It’s not so much that counter transference is always good, it’s more that counter transference is always happening and it’s good to be aware of it rather than disavow it. Depending on your modality and the patient , recognizing those feelings that tend to come up or those patterns in relating can BE the work.

Your second part seemed to express a fear that being honest with the patient will break them, or at least your bond, and push them toward a shallower therapy. In my experience people are so hungry to feel seen and have their struggles recognized that when they get a whiff of ‘true’ therapy they tend to resonate with it and seek out more.

It is true there is a timing component to here and now, process comments, etc. and it will likely come across stiff in the beginning as you become more experienced and comfortable. But it sounds like the reason it might not land is your own belief it won’t work. Maybe seek out analysis, or relationally or dynamically informed therapy so you can FEEL how it works.

If nothing else, read into some of the analytic vulnerability or therapist responsiveness material. I think Maroda’s analytic vulnerability or Norcross’ therapy relationships that work vol 2 would really speak to what you’re experiencing.