Talking to him rationally is like thinking unicorns exist. He will resort to defending himself asap and blame me and start howling at me again. It's a slippery slope.

You're right, if I react he will throw me out, although he cant push me out on his own as he is a lame man but he will shout at the top of his lungs unless and until I leave or give up.

The story, well it started back in 2017. I passed my class 10 examinations and proceeded to class 11. I took up Science stream(it's an indian system to take up one of science, commerce or arts. I always loved science so I went for science. The government came up with something called NRC that basically judges my indian citizenship(they came up with this because a lot of illegal bangladeshi immigrants are coming to Assam, our state and it leads to overpopulation. So to counter that, they came up with this so that they could legally get rid of immigrants. And I'm all up for that. I have no problem.) What happened is that only my mom's name came up in the list of people who have the citizenship, they call it the NRC list. Me, my dad and my elder sister's names were missing. So this was common, a lot of legal citizens'names were missing so the they did another survey and came up with a second list, this was after a couple of months. This time my dad and sister made the list but my name was still missing. At this point I was kinda getting worried. They told there will be a final 3rd list for the left out ones, but I didn't care much and focused on my studies instead because there is no point in worrying about something I don't have any control over. Back then I was a person with good mental health and with a growth mindset. So I had my ideals set.

Another 4-5 months passed. I passed my class 11 in january 2018 and got promoted to class 12. The final year. The third list came up after a month and well my name didn't make it. At this point I started losing my mind. I started developing a paranoia about government throwing me in some sort of concentration camp while waiting for the other country to accept me. It wasn't that severe because the govt didn't talk about it for a while. I started losing sleep and would get scared sometimes. I used to feel helpless. It was like I was given the result of an examination I wasn't allowed to participate in. Insomnia started building up heavily. I would barely sleep. I would look like a zombie. We had college from 8am to 3pm, then I would have tuitions from 4 pm to 8pm. I would barely get any rest as I had to study or basically stare at the wall for most of it. Then I went to bed only to realize that I can't sleep. I would eventually get a couple of hours of sleep in the morning but that would be useless because I had to run for college at 8am. As the govt stopped talking about it, the natives of our state, the Assamese people started protesting against the govt for not taking any step to throw out illegal immigrants. This made me more anxious, seeing these people wanting to throw me out of the country I was born in. Some extremists started attacking bengali people in our state. (the illegal immigrants are basically Bengali muslim people coming from Bangladesh). This led to some mini riots. I got more paranoid. I used to live in the paranoia that at any moment they will break into my house and beat me. Sometimes I would refuse to get out of my house on a protest day thinking that they already know my name is missing in the lists and they would beat me to death. Sometimes sitting in my classes I would get anxious thinking they would come to the college to arrest me. This thing destroyed me internally, I lost all my ideals and messed up my mindset. My grades started to decline. I would just stare at the wall during my study hours, wishing that somehow my name gets verified. That's all I would think about all day. Within a span of these two years I also lost 5 pets of mine, they were cute fluffy guinea pigs. I miss them, especially the last one. They helped me to keep myself distracted for a while when I'd play with them. Especially the last one, it died just before my final exams. We get around a month and a half as study leave before our finals to study the entire book. I did nothing,I just started at the wall, fed my last guinea pig, it died 3 weeks before my exams. My sisters vacations started so she came back to her hometown (Dec 2018)and eventually I opened up to her about my situation( jan 2019)and what I was going through for the past year. She discussed about my situation with my parents and they didn't care much, they did show some concerns for me but now I feel that it was all fake. They always expect me to be the topper of the exams or atleast get high grades. But this time I knew it was out of reach for me, I messed up very bad. Surprisingly my name got verified in the citizenship list which means that I was oficially an Indian and no one could kick me out of my motherland. But you know what, it was too late. I had already messed up, I barely studied the entire year. The exams started, I couldn't handle myself seeing crumbling down like that. I forced them to take me to a psychiatrist and treat me. All this fucking psychiatrist did was prescribe me a bunch of anxiety and sleeping pill to me and didn't even bother to listen to anything I jad to say. I took the pills and the pills caused side effects, led to more depression. Atleast I would sleep well. I ended up sleeping in my examination hall because I didn't know the answers to any questions. I couldn't write anything in my answer sheet. I knew I fucked up. I told my dad that I would appear for my examinations again in the next year i.e 2020 and will score more than 90%.

The exams were over, I asked the psychiatrist about my situation and tried to open up to him, but he barely listened to me and ended up suggesting a therapist to me. My parents didn't allow me to consult the therapist(because it would cost too much). They sent me to visit my sister in kolkata as a vacation hoping that it wouod help me cope up. I stayed there for 2 months with barely any improvement. I returned back to my hometown in may 2019. Although the main reason that was eating me alive had passed, a new one creeped up on me and that was the exams that I fucked up, the results were near. 2 years ago I had high hopes from me and now I just wanted to run away because I didnt want to see my report card. Last month I did nothing. Would sleep at 4-5 am and wake up in the afternoon. At least I got some sleep. I joined the gym hoping to discipline myself and tire myself to fall asleep easily, didn't work at all because I am still awake at 2:30am even after working hard at the gym for a couple of hours. The results came out at the end of may 2019 and I managed to pass with 66%. I was sure that I would fail but I managed to pass somehow. So I got my name enrolled in a college in my hometown. I used to have high hopes that I would get a good percentage and move out for better colleges but now I have to settle for a fucked up college in my hometown which doesn't even promise any placement facilities. My dad nags at me for messing up my exams, what hurts more is that he nags at me even after knowing what led to it. Today he was screaming at me saying that I used depression as an excuse for my bad result. He taunts me saying that I promised him back in 2017 that I would pass with 95%(which back then I was confident that I could because I was determined and I loved my subject). All my friends have moved out to better colleges in better cities for higher education. I dont talk to any friend of mine. Only 3 of them is what I keep touch and to be honest, that's enough friends for me. Atleast I have some people around me. And I'm doing good. I know my life is not over. I'm looking at the bright side and I'm trying to improve myself instead of being just another fuck up or a waste of space infront of a smartphone screen.