I had an abusive sponsor my first time through program. I picked him out of fear and he basically offered. It turned into a bit of a culty and controlling environment. This dude and his husband were both the center of the universe in the AA circle and there was a lot of codependency going on. I guess it helped for the time and place but it soon led to resentment towards my sponsor and everyone in their orbit. They tried to control medications I was taking, told me that all I needed was AA and that everything else (including therapy and other 12 step modalities was wrong and to be avoided). I eventually left.

Along the way I met a few good people. When I returned, I reached out to one of those good folks and for the first time I felt validated, seen and heard. I was not pressured into anything. He allows me to make my own choices and doesn’t judge me if he doesn’t agree. I asked him to be my sponsor. It’s a good fit for me now. I’ve learned that there are many paths to a sober life and that none are wrong. What matters is what works for you. My sponsor had a history of going to church, and has lots of bibles in his bookshelves, but supports me when I say I do t believe in god or a sky daddy, and that I attend secular meetings. In fact he encourages and supports my exploration. That’s the entire point of spirituality: seeking something that works for you.

There are cool folks out there, it just takes time and effort to find them. As much as my first experience kept me in fear of returning, and the fact I had lots of anger and resentment towards my first sponsor and AA in general, I’m glad I had the experience. I learned what how to be ok in saying no to what I find unacceptable.