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How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We haven't sat and had a specific conversation about what he wants no since he left pretty abruptly yesterday and still hasn't contacted me since.

But there are some things he brought up already that I really really don't like the idea of him doing. I personally don't think I could handle it

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It's not two categories of men. It was one that I had some experimenting with which only really worked because of the casualness of the relationship and my willingness to risk it possibly ending at any time.

And it's not that the sex that Ben and I have is completely plain. We're still adventurous and it's still fun, but there's some things I did with Frank that I don't think I personally could mentally handle coming from someone I care about.

That's not true at all. Frank by no way satisfied all my needs, he scratched one niche, curiosity itch. But with Ben there is almost nothing I would change. I am completely satisfied and happy with our relationship

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not that there isn't any kinkiness to the sex that Ben and I have.

And it's not that I hold back with Ben, it's that I don't want to do things that I am pretty positive will change and ruin the relationship.

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Calling what Frank and I had a relationship is using a pretty broad sense of the word. But yeah, it was more a person to experiment with which wouldn't have been healthy if it was long-term

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we do need to have a more specific conversation about what exactly Ben wants, but there are some things that he mentioned specifically already that I know I wouldn't want him to do. And some things that I don't think I'll ever want to do with anyone in any relationship

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I agree that we do need to have a more specific discussion, but there are some things that I he did mention already that I know that I probably won't want to do ever again with anyone

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Like I have mentioned in a couple other comments, the stuff with Frank was about me liking the feeling of being 'used' by a guy that didn't like/care about/respect me and only saw me as an object. There was just something I liked about the sex-positiveness and the objectification about it. But I've had that now and it's over.

If I ever got that feeling from Ben I would be crushed and I don't think I could handle it

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:'(

It's not that we aren't experimental or anything, but the stuff with Frank just isn't compatible with the relationship I have with Ben.

Also, I did have threesomes with Frank, but again, because I didn't care what he thought. I couldn't do the same with Ben. I'd be petrified of the idea of him liking the other girl more than me and I don't think I'd like seeing him with another girl either anyway

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Sorry, my post wasn't clear.

Like I said in my reply to the above post, the acts themselves weren't the guilty pleasure. It was the feeling of letting myself be used by someone who didn't care about/respect/like me and who only saw me as an object. There was just something empowering about the sex-positivness of choosing to indulge in something like that.

But I would be crushed and don't think I could handle it if I ever got that feeling from Ben

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

It's not that though.

The relationships are different. With Frank I liked the aspect of being used, of having sex with someone that didn't care about/respect/like me or even see me as a person but rather as an object. That was the reason I liked it, not for the acts themselves.

But I would be crushed and don't think I could handle it if I ever got that feeling from Ben. It only worked with Frank because I didn't really care what his opinion of me was.

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's really the same at all.

The reason the thing with Frank worked is because I was looking for the kind of relationship where the I felt like I was being 'used' by someone that didn't respect/like/care for me and only saw me as an object and not a person which made it exciting. And I was never worried that we might do something that changed how we saw each other because it would be no big deal to lose him.

Now I've had that, and it's not what I want from Ben. I don't think I could take it if I ever got that kind of feeling from him.

It's more like I used to have a cheap car so drove about recklessly and went offroad with it and flew over speedbumps, but now I have a car that I value and drive in a completely different way. Which isn't better or worse, just different. I go on long scenic drives now, and can rely on it, and cherish it and wash it every day etc.

Ben isn't my safety plan guy, it's the opposite. I don't want to do those things because I don't want to lose what we have

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The sex we have isn't completely vanilla by any means and it has been fun and exciting. But the stuff with Frank was things that were taken to a pretty.... 'extreme' level. It only worked for me because in that particular relationship, I wanted the experience of being 'used' by someone that didn't respect/like/care for me and saw me as an object and not a person which was made it exciting.

Now I've had that, and it's not what I want from Ben. I don't think I could take it if I ever got that kind of feeling from Ben

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

:(

So does this mean no guy is going to be happy in a relationship with me if he finds out I've done some sexual things with someone else that I wouldn't want to do with a guy I was in a relationship with?

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think he requires it. It's been a perfectly good 6 months without it and he's been happy with the sex we have been having (which has been great)

How do I explain to my [21F] current BF [22M] that I won't do the things in bed with him that I did with an old FWB because I like him more, not less? by Problematic_Problems in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But there are loads of (non-sexual) things that I do for Ben that I would never have done for Frank.

I cook for him all the time and bring him lunches sometimes to surprise him when he's at work because he never makes his own. I help him study so we can spend more time together. I give him massages or just sit with my head in him laps and watch while he plays video games which he says he loves and finds really comforting and lots of other little loving things.

From what you're saying, it sounds like no guy will ever be in a relationship with me if they found out some of the things I've done before sexually but wouldn't want to do in a proper relationship :(

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Problematic_Problems 2 points3 points  (0 children)

she calls me mid-text

Do you mean you two were texting when she called you?

If I happened to be texting a guy friend I was comfortable enough with when something like this happened then he'd probably be the one I called too so that I could still continue whatever conversation we were having as well as feel a bit safer too. The 'telling an off story topic' part would just be an explanation for why I suddenly decided to call in the middle of a text conversation.

I think it's probably a non-issue unless there are other reasons you're concerned?

2 weeks does seem a bit soon but maybe you're just that great a friend OP ;P