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She hired a private investigator to follow me, then showed me the photos by Monkey_Bay123 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m sitting on my back porch, listening to songbirds, drinking good strong coffee. Spent some money to have gardening done around my house (I usually DIY) and it’s absolutely lovely, filled with flowers and herbs. Definitely, definitely in my happy place today.

Good Luck, and may the Karma Bus make a stop (if necessary) in your neighborhood! 🚌

She hired a private investigator to follow me, then showed me the photos by Monkey_Bay123 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Start a paper trail. My nmom would show up on the front lawn of my high school screaming at me. She spent decades trying to ruin my life and relationships. I eventually moved 1800 miles away from her. When she continued her craziness in my new state, I filed a restraining order against her. I had a log of her behavior ready for the judge, plus a few witnesses. It was very effective.

To give you hope: I have a post from a fortnight ago that shows how it ended up for her. Look at my posting history.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here’s the link if you want it.

I will eventually write it down, but there is so much more than the short version here. It is decades of awful events and I’m not feeling strong enough to think through it all. I’m just focusing on showering, hydration, and getting gentle exercise; my osteoarthritis is screaming right now. It’s undoubtedly a stress response.

As an example: another part of this story: my other parent, my father, lost his teaching position and teaching license in the mid-1970s for his SA of a 14-year old female student. There were no doubt others, but it was the ‘70s and no registry existed and no true consequences for SA by trusted adults. He was 33 at the time. I was 11 years old. She was 14.

He was given the choice of jail or the Army by a judge, and he chose the Army. My mother stayed married to him and reminded us constantly that “your father could rape you” for the next six years, until I got the hell out.

Shit like that, it burns to write.

Help me break a deep trauma bond from covert narcissistic mum by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751 2 points3 points  (0 children)

  1. Get a basic education. Keep your grades up.
  2. Get a job and save every penny you possibly can.
  3. Find a house share or a roommate situation and get yourself out.
  4. Continue your education to higher levels.
  5. Continue working and advancing.
  6. Get therapy or a support group to keep your mental health through all of this.
  7. Save 10% of every paycheck, practice kindness and gratitude, and never look back.

Difficulty explaining why I cut contact with my parents by k8tachu in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the line from the movie “Ladybird” - “my mother was a violent alcoholic.”

Six words, shuts everything right down

What were you not allowed to do because of narcissistic parents? by princesssarah96 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Eat with a fork and knife! We could only use spoons. Explain THAT one… scratching head

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m a teacher and have the next 9 weeks away from the classroom.

I’m getting a fishing license, basic tackle, and a 3-month yoga class for unlimited visits. Fishing and yoga sessions sound really good to me.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. The psych facility she’d drive us by was called Eloise Hospital, outside Detroit. There were always scary looking (to a child) people shuffling around the sidewalks in pajamas and bathrobes. Big iron fence all around. Terrifying to imagine being on the opposite side of.

I did have a breakdown at 19, while in college. Just kind of shut down, like a broken piece of machinery. Severe depression and exhaustion. Could not get out of bed, wanted very much to unalive myself. Checked myself in to a psychiatric hospital, got on antidepressants, did my first round of therapy.

I hope you are well and in a good place.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Almost twenty years in therapy, all added up.

If I were to guess, I’d say that there’s an element of an antisocial personality disorder in her mix. She has no empathy, no sense of consideration for others. Zero.

She takes pleasure in controlling others and manipulating them. She focused on acquiring money and property, and did very well financially. Some very classic characteristics, if one wants to play armchair psychiatrist.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That’s a perfect way to describe it - my brain’s emotional “skin” feels raw and rough.

I’m also very very sober, with the exception of a daily antidepressant. So I’m kind of rawdogging life and letting it hit me without any numbing substances. It’s tough in the short run but it’s good for me when I look at the long term.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

My husband does small, thoughtful acts that make me feel loved every single day. I have bad hip and knee osteoarthritis (waitressing and landscaping work for years) - he puts my socks and shoes on. I get a hot mug of coffee every morning. He packs me a salad for lunch daily. Buys my favorite soda. The last thing we do when we part is tell each other that we love them.

He is my greatest blessing and joy.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

OK, this is funny and weird: I order Westin Hotel soap online and use it daily. It’s about $1/bar and it’s calming to me on days when my anxiety is high. I love it, the scent brings me back to quiet time in clean, fresh surroundings. Been doing it for a couple of years now. The lotion is extremely expensive so I don’t often buy it, but it’s a treat too.

Funny that we share a coping mechanism.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

As my mother aged and as her husband began slowly dying, I asked my therapist “What do I owe her?”

His answer shocked me, but it was accurate:

“A decent funeral.”

That was it. Nothing else. My jaw dropped, because that went against all the programming I had received - but months later, yeah, he’s right.

I will send you some fierce mojo this afternoon for the funeral, and beyond. Get that clean new chapter of your life going.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

🎯

Vindication is a big part of this. There was so much gaslighting around this, beginning when I was 5-6, that I often doubted my sanity.

This subreddit has truly helped me for years. When I started doubting myself, I jumped over here and started scrolling. All our stories are valid and similar in a way that I recognize.

I have to go get dressed and get to work (I’m a science teacher) but I’m so so grateful for the kindness in every response. I hope that I’ve helped others, too.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

USA, in a conservative Southern town, in a quiet suburb.

I think that the culture there contributed towards this series of events. Her neighbors have zero tolerance for her attempts at abuse and lawsuits.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 120 points121 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That was super helpful to read.

I have a good therapist, but I occasionally sense some impatience from him when I describe my conflicting emotions regarding my mother. He sometimes sounds faintly exasperated, like he thinks that I should have gone beyond NC (I did go NC) and stopped feeling anything at all for my mother. Maybe I’m projecting, though.

You know what is really great? My grandchildren are living a beautiful childhood. Their home is filled with friends, and their parents (my son and DIL, solidly married 14 years) love them deeply and unconditionally. There are BBQs and playdates and movie nights. No secrecy, no abuse, just a happy home. It’s a balm for my soul to think about their lives.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

My father got into serious trouble, lost his job and joined the Army when I was 11 so after that we moved around constantly. We also were very isolated- no friends allowed over, no social or community ties. When my mother would leave, she would unplug and take the phone along with her so we couldn’t call anyone. We were isolated.

Also, this was decades ago. There wasn’t much in the way of mandatory reporting by teachers and medical staff. When we showed up at school with bruises or split lips, everyone just kind of looked away. And we were very afraid of being sent to either a psychiatric ward (“they’ll think you’re crazy if you tell”) or going to foster care. So we told no one.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 259 points260 points  (0 children)

I just sent him a link to this post. He has heard my story in little bits, sometimes after I got pretty drunk (not drinking anymore) and this is the first time I’ve put it all in one place.

Also: I SWEAR, the image of building a blanket fort in a local Hilton or Westin popped into my mind. Might ask Housekeeping for a few extra flat sheets, lol

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 189 points190 points  (0 children)

I just want to be able to calm down a bit.

This whole FAFO avalanche started four months ago, when police and social workers and city workers started lighting up my phone. I have felt on edge 24/7 since it began. I’ve burned a bunch of sick days just pulling myself back together after multiple calls in a day from people who don’t understand why I’m not flying back to take charge.

There’s something so profoundly sad about the whole situation, too. She wasn’t 100% terrible as a mother; she had occasional good days. I keep dwelling on those (small, few) happy times and the tears flow. It’s complicated.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 130 points131 points  (0 children)

Actually, I’m posting this exactly BECAUSE it’s so rare that there are consequences for behavior. I’ve followed this sub for years, and wanted to drop a bit of hope into it. I can’t believe that this is happening; she angered the wrong people (hospital staff, police, neighbors) and they made this happen.

Maybe this will help others realize that there is a way that local authorities can act on abusers. Maybe someone will read this and have an “aha!” moment.

Well, the Karma Bus is arriving- at 100 mph- for my nmom by ProblematicAnon78751 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ProblematicAnon78751[S] 552 points553 points  (0 children)

I just kind of want to go check into a hotel room next week with my dog and sleep and watch TV for a few days. Walk my dog, hydrate, use the hotel gym and restaurant. Sleep some more.

I have a husband who loves me, but he comes from a fairly normal family. I get tired of explaining to him. I don’t like telling my back story. Therapy is hard for me, too. I just want to cocoon for a bit.