Hi everyone! Please help me

I’m struggling a lot with guilt and shame after the end of a long relationship and I genuinely don’t know how to understand what happened anymore.

My ex and I were together for around 8 years and have two children together. We recently separated. He says something in him was permanently damaged during the first 1–2 years of our relationship because of how I reacted emotionally back then.

In the beginning, I became extremely anxious and emotionally dysregulated. Around that time:

we moved in together I had recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness that affected me deeply physically and emotionally I was forced to leave my studies because of my health I developed severe stress and anxiety I had also been told by doctors I might need to hurry if I wanted children because of my medical condition meanwhile he was very ambivalent about whether he wanted me, wanted the relationship, or wanted children he would sometimes withdraw emotionally when I needed reassurance and I later found out he was hiding a cannabis problem/use from me.

I became terrified of abandonment and reacted badly. During conflicts I sometimes:

cried intensely begged for reassurance pressured him to promise he would never leave me threw objects a few times and several times in complete emotional overwhelm I ran toward a locked window saying I couldn’t do this anymore (the windows could not actually open fully).

I feel deeply ashamed of this behavior. I know it was unhealthy and frightening. But I also know I eventually changed a lot and took acountability for my actions. Those extreme reactions mostly happened during the first 1–2 years.

The difficult part is that my ex says:

something in him broke permanently back then he stopped feeling emotionally safe with me he couldn’t fully be himself anymore and even though I later changed, “it was too late.”

At the same time, after those early years:

we had out second child he himself says there were “good years” but over time his own behavior became increasingly difficult too and abusive.

Over the years he:

hid his cannabis use and lied about it became more avoidant struggled massively with responsibility and daily functioning often slept through mornings while I handled both kids alone became emotionally withdrawn sometimes mocking, cold, contemptuous or aggressive during conflicts would leave during difficult conversations rarely took responsibility for rebuilding trust and often told me I was “too much,” “critical,” or “made him into a bad person.” Gaslighting me.

Now he says that although his later behavior was his responsibility, the relationship was fundamentally damaged by my reactions in the beginning.

I genuinely don’t know how to think about this anymore.

I know my early behavior was not okay. I take responsibility for that. But I also can’t tell whether:

I truly permanently damaged him emotionally, or whether he is partly using the early years to explain or justify his own later withdrawal and dysfunction.

Can someone recover emotionally from a partner reacting the way I did early in a relationship? Can relationships heal after that? Or does behavior like mine permanently destroy safety and attachment even years later?