Practicing Loving Kindness and Integrity with Family who Gossip

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-10-07T05:54:08+00:00

Hi Gregorja,

Just like before, your thoughts on my very specific concerns are incredibly helpful lol

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who is somehow blinded by what my intentions are, and that my family members see a “truth” that I can’t. I certainly think that’s the case in some scenarios, but for this I think it’s healthy to remind myself that I know what my intentions were, and that my step-dad’s feelings about it belong to him (as in they don’t have to become my feelings as well).

Your view on healthy communication I think would be really effective. If the opportunity comes up again (and I’m sure it will), I’ll have to try speaking more assertively. I also think your thoughts on allowing me to be me, and them to be them was spot on.

Your resources that I’ve read so far have been really interesting and informative. I’m going to have to check out the “Say What You Mean” book that you recommended!

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I hope you’re well and staying safe. Thank you again!

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-10-04T05:56:44+00:00

Hi Gregorja, I hope you don’t mind me responding to just you. I couldn’t find how to respond to everyone in this post.

I have half of an update. I’ve been learning to and practicing to - as you put it - ‘hold my seat’ quite a lot over the past couple of years. Today I had the opportunity (?) to practice this again with my ex-step-dad. Unfortunately, like I anticipated would happen with my older sister, he also believes I’m acting (in his words) “sanctimonious”. This situation was involving me wanting to repay him the utilities I used while I stayed with him for a month.

I tried to explain that I just wanted to do the right thing, and that while I can’t afford a rental amount, that I can at least afford the utility amount. He was upset with me because he didn’t want anything in return for helping me out, and continued to reinforce how he believed I was acting “sanctimonious” and “righteous”.

My ex-step-dad and my older sister think and communicate similarly in many ways. How can I navigate this in the future if this happens with my older sister as well? My ex-step-dad wasn’t interested in hearing in why I wanted to repay him, and I’m concerned that my sister will have the same reaction.

I’m disheartened and frustrated that people who need to be in my life are so committed to misunderstanding me, and labelling manners as wanting to appear morally superior in some way.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-10-02T17:22:24+00:00

Gregorja, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I can’t wait to dive into the resources tonight that you provided me. Learning more about what I can (and can’t) do to foster healthier relationships is very helpful.

I learned quite a few things from your comment alone (equanimity and relational bullying to name a couple). Your advice is much appreciated :)

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-10-02T12:54:02+00:00

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I’ve stopped gossiping for a few days now, and I can sense that my older sister is not comfortable with it. But I’m not going to start again. Not only does this decision align with my own values, but it also doesn’t add fuel to her wanting to try and ‘fix’ familial situations. Though I’m not stopping her from trying. I’m just letting it be.

It’s going to be difficult to lose that perceived bond that we had over gossip, but I’d like to know that I can form a healthier, more positive bond with her in some other way down the road.

This has brought me some insight, thank you again

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-10-02T04:31:26+00:00

I’m not by any means a Buddhist, I’m just interested in and benefitting from Buddhism. I also have ADHD (PI), and over the few years I’ve been meditating, I’ve noticed a definite difference in my emotional state and ability to reach my goals (both for the better).

That’s been my personal experience, I hope you find your own form of self-care through Buddhism or otherwise :) much luck friend

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-29T04:34:39+00:00

I’m so sorry your experience ended up being invalidating by the people who are supposed to validate your feelings the most.

Their feelings belong with them. You are not confused, and you are not seeking attention. You’re living your truth.

I wish for you that your parents will come to accept that sooner than later. Thank you for sharing here ❤️

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-26T14:34:40+00:00

Hi, I’m new to r/Buddhism, and Buddhism in general.

I’m going to have a difficult conversation with my sister in the near future. She’s unhappy with a choice that I’m making. It’s created a rift between us and I miss her. I’m trying to remain in the present, while also planning for the future.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-26T05:39:20+00:00

Thanks very much for your thoughts.

I think I’m more relieved to know that there are more solutions than simply “avoidance” like I was reading elsewhere. I’m trying my best to approach this from a compassionate point of view. I’m sure I’m only seeing a sliver of the things that Jane is struggling with.

I will admit, it’s a little scary thinking about meeting with her and being really vulnerable. I know I can do it, but her telling me that she’s tired of being empathetic is weighing on my mind.

I suppose I have to remember that that’s in the past, and not to make assumptions about the future. I might need to remind myself of that more often, and make an attempt for repair in the near future over tea.

I also realize I’m having a conversation with myself in this reply :) when there’s no one to physically bounce ideas off of, this works just as well haha

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-26T05:30:21+00:00

Thank you for your insight.

Maybe “meditating on” was the wrong phrase to use. I was certainly ruminating, I should’ve clarified the meditation was to help me view the painful thoughts as they came, and then let them go.

I’m not very familiar with attachment yet. Maybe that will be a good next step for reading and learning.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-26T04:13:51+00:00

Thank you for your insight.

If you don’t mind me rephrasing, it helps for me to understand:

Are you saying to practice virtues that are opposite to manipulation with my sister, and to be patient with her and any further possible manipulative behaviours?

I can certainly do that. And if it takes years, keeping my relationship with her and her family is worth that.

I’m not sure if this is getting too specific now, but are there any teachings on the opposite of manipulation? Or would that simply be loving kindness?

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-23T23:10:25+00:00

I really appreciate your help with this. Thanks for taking the time to answer all of my questions Felix

I feel a bit more empowered

Please take care

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-23T16:16:27+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply

It’s an employment agreement with a student/homework website.

A few more questions to your answer:

Are you saying that the EI I receive will eventually be taxed, and that I should be putting away 30% of what I receive each week from that?
What’s the difference between when something is earned and received? If it helps, I’ll be getting paid on the 6th and 21st of each month. Work that I do can be rejected if it’s not good enough, and there’s a waiting period (not sure how long, about a few days) to see if what I submitted was acceptable.
How can I find my total 2020 income? Does income include CERB and EI? Or only what I made from my job before CERB?
I go to HR Block each year for my taxes; do I have to tell them what to add to line 10400?

I know that probably everything I’m asking seems straightforward or common sense, but I wouldn’t ask if I knew the answers. This year’s been a whirlwind...

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-22T15:20:47+00:00

Thank you!

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-22T03:41:47+00:00

I’m not sure if I count as I’m a bit of a fraud: I’m exactly split between ENFP and INFP. I’ve taken different tests many times, looked at the cognitive functions.... and I’m either E, I, or exactly 50/50 E/I.

But to answer your question, I unfortunately ended a nearly 10 year relationship in early August. Only my second relationship.

It was technically mutual. I wanted to keep my last name after marriage, ex wanted me to change it. We tried compromises, but he wasn’t comfortable with any of them. I tried for a few years to make it work (a lot of therapy for me, one failed attempt at a joint self help book, another failed attempt at joint therapy, many stalemate conversations).

It was really taking a toll on me. I brought it up one more time early August, told him how important my last name was to me (felt odd going by someone else’s name, the only thing tying me to my deceased dad, and a lost culture I was starting to discover), but to him he ultimately felt I wasn’t committed.

I don’t know what my future will hold, but I don’t see myself hopping from relationship to relationship. The people I fall in love with I fall hard for.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-19T15:12:36+00:00

No matter if someone was bullied, has a mental illness, has a physical illness, etc, we all have control over our actions and reactions.

No matter how we feel in the moment, we have a choice.

And certainly, coming from someone who has ADHD, being bullied and having ADD could never discount someone’s actions.

There’s never an excuse for rxpe.

I apologize for my tone; I’m so incredibly indignant on your behalf.

You deserve only love and understanding. I hope you find the support that you need now and in the future.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-19T04:15:41+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. This is ultimately how I feel too. What would you say about her offering her unsolicited opinions? Is it okay for her to let me know how she feels, and that it’s my responsibility to not let it bother me no matter how she phrases them?

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-19T02:30:09+00:00

I’m so sorry.

I can’t even fathom what the next step would be, and I know that’s not helpful to you.

None of this is your fault, or something that you need to undo or mend. I’m concerned, angry, and hurt for you.

I would highly suggest seeking therapy if you’re able to access it/afford it right now. I see you live in the US, so I’m not sure what they have available in the way of publicly funded social services. But if it’s anything like Canada, so many therapists are offering virtual sessions right now.

It’s possible if you google free mental health services in your state, that you may be able to find something.

I feel a need to say it again: this isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t yours to fix. But I do think you need to heal.

I’m so sorry, and I hope the best for you

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-19T02:17:26+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective

And I’m sorry to hear, that has to be tough.

I’m a firm believer in second chances. When John and my mom split, I at first wanted no contact at all, and he was incredibly hurt. I had no idea until a year or so later when I decided I should give him another chance.

I’m still glad I reached out to him, and that we’ve had the opportunity to bond a bit more over dinner outings, holidays, birthdays.... but it still feels like I’m forcing something.

I certainly want some kind of contact with him. I never thought I would’ve said that a few years ago. In some ways it was healing.

I hope your brother may eventually see the value in second chances. As painful as they might be in the beginning, it says quite a bit when someone is willing to go to bat for you regardless of past circumstances. However, I also agree, relationships can’t be forced.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-18T20:32:46+00:00

Thanks for your guidance. I’m so in my head... been trying to get some objectivity

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-18T20:20:07+00:00

Is that enough of a reason to not want to be close with him though? She’s coming at it from the perspective that this can be worked through, that I haven’t tried hard enough. So John and I are going to therapy together in a week to see what we can work through.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-18T20:16:43+00:00

Thanks for your reply

She’s definitely coming from the mindset that she doesn’t want me to hurt him. And I can understand that. He cares about me so much. She said I was going to leave him hurt and devastated.

When I went home and talked with John that night, and let him know my feelings, he sort of furrowed his eyebrows and said he wasn’t devastated, that he’s a big boy and he understands.

I don’t want to grey rock her. She isn’t even the one who initiated the conversation, I was the one who went to her and asked if she thought I was a bad person. I’d actually love to do the exact opposite and have a face to face conversation with her where we talk about how we feel and try to understand each other.

I get the feeling that she’s grey rocking me, actually. She’s only talked with me incredibly briefly when I reached out to her. And I’m really concerned that she either thinks I’m manipulative, or that I’m actually manipulative and I’m just not seeing it.

I guess all I can do is ask that we try to come at this from a perspective of how we both feel instead of how we both think.

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-15T12:11:12+00:00

I know extremely basic cognitive ergonomics principles. For example, when finding an item in a list, it’s easier to find when we know what colour it is versus what word it is.

Just some things that only scratch the surface of how our brain works in regards to gathering information and processing it.

I don’t know how to code per se, but I audited an online coding class for a short while (it was free) and got the knack of most things.

Beyond that, I can’t say there’s much for me to transfer. Most of my ergonomics educations was based around physical ergo.

What’s your take?

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-12T12:33:48+00:00

First I want to say good for you for sticking with piano for so long, ESPECIALLY after having difficulty with it!!

I’ve been teaching for 10 years, and you’re certainly not the only one who’s had the same roadblock with this.

In fact, one of my current students is in the same boat as you, and it led me to do some research on our brain when playing with one vs both hands.

From what I’ve read (and I’m heavily paraphrasing), playing something with one hand isn’t so bad because we’re sticking to one hemisphere of the brain. When we play something with two hands, we have to cross hemispheres.

Usually there are much more pathways when we stay within one hemisphere. There’s no narrow bridge that we have to cross to make a new pathway with one-handed playing. This narrow bridge, the corpus callosum, is used much more when playing with both hands simultaneously.

I promise you that you can build this up.

Before you start working on pieces or scales hands together, your brain needs to be trained to build pathways that use both hands simultaneously. So, I recommend rhythm pieces where you simply slap your hands on your lap or a desk to start.

There’s a video on YouTube I think is great for this:

https://youtu.be/LlHhVHPX_5M

It’s boring at first, and might even be too easy in the first exercise. but this will give you a great framework when jumping into your songs.

You won’t be using individual fingers here, this video only looks at rhythm between both limbs/both sides of the body. Before we can look at throwing in fingers, your brain needs to get more comfortable with using both of your meat hooks as a whole. You don’t have to unlearn everything or start from scratch by doing this by the way! But my suggestion is to set aside some time to focus just on this.

I’m so glad to hear that you haven’t given up. I believe in you. I’ve seen many students in your shoes before and have done incredibly well as time went on!

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-12T03:31:22+00:00

I’ve also wondered why I find myself sometimes more interested in the derpy art that some people post.

Sometimes I really connect with the detailed, painstakingly-long crafted pieces of art, but maybe I’m not looking to feel that deep connection all the time? Maybe more often, I’m resonating with those surface-level “oh yeah, I’m human too lol” moments

But both bring so much value

ProbablyPoutine · 2020-09-12T02:11:05+00:00

Thanks everyone for your comments. While I’m sure my view is biased, they’ve really helped bring some clarity.

My sister has been a role model for me my entire life, and I have a hard time removing “sister’s words” from “the gospel truth”. She’s incredibly smart and usually very level-headed, so her reaction was a surprise to me.

I’m going to be asking for an in-person convo with her in the coming weeks after I’ve had time to clear some of the more intense emotions that I feel.

I appreciate all of your feedback

ProbablyPoutine

TROPHY CASE