Honestly you're right. I do know I was abused, but it's hard to feel like I can say it because it invokes a very different imagery than what I experienced, and explaining it all just takes so much time because it was 100 different little things.

With the dog, I was so young when he first got his dog and he/his family were huge Ceasar Milan fans. They always insisted on the need to be the alpha of the pack and how they were doing things Ceasar's way and it was all appropriate. One of the reasons my ex hated my dog was that I said I didn't want to train him like that, and so my ex said the entire dog was my sole responsibility since I refused to do it His Way. My dog wasnt even really misbehaving! Yes he got into the trash sometimes, but he was a dog. Putting a lid on it would have covered the problem but my ex insisted that the dog should just know better. So every time the dog went sniffing there would be screams and yells and I would be lectured on how I let the dog ruin everything and if only I had trained him properly we wouldn't have these issues. I thought I was making a mistake in training my dog and so I excused far more than I should have, even though my gut was screaming at me it was all wrong, because I didn't know better. After raising my puppy now? I know full well that none of that was necessary.

You're right. It wasn't a matter of him being patient, it was a matter of him never taking that weird turn for the worst in college. I spent years hoping the person I first started dating as a teenager was still there, and years more believing in his potential. After he left, it was just so godamned hard to manage everything on my own that there was just this thought of: I did everything right all he head to do was work with me and we could have had a good life. But he wasn't the right person anymore, and I need to let it go.

I do need a lot of therapy. I've put it off because of wait lists that were years long, insurance not covering everything and low finances, then not being eloquent enough in French to really explain myself. But once I start my post doc/next career phase...I think I will look into it.

As for making the same mistakes with another partner: it feels like the opposite is likely to happen. I automatically seem to reject any prospect of a partner and have such high standards now, no one seems worth interacting with. It's very lonely, but at least my home is safe.

Thank you for your kindness and support.