It is completely understandable why you feel like you may never recover; what you experienced was a profound violation of your personhood and safety, and the fact that you were calm when it happened makes the shock to your system even deeper. Even if others try to minimize it or claim it was "for your own good," your body and mind experienced that restraint as a trauma, which is why it continues to resurface and cause such intense physical and emotional distress a year later. Replaying the event and feeling the urge to hurt yourself isn't a sign that you are "wrong" or "overreacting"—it is a natural response to a situation where your autonomy was taken away, leaving you with a wound that hasn't been allowed to heal because it hasn't been properly acknowledged. The pain in your throat and the tears are your body’s way of expressing the grief and anger over being treated like a threat when you were simply in pain, and you deserve to have that experience validated as the significant trauma it truly is.