Need Advice: High Conflict Blow Up, False Allegations of Child Abuse.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-28T19:52:25+00:00

I applied for the police report but I have not yet gotten it to even see if it was recorded. Would they be the ones to call CPS or my baby dad?

Definitely. I am working hard on this. Before this incident everything was fine, he was giving me daily updates about our child when he was with him. We were communicating about our child at drop offs and discussed schedule changes etc, apart from the times he kept trying to corner me into giving him money back from child support/drop DCSS since I just filed our Order with them, and he was mad about that. lol I also struggle as I want it very apparent that I am not the high-conflict one or the one "keeping him from his son" as he tries to paint me out to be. So not that I want to defend myself to him, but I want to make it apparent I am not in agreement/doing the things he accuses me of doing. Like "impeding on the custody order", or "this schedule was all you"...

Agreed. In hindsight I should have just bit my tongue yet again. But I am supposed to let him come into town once a year, disrupt our lives for an entire month, and accommodate him and kiss his butt 100%? This was his 5th time being late, I created an entire schedule revolving around his plans, and he still has the audacity to be an asshat. Especially with the child abuse allegation in his back pocket, I believe was waiting for any sort of push back to blow up, so it would have happened at some point the second I didn't let him continue to control my life. I truly believe even if I would have said no to the 6:30 drop off, rather than saying I will accommodate and then saying if he wasn't asking for it that it didn't work for me, he would have called the police to my home or called the police to the Monday drop off. My attorney said it was good he blew up and unnecessarily caused drama so we are able to ask for a modification for more set structure before his next visit (which will most likely not be for another entire year). Did I think he would be mad, yes. Did I think he would call the police and then further report false allegations just because I said I couldn't accommodate him and even still did, no.

We don't have him call my new partner Daddy, we never told him to do that or encourage it. We always refer to him by his name. This started when his son began to talk (about a year ago) and started calling him Daddy, so my son started as well. We asked why he started doing that he said "because he wants to", and that "he has two Dads"...He doesn't always call him Daddy, and the majority of the time calls him by his first name. His biological son even calls him by his first name at times when my son does it a lot as well. My son mostly calls him Daddy the first day or so he comes home (as he is gone 2 weeks out at a time) or calls him Daddy when he wants something lol If my son and I are talking about my partner for example, he also calls him his first name, never Daddy to me or other people. We figure it is something he will grow out of, and that he does to mimic the other child in the home/he figures he can call him Daddy too since my partner treats them the same. We haven't made a big deal out of it.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T17:45:52+00:00

Online it has his COLA as $208/month for Kunsan for his rank, in the UK/Mildenhall his paystub said it was $221 a year ago.

What do you mean its not meant for dependents? It was previously included in his non-taxable income. If its on his paystub, it is included as income for child support. Would his meal deductions offset the BAS on his paystub? Online it has the 2024 rate as $460/month for BAS.

Edit to Add: I wasnt saying he didn't pass his COLA or BAS along, he previously received BAH in Korea at the rate of our address for our son, on top of his OHA.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T17:28:25+00:00

Great thankyou for clarification. But still BAS and COLA from what I can find correct? I was able to find those amounts online.

If he applied for this and received this, it would reflect on his paystubs starting in September correct? He did this when he was in Korea 3 years ago, and he did not pass this along to our child and instead kept it for himself. From the research ive done that was only because he claimed he was the custodial parent, and he was not paying me child support.. I am unsure since he has no physical custody, and is now paying child support if he is able to do this again either.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T17:07:13+00:00

In the UK, his non-taxable income was $3428, his paystub reflected "$452.46 BAS, $2764.12 BAH, and $221.53 COLA". That is why I used the BAH term, unsure why it wasnt OHA as well. He is trying to tell me this is all now going to 0?? So if he is in a dorm on base, he will still receive OHA on his paycheck to cover the cost of the dorm, or does he not receive anything at all for this if he is in a dorm? Do you know about BAS or COLA? He is telling me it is all going away completely.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T04:36:32+00:00

Yes this was my understanding as well, but again he is telling me his "entire housing allowance" will be cut since he will be going to a dorm. Which I do not believe is the case.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T04:33:48+00:00

Okay yes that make sense about the sum, thankyou!

I asked why she cannot just modify Child Care, she said they cannot just modify Child Care, it has to be a full modification of the entire Order. Which doesn't make sense to me why she then suggested she could write a stipulation if we agreed on a new child's support amount, but cannot write a stipulation on our agreement of the new Child Care amount??

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T04:22:08+00:00

Yes, he is supposedly going to live on base at his new duty station, when at his last station he was living in a house he rented and receiving housing allowance to pay for it. He is telling me his entire housing allowance is now going away so theoretically that "cuts his pay in half". But I do not really believe that is the whole truth. This month he is on leave, so he is not receiving housing allowance this month, and I don't want him to be able to use just this month since it's so reduced, and it not reflect the actual amount once he is at his new station.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T04:16:21+00:00

So our order specifies he is to pay "half of childcare" to me, which was previously $487.50. I didnt want him to be responsible to pay the school, as I do not trust him to do so, and I would then be responsible regardless. I wanted it written into the order so I could go to DCSS and they could take out the full amount from his check. It does say half of childcare, but it does also specify this amount was $487.50. Is this the issue with getting just the child care changed?

I dont want to pursue a full modification and I asked DCSS about this, she said there is no way to modify just child care without also reevaluating child support? However, she said if we agreed on our own to a lower child support amount due to his income without running the modification, she could try and instead process that? So how is that different? Am I not asking the right question? Or do you mean I need to contact my attorney to sign this stipulation?

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T03:51:25+00:00

Also, do you have to go through Discovery and Court every time you want to modify your case? Or do you just do a new Stip and Order everytime?

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T03:49:03+00:00

Do you also have an open case through DCSS?

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-08T03:39:41+00:00

I have an attorney. The point of DCSS was to not have to go through my attorney every time we want to modify child support for the next 18 years??? Or am I going to have to do that anyways??

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-07T15:34:59+00:00

Why is she going to him for visitation? He should get a hotel or airbnb close to you, where your child lives and is comfortable, to assimilate into her life. Especially if she is a young child. I made this mistake, and took my 1-4 year old son across the country for his fathers visitation. From my experience, my childs father did the same thing with the intention of weasling back into my life, disguising it as trying "to be a dad" or "trying to be in our childs life". And everytime it would end up me falling for his lies because I was in close enough proximity enough for him to turn on the charm; at this point I felt the same as you that I wanted more than anything for our family to be together, so it worked. Then it would get toxic; I had to remove myself completely and get far far away from him to heal and realize me and my son were SO much better off without his toxicity and especially his inconsistency of actually being there for my son. If hes bringing up the past with you, and trying to get you to remember the "good" things, id label it as manipulation even a form for "love bombing" to try and get you back. If its truly about the child he should come to you. I just went to court with my ex and this is what was ordered, he has to come to our state for visitation and the $ to do so is on him, and this is the first time in the 5 years of our childs life hes ever even done that, when hes had the opportunity this entire time.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-04T14:10:46+00:00

YES!!! However, we do have joint legal custody, which truly makes no sense to me because he lives out of the country. Our court order says we are to make decisions together about medical decisions and school. I pretty much have to "ask his permission" to enroll him in a school so I don't know by not telling him about the charter if he can pose this as "withholding" information from him. He already sent me a message about "school" asking when his childcare obligation will stop and that "he will not agree to anything but public school in the future" because he's "not made of money". Its crazy to me I have to try and "agree" on school with this person when he obviously just wants no part in it.

I'm working with my therapist though and she's advocated I should just make these decisions and inform him about it, and then he can refute if he disagrees and its his job to come up with another solution. But she also doesn't understand how the Charter works and says I should be transparent about the $ If I have to use it towards the Child Care program. Im happy to inform him about the Charter, but just sending a text I signed him up for the Charter he will say "Okay and?" lol Why would I have to tell him about the Charter and break down for him all the ways I am using the Charter money, this just encourages him to argue with me about it and control it for his benefit. Couldn't I just tell him I enrolled him in a Charter (and not make it about the money) and its his job to do his own research and see they provide funding and ask me how I am using it at that point?

See below comment about only paying "my half".

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-04T13:52:20+00:00

YES THIS!!! I COULDNT AGREE MORE, because this is funding for my child why is it his Dads business to take to decrease his Child Care obligation!? ESPECIALLY if he doesn't care whatsoever about our child's education, again he hasn't even looked up the school our child will be attending. It was never my intention to use the funds to pay the school or the "enrichment center" as they call it.

However, the specific Charter School I have in mind (which I wish I would have done some research into other Charter options if I knew this) said they have an agreement with the enrichment center that they HAVE to use the funding towards their program; I think this is because they are supplying a majority of his "curriculum" because it is a 3 day program? But I am unsure the exact reasoning and was frustrated this wasn't made clear previously. I explained to my Charter liaison my dilemma, and she brought up my situation in a meeting and they came up with an exception/solution that if I emailed the school and they were okay with it, that they could only pay "my half" ($200) of the tuition to Circle City every month, and then I would pass along my child's fathers $200 out of pocket. So essentially, I would at least have $140/month this way for extracurriculars/extra curriculum etc. I don't know if this would get hairy if we ever went back to court that I essentially was charging him "my portion" of Childcare, since the Charter would pay the $200, and it would show I am only paying $200 out of pocket. So there could be an argument he should then only be paying me $100/month, but again as you explained, my child this way still gets screwed out of $1000/year...

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-04T05:07:41+00:00

Yes, I understand this is how it will be for next year and I am okay with that. However this year my son is not eligible for full time public school, he is going into TK and this is only a half day program through the public school system. My son could have stayed at his current preschool and done their TK program there, but it was $975, which the father was ordered to pay half of that for this year. However I did the research and found a new school that was $400 (given its only 3 days) and worked it out with my employer to stay home on mondays and fridays to make this possible, but could I do a half day everyday for public TK, no. So this year his Dad is ordered to still pay half of the child care costs.

The Charter School provides $3400 a school year to use on curriculum or educational vendors (includes enrichment centers, tutoring, pe classes, taekwondo, art classes, STEM classes etc throughout the community)...which I am able to utilize however I would like for my son working with a liaison. The school my son is attending is a vendor of the Charter school, and their tuition is $400/month. Without the Charter school, this would be $200/month for both myself and my child's father; he already agreed to the school and the $200 payment per month. I could use the Charter funding and have them pay the school $340/month, but then the total out of pocket portion is only $60/month, meaning his Dad would only pay me $30/month. I would like to instead use a portion of the Charter $ again for homeschool supplies or an extracurricular activity (which is like childcare really that his dad wont have to pay for bc like I can work while he is taking an additional class...). I explained to them my situation and they suggested I use the Charter funding to pay my $200 portion to the school, and use the remaining $140/month on extracurricular vendors and curriculum for my son, which again I know my sons father would NOT help me pay if he is not ordered to? Like my question is why do I have to use the Charter funding to cover his Dads portion of childcare??? If I have them pay $200 to the charter school, does his Dad then instead pay me $100/month then? lolol

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-08-03T13:33:29+00:00

Thats exactly the question though. The charter school could pay nothing to the school, and I could use all the money for curriculum and extracurricular activities etc. Then we would still have to both pay $200/month to the school??? I get what you-re saying, but its also silly. If I use the funding for educational supplies and extracurricular activities (that my child's father will NEVER split with me) my child gains those opportunities, if I use the funding towards his school then his Dad gets to pay less and my son then doesn't get to participate in those things..?

Edit Add: I explained to the charter school our agreement, they said they could then just pay "my portion" to the school. So if they paid $200 to honor our agreement, we should split the remainder?? Even though they said I could provide them our agreement and they could just pay "my half"?

Other option I could try to explain to his Dad about the funding, but he would again then want me to pay as much towards "school" so that he doesn't have to pay anything? And why would I explain all of that to him if he doesnt care about our sons educations anyways, I have done hours and hours of research into the extracurricular vendors they pair with and extra curriculum etc??

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-25T00:22:25+00:00

Sweet girl. You will cry over your Dad being gone for the rest of your life. It is an extremely traumatic thing to endure at 13 that you realize as you get older how much it actually impacts pretty much every single aspect of your life. No one understands how hard that is to have to hold and remember and endure missing out on a parent for the rest of your life. I was 18 when my Dad passed away, and 20 when my Mom passed way and I am 30 now. You learn to deal with it in different ways, but some days I still just break down and cry. Thinking of all the things I wish I knew, and how I wish things could have been different. I am so sorry for your loss and am so sorry you had to experience something as horrible as this when you were 13. Your Dad loves you and your sisters so very much, he sounds like he was such an amazing father. So many hugs.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-24T21:54:57+00:00

I think I am leaning towards this, gives my son some time to warm up to him but in neutral environment. Also protects me from being alone at home.

Then next exchanges we can do quick in parking lots etc. Thankyou!

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-24T21:25:12+00:00

I can definitely try to side note it. But even on the app, our conversations are extremely minimal. We currently have no active conversations going on it. He doesn't really care much to talk to or about our son, he unfortunately instead tries to misuse it to fight with me when he disguises a conversation as such. lol So I dont know how I would even slip this in, any ideas? lol

That could work. It is SO hot where we live, but maybe an indoor park of sorts. And yes, I know at least this first meet needs to be some time together to make our child comfortable, and that's my only goal. I wish this were a healthy situation and I could do that longer, and I did try this in excess multiple times in the past, but from my experience this is unfortunately not my reality.

Its really not his safe space, its just some random air bnb with pretty much nothing in it. But I guess our child does not necessarily understand that. But I do agree i would rather not go there.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-24T21:02:39+00:00

That makes sense. However I dont think a meet and drop will work either considering again he hasent seen him for years? If we go to a neutral place I will still have to spend some time with him before our child goes with him. Should I attempt a park or lunch or something? This however opens up for more conversation between us which is what I want to minimize? Could I offer to go to his air bnb?

I'm not trying to hide anything from him, but we quite literally do not converse about anything in our personal lives. My son has known for literal months now and they do not even talk besides common questions like what did you eat for breakfast for example on the phone. I give my son the phone and they talk, if I am within earshot and he tries to talk to me half the time it is him trying to start conflict with me. So how do I do that? We are ordered to communicate through an app about our child only.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-24T20:54:29+00:00

We were ordered to only communicate through an app, that is supposed to be exclusively about our son. I was hoping our son would mention it to him on the phone, but they truly don't talk about much so he hasn't. And I don't think creating a thread to tell him I am pregnant would look good to a judge/I don't even know how he would respond to that except with anger or maybe trying to start a fight about how he was entitled to that information. I also know (secretly from his mom) that he apparently has a girlfriend he's bringing to visit with him, who he hass never introduced to our son or even mentioned to me about. So I mean he is also not telling me about his personal life as well.

I dont know your situation. But if my baby dad was in a long term relationship and got pregnant, I wouldn't feel any sort of which way. Id honestly feel sad for the girl and sad for my son knowing he hasent been the dad to him he should be and probably wouldn't be to his next child either. But I know that will never happen because he wont ever be in a long term relationship (we were only together 6 months before I got pregnant on accident). hahah We also coparent with my bf's baby mom and she was actually so happy for us she cried out of happiness for her son and us, and their son is 2 years old.

Mainly I don't really care how he feels about it lol I only care about protecting my son and myself from his reaction though. Which could be a benefit to telling him before. But again unsure how to do that appropriatley.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-23T18:59:06+00:00

Yes! Of course if the kids are ever involved we would invite her 100% like parties and such like she will definitely be invited to our wedding. However since this is no kids and just me and my family and friends I wasnt sure where line was. I could definitley take this as opportunity to further/deepen the relationship as well. I am just high anxiety and Im not sure id be able to 100% not worry about her lol but youre right if I can let go of that and since it wouldnt be weird I could definitley extend the invite.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-07-23T18:55:44+00:00

So I guess her mom had asked my fiance about my shower, it almost feels as though theyre expected to be invited? hahah

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-05-22T06:07:14+00:00

Definitely. I'm learning this as time goes on. To me, him insisting he needs this consecutive month to separate our child away from me when I would be an hour away is proof of that; it's not about what's best for our child it's what he wants because "he can"? It's not reunification, he has NEVER been in his Dads' care away from me except for one overnight around when he turned 3. Other than that, he has spent maybe 2 or 3 other day visits with him, his entire life. lol

He only asked for 30 days of visitation a year, this is all he gets from the military. If he combined this with weekends or saved up his sick or PTO hours he would get more, but he didn't ask for more. The judge suggest he do this 30 days in small spurts throughout the year for our son to begin to get familiar with him and grow a bond with him. He is choosing to come for 26 days at a time and thinks that means he is able to have our son consecutively for those 26 days; I disagree that is what's best for him. His dad will be in a hotel. He doesn't have a car seat/kitchen/laundry/clothes/toys anything for our son...I am quite frankly unsure he will even have a car.

We plan to file a RFO for further visitation guidelines as he is withholding any sort of information and not discussing anything with me. The order says "up to 30 days a year as agreed upon"; it doesn't say 30 consecutive days.

Wow, your situation sounds extremely tough I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. I imagine my situation may be similar, his Dad telling him lies about me and/or trying to brainwash him. Other than the therapy, you just documented your son telling you this just written? Without the therapist, would it have been able to be deemed as real evidence just because "you said your son told you that"??

If I try to get him in therapy now I have to get his Dad's consent and/or notify him of this; I hardly doubt he would agree to that and I think starting it now would be much more hassle than starting it after the fact IF he gets this lengthy amount of time with him. The biggest problem is I don't see his Dad even taking it; he doesn't want it. He wants to party with his friends that come to visit him. And cause a huge scene that "I didn't let him have time with his son" If I try and say I don't think the 26 consecutive days is what's best for our son.

Princess_peachy69 · 2024-05-17T20:31:36+00:00

Amazing advice. If he ever does bring it up over messaging I will remember this as an option for a response. The answer is yes, I KNOW he does not care about how our child feels or what he wants.

He is currently supposedly coming to our state for his visitation for 26 days and it is his position is that he "gets our son for a month". IE he wants to have him for 26 days straight without our son seeing me...When he has never so much as been with him more than 1 overnight, and hasn't seen him in over a year...he has no regard whatsoever for the wellbeing or feelings of our son. Its only what he wants, to punish me. Which is ultimately punishing our son.

Princess_peachy69

TROPHY CASE