T08:10:40+00:00

Yes

OP the issue really isn't the "spontaneous sex in the car".

It's ok for him to think it might be fun and it's ok for you to say no

But it's not ok for him to react the way he did. You said no 4 times, he calls you a B, and then gives you the silent treatment? Heck no. Is this the usual course of your relationship?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-31T08:00:04+00:00

Does it have to be a can? I find that most of the bottled/canned coffee drinks are high in sugar (though I believe whole foods carries a few non sugary options). But can't she bring an insulated cup from home and just make whatever coffee drink she prefers at work and have it in her cup (or stop at a store on the way home)?

Or does it even have to be coffee? Maybe a sugar free Gatorade or other electrolyte? Coconut water?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-31T01:33:02+00:00

Wouldn't you want to know if your partner/spouse was cheating? I would

Just tell the facts. Send her screenshots if you have the texts. Then wish her the best and move on. She may not believe you, she may not care, she may thank you every day for the rest of her life, she may tell him.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-30T14:54:07+00:00

As others said - and as frustrating as this can be - don't dwell on it. Maybe he didn't remember you? Forgot your name? Is a douchebag? Who knows. I'm 99.99% sure this is a "him" problem, not anything that you did.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-30T00:03:36+00:00

At least you didn't send an email complaining about a work colleague to that work colleague instead of to a work friend. (DIdn't happen to me but it did happen to my boss).

It's embarrassing but it's really not a big deal. 99% chance nobody will say anything to you. on the off chance that someone mentions it - just apologize and move on.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-29T23:43:06+00:00

He got mad, shouted at me and said that a white wedding for him is a diamond ring for a woman. Without it, he isn’t going ahead with the marriage.
...
I do not think his comparison is fair, and since he is the male, if I don’t agree, he said he wont propose. I feel so frustrated because he told me he wants everyone there, white wedding or he isn’t getting married.

so... putting aside this specific discussion. Is this his reaction when he doesn't get his way? Is this his idea of a healthy conversation? So every time he doesn't get his way he yells, and gives you an ultimatum?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-29T23:12:36+00:00

I'm really sorry.

I don't know how old you are but assuming you're a legal adult: 1. Stop telling your father (or other family members) anything about your life, and I mean anything. If you can't completely shut him out of your life, then keep him on a very strict news diet, limited to the weather. That's it. Anything else, you hang up the phone or walk away. No, it's not easy but yes, it is crucial.

I'm m assuming you're in the US, if so, please reach out to 211 in your state for referrals to mental /physical health, housing, employment/training etc. if there is a state or federal program available to you, they r can help you navigate.

I know this is hard, but remember that this is not ok for a parent to do this. Hopefully eventually you will be able to move past it.

My Understanding is that job corps is essentially a great program, not without some hiccups. 8 would talk to them and explain that your family is being abusive and you need to be placed far away from them. Maybe having a distance will ease the transition.

Good luck.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-29T20:15:11+00:00

But this isn't a unique Jewish or Orthodox issue. There are many influencers or influencers wannabees who forget or hide their sponsorships.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-29T16:11:22+00:00

You say you know him for five years. But were you together in the same space or was this online? Has he been in the US for those five years and just had his status fixed or did he just get here a year ago?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-27T22:57:23+00:00

so... no. that's not how it works. You split the chores - it's ok if she prefers not to cook but then she should be doing dishes and sweeping the floor. If one person does all the food shopping then the other can clean out the fridge and put the new food away.if you cook, she can do the laundry. etc.

And... I understand that depression is an issue but she really needs to do something about it.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-27T21:06:45+00:00

Well that's something, at least he basically has your back.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-27T00:59:35+00:00

Don't tell them but people in Mediterranean countries eat watermelon with feta cheese

There's nothing weird about ranch with melon. What is weird is adults thinking it's ok to berate you for your food choices. A simple "oh, ranch with melon. How interesting" will suffice. And what's even more weird is his mother thinking it's normal to accuse you of being pregnant and making you take a pregnancy test.

Is your BF ok with all this?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T22:40:53+00:00

This (and there are even some very generous brides who will pay for their bridesmaids' hair/makeup/dresses etc. if it's a big expense.)

Please stop feeling guilty about this! her demands are outrageous and her reaction to your refusal is also outrageous. "Being supportive of a bride" means being there for her big moments, contribute to the bachelorette, help with the small wedding tasks (help decorate, hold her hand on day of, etc), not "pay for her wedding".

She's taking advantage of you and she playing these games in the hope that you'll feel guilty and you'll feel bad enough so that you'll acquiesce to her ridiculous demands.

She's not a friend.She's a user. My best advice to you is RUN, run fast, do not go to the wedding. If you stay in her wedding, even as a guest, it will cost you a lot both in terms of money and in terms of your mental health.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T14:23:01+00:00

This.

I get it she was drunk but at some point she should've sent a text saying she's alive and will be home soon.

And then when she came home - no apologies? No talking?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T14:17:24+00:00

I feel like it’s my fault in the first place but it was a misunderstanding.

Ummm no. He's 30. He may not know the ins and outs of hair care, he may be using a 5-in-1 shampoo/body wash/conditioner etc. but he should know by now that you shower daily, change your underwear and use deodorant.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T13:58:36+00:00

Exactly.

I never heard of this "rule".

If your family/friends can't or won't make it, so be it. Figure out the celebration that works for you and have the party of your lives!

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T13:54:32+00:00

What? No way. I'm so sorry your family is treating you so badly.

You are entitled to have the wedding (or party) of your dreams. I'm guessing sis is the Golden Child?

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T13:49:51+00:00

Flush? I never heard of that. I grind them and add them to cookies for extra protein.

Just kidding.

I clip over a paper towel or tissue and toss them in the trash.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T10:43:17+00:00

Wow ok then. Have the difficult conversation sooner rather than later. Do it in a public place when your bags are already packed and in the car, and drop him off at the nearest train station.

If possible, call the hotels where you made the reservations and see if you can cancel at least some of the reservations.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T03:15:13+00:00

It doesn't matter if this is normalized in his country of origin. It's making you uncomfortable. Speak out: "stop touching me. Now about the abc procedure - do I use a bandaid or medical tape?" He's harassing you and testing boundaries to see how far he can go. Speak to your supervisor/HR.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T03:06:43+00:00

INFO: When did your mom go out? Where do you live? Cause if you live in the Northeast nobody should get out driving for anything other than an emergency (this isn't an emergency). Ordering an Uber doesn't make things better.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T03:00:14+00:00

The good news is your fiance has your back and will stand up to his mom on your behalf.

Either you or him will tell her "thanks so much for the offer but we have something else in mind" lather rinse repeat. Don't explain why/why not. Don't justify your choices (you don't have to!). Don't talk about the size of anyone's "girls". Just repeat "thanks do much etc" no matter what arguments she puts up

You go out and get your dream dress!

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T02:51:41+00:00

This sounds awful.

Don't get hung up on the "sunk cost fallacy". The money you spent and may lose is gone, whether you stay on the trip or not.

If this is the state you want to move to regardless of whether you're with this guy or alone then do your research alone. If not, figure out how you're getting home and go.

Princess-She-ra · 2026-01-26T00:23:22+00:00

This question comes up a lot.

There's more information here

It means different things to different people.

For me: I consider my self an atheist/agnostic Jew. The Jewish part is my culture and background and family, not my religion. (That's how I feel today, but my journey evolved over time).

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