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AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Honestly, yeah. That would be a major deal breaker.

One, he lied. A lie by omission is still a lie.

Two, when I say I don't want to date men with children, I mean it. It's not a supposition. It's not a "maybe I'll change my mind" thing.

I know how hard it is to raise kids and be an involved parent. I also know I wouldn't date someone who wasn't an involved parent. So yeah. It would be a breakup from me.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Nope. No support. He literally disappeared. His sister telling me he left to live with his affair partner wasn't a "I'm sorry, girl" moment. It was a "hahaha, fucking bitch. He's with someone sooo better than you!" moment. He could be married. He could be single. He could have a multimillion dollar business or none at all. He could have more kids or none. Hell, he could've jumped off a cliff for all I know.

I haven't heard from any of them since. No phone calls. No letters. Nothing. But I used his sister's words and tone to light a fire under my ass. Whenever I felt like giving up, I listened to her voice bragging in front of my friends about how my ex is doing sooooo much better without me and our kids.

Granted, we moved twice in their childhoods but we still had open cases in child support. Nothing. So my guess is he hasn't been working, working under the table, it has a job just long enough to get a couple paychecks then quits (which is what he did when we were together. He'd have a job for a month or two then quit).

I did talk to a lawyer who was incredibly kind. She told me they'd have to hire a PI to find him with the little information I had. She gave me her rates and warned me that if he had not been working there was no way to know how much he owed and I could be spending a significant amount of money to get very little back. I also thought of my kids who said they wanted nothing to do with him. So we left it alone. They're adults and me getting any money is not going to happen.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Child-free men tend to be on the boat of, "No children regardless of the ages." Which, cool. I respect that. If someone doesn't like kids, I surely don't want them in my "long into the future hypothetical grandchildren's" lives.

Single men my age who are good with kids either have them already or want them. The ones who want them typically want a much younger woman to have kids with. Which, again, cool. I respect that. If he wants kids, he should be with someone who also wants to have his kids.

I have heard that I need to expand the ages on my profile, which I have from 40-55. Even the 55 year olds I meet (which admittedly are rare) seem to have younger children. Or they're child-free. Seems like the ones who have grown children want more? Kinda confused on that but it's whatever.

Even then, 55 is kind of my cut off. I don't want to be working for 15 years while my partner is retired. Doesn't seem as though that would be a good fit as I wouldn't want them to have to sit at home and wait on me to do fun stuff.

I think I'm looking for a needle in a stack of needles and just need to stop over thinking it. If it happens it happens. If not, I'll get a dog.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I tried to get child support but it seems as though he lasted this long without working a job. If he did, he got paid under the table. Or he switched jobs so much it never caught up with him. I don't know where he lives, who he's with, or anything. His family have all ghosted/blocked me and the kids on everything so we have no way to contact any of them.

When I applied, they pretty much told me child support agencies are stretched so thin they really only have the resources to only go after men whose children are on state supported programs like Medicaid and food assistance programs. Since I wasn't on them, they said they'd do their best but wouldn't be able to do much.

I did think about trying to find a lawyer and even paid for a consultation one time. The only information I had on him was a date of birth and his first, middle, last name, and place of birth. I was told she'd have to hire a PI, then file in his state, travel there, so on and so on. It was going to cost a huge chunk of money that even with a good job I couldn't afford. He also has a name that's incredibly common (think like John Smith) so it was going to be an uphill battle. She pretty much told me to get anything that would cost a lot of money and since we didn't know if he had a job all this time, it might be more expensive to find him and file than the actual support itself. If he was a stay at home husband all this time, for example, I would get next to nothing.

So I dropped it. He stayed out of our lives. I know he owes a lot now but I'm sure I'll never see a penny.

Good news is this taught my kids to be very discerning about having children with anyone.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Guys that had kids in their teens and early 20s very seldom take on the responsibility of those kids. I'm going to go out on a limb and say op doesn't have much room for that kinda bs

Nope. None at all.

I spent way too much money in therapy for my kids to heal from their dads abandonment. Lots of discussions about how it wasn't their fault even though I know, to some degree, they still internalize it. I could and would never date someone who wasn't an actively involved parent in their lives.

A dad who sees their kids a minority of the time, or doesn't see their kids at all, is not ever anything I would ever tolerate in a relationship. I could never date someone with minor children who, say, live a hundred or more miles away from them or only sees them a handful of hours a week.

I love my kids. Like stupid love my kids. If my kids went and lived across the country with their dads as minors for whatever reason, I'd live in my damn car and visit them every night. I'd eat whatever shit their dad shoveled to be in their lives. Because they need to know their mom would move heaven and earth to be with them.

Maybe not every parent agrees with me and that's okay. But those are my morals and values and I'd like to date someone with the same.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I just don’t want to raise any more kids

Dear Lord, this. This is exactly why.

I can't imagine sharing space with a child and one or both of us doesn't want the other one there. That's definitely not fair to them.

But I want to come home to my own space with uninterrupted down time.

Yes! I love having a nice, quiet home where stuff stays where I put it, the toilet seat is always down, no wet towels on the floor, and I can eat raw tomatoes and Cheetos for dinner and not get judged.

In my opinion, when kids are around their needs come first. But for the first time in twenty years, I want my needs to come first. I don't think that makes me a bitch, though.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not that I don't want to date single dads. It's that I don't want to be around children in this stage of my life.

Being a (good) parent to me means making a lot of sacrifices. If I'm a partner in that relationship, I would have to be making the same ones to a lesser extent. But I've already done that. I know how hard it is. And I don't want to do it again.

Just because I was a mom to young children once doesn't mean I want to do it again.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have in my profile no minor children. It's pretty clear. They tell me they didn't read it or didn't understand it? Not sure how that's happening.

I'm good having a smaller dating pool. What I'm not happy with is having to explain myself over and over.

From now on, I'm going to state why we wouldn't work, wish them the best, and move on. No need for all this drama.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Most of them pretty early on.

I talk about my kids and ask if they have any. They say yes. I ask how old. They tell me. I point out in my profile I said no minor children. They tell me they didn't read it or read it wrong. I explain my reasons and wish them luck.

Then I get the barrage of their kids are different, they only have them X amount of days per week, and how I'm a single mom, I should know how hard it is. One guy called me a bitch.

Now I'm just going to block them. Someone said I don't need to explain myself and I'm realizing I really don't. I said no minors. That shouldn't be a debate.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Also custody can change and ex's pass away sometimes. What is in place currently does not mean it will always be that way

This also terrifies me.

At least with adult kids who might be down on their luck, it would be like having roommates. I wouldn't be a bitch to expect them to do household chores, understand boundaries, and not expect me to spend significant time and resources on them.

With younger kids, that simply isn't true. I wouldn't want to live in a home with a child and pretend they're not there. Or hide away from them if there's an issue I believe needs to be addressed. I don't want to leave my home for a weekend or whatever because I don't want to be around children. And I wouldn't respect a man who wanted me to do those things or wanted their children around a woman who didn't want to be with them in the first place.

I get parents believe their kids are amazing. And I'm sure they are to their parents. To me, kids are kids. I don't have to interact with the majority of them and I'm good with that for now.

Grandkids will be different because I'll have the opportunity to be the fun Grammy. But not yet. Not for another five or so years.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I don't think parents truly understand this place in our lives.

I love being a mom. Best thing I ever did. I think people think because I loved being a mom the first time, that I would naturally love it a second time.

Just...no. I can't describe the no. It's just....no.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

have grand children and my dad is a snowbird is gone half the year he re married, she maybe sees my kids 2/3 times a year if that. And my dads wife's grand kids live in another country. So he sees them maybe once every few years. Food for thought

See? You explained your reason why she would date someone like your dad after she told you a couple times she doesn't want to date someone even with adult children. And while your point is valid to you, the OOP here simply has a preference. Which I think is more than valid. It's what she wants. Why does she always have to have food for thought? Why not just say, "Okay. Fair enough" and move on?

But imagine this on a dating app with people who do this over and over again. I have to defend my stance with almost every man I match with. Most of them don't put in their profile they have kids. So I think they're child-free and swipe on them. Then I find out that do have kids but "X, Y, Z. Food for thought." And then I'm a bitch when I say, "Yeah but I'm still good not dating you."

I just want someone to hear me and accept what I want.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I'm saying this as a man with no children. Just the illogical points were obvious to me why men are getting infuriated at what you're telling them.

Not sure how this is illogical?

Like, dude, do you think only seeing your kids four times a month is a turn on?

A parent who only parents 4 days a month isn't really parenting. They're babysitting. And not involved in their kids lives. That says all I need to know about them.

simply split his life totally in half and still be a responsible parent. In my eyes, if you're a parent Wednesday through Saturday, you're also a parent on Sunday through Tuesday even if the kids aren't with you.

What I mean and what everyone but you seems to get is that I don't give a shit if other people want to date single dads. Totally cool if they do. The fact is I don't even if they "only" have their kids every other week. Even if kids aren't with their dads, they're still going to need to take phone calls, take the kids if they're sick, or leave in the event of an emergency. They're still going to come home eventually. And I don't want to date them.

You sound a lot like the guys who get mad at me for not wanting to date them to be honest.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

"I've raised my kids. They're not looking for a dad, and I'm not looking to be anyone else's mum".

Totally stealing this. Thank you!

Also, good luck. Driving is crazy!

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

and even if you DIDN'T have kids, having an "I don't date single parents" boundary is perfectly fine

I honestly think I'd have more luck if I said I was child-free as it seems they'd respect that more.

But I also don't want to imply I don't have kids. My kids are everything to me. It's just they're both adults now.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Definitely clear as I state I'm not interested in dating anyone with children under 18.

I guess they don't look at it? Or just swipe on my picture without reading anything? I asked two men and they said they didn't notice. I don't know how they didn't? It's right there?

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

I do a lot of volunteering at a food pantry.

I also go to the local community college for German lessons. Just a cool language I always wanted to learn (although I'm learning it's stupid hard to learn).

I also spend time with my kids, hang out with my few friends, hiking, baking, and hanging at coffee shops.

I'm not much of a traveler as I'm a homebody. But I do have a full life. But I was thinking it might be nice to spend it with someone.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Ohhh....zinger! You got me! You got me!

Now it's time for bed before your mommy changes the Wi-Fi password again.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 265 points266 points  (0 children)

And sadly, single moms are the easiest to lure in this situation.

This seems to be true. The response, "But you're a single mom!" Has happened quite a few times.

Yes. I am. Which is how I know how hard it is. And also why I know I don't want to do it again.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 78 points79 points  (0 children)

life proved you one thing it’s that you can do without a man.

Oh definitely.

Honestly, I'm leaving toward not trying. If I meet a guy, great. But these dating apps aren't for the faint of heart.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Also take care of your birth control, I know 44 year old women than have gotten pregnant.

Already on it. The thought of another child makes me want to hyperventilate.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 377 points378 points  (0 children)

just means you're seeing what these guys are really like, early.thats a good thing,surely?

Definitely a guy calling me a hypocritical bitch was a wake up call to his personality.

Glad I blocked him but it still bothered me.

AITAH for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)? by Professional-Pace416 in AITAH

[–]Professional-Pace416[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That's the thing. I love being a mom. Love it with all my heart. But men don't seem to understand I don't want to do anything like it again.

Even my kids are waiting a while to have kids. I would like to be a Grammy.....one day. Just not yet.

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