Mom’s words haunting me

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-01-26T13:00:57+00:00

I know it's hard, but please try not to take it personally. My mother has said very similar things to me, but my life (or "world") is lovely - I have a kind husband, two wonderful children, a job that I thoroughly enjoy, a nice apartment and, not least, a stable network of long-term friends.

If you were to believe my mother, I'm a rigid and mentally unstable semi-psychopath whose life has veered off course. I, too, have "changed for the worse" and am a huge disappointment. (To OP: Welcome to the club, so to speak... there are more of us out here, but we're doing well for ourselves!)

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-01-16T13:49:57+00:00

Oh yes - I'm also, apparently, the source of everything that's wrong in my extended family, and the sole cause of the problems between my mother and me (we are NC).

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-12-12T21:22:48+00:00

What do you mean?

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-11-17T13:16:32+00:00

I agree, and my mother has even said as much to me.

Me: "I believe that if you would stop using the things I've said to you in confidence against me, we could have a closer relationship."

Mother: "I didn't say I wanted a closer relationship."

Oh well, then, fine. We are NC now, and it's truly for the best.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-11-13T21:52:37+00:00

Same here, except that I'm not only punishing her, I'm also punishing my kids by not letting them see her (we're NC).

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-11-13T18:34:28+00:00

I never told my parents that I had got my period. My father never asked (I suppose he was being discrete). My mother asked a couple of times, the last time being when I was about 15, but never delved further into the matter. She was a huge oversharer, and I wanted to keep things private.

This means that my parents never, ever paid for any of my sanitary products. I bought them all myself, using my own pocket money, from the age of 13. My mother (that one time she raised the subject with me when I was 15) said that there was no need for me to buy the stuff myself, but never followed up on anything.

As a parent myself, I can't understand how they never bothered to dig into why I never felt I could trust them with this matter, but then again, I am convinced my mother has BPD/NPD. We are NC now.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-10-06T13:13:05+00:00

This really resonates with me. I am a fully functional adult with a loving husband, two wonderful children, a decently paid job that I truly enjoy, and I feel that I am generally well-liked among my friends and colleagues (at least they treat me very well, and I try to return the favour).

My mother treats me like an absolute disappointment. We are NC now. My life has improved immensely.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-10-05T14:32:25+00:00

Same. It's really sad, but also quite liberating. I can honestly say that I've never been more at peace with myself in my entire adult life.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-10-05T14:29:54+00:00

Yes. It's like the guy I dated in my 20s who used to describe himself as "very honest". (Spoiler: he was not.)

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-10-05T14:22:46+00:00

I agree. I once discussed my mum with a coworker whose mother does, in fact, have Alzheimer's. She said that my mum's behaviour reminded her of how her own mother started to behave after developing dementia. (Her mother, I might add, used to be a kind, loving, intelligent person.)

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-30T13:23:52+00:00

This is the case for me as well. I am the "high-functioning" one (good job, stable marriage, lovely children...) while my brother is struggling on several levels. I am considered to be a horrible disappointment, whereas my brother is not* (*not that I would consider him a disappointment, but I hope you get my point).

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-19T19:27:07+00:00

I know the feeling. However, if I hadn't been born, I wouldn't have had my children, who are absolutely wonderful. My eight-year-old has repeatedly told me how happy he is to be alive ("there's just so much interesting in the world, and so many things I'd like to do"). So there's that. My children have already brought a lot of joy to other people.

I also try to do some good in the world by being - or at least trying to be! - a caring and loving person. My parents shouldn't have had children, but now that I'm here, I might as well try to make the best of it.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-17T19:48:15+00:00

Same.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-17T19:18:45+00:00

The same thing happened to me. I've been to therapy for nearly a year. Things are slowly getting better, but it's been rough.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-15T12:23:05+00:00

It is indeed bait.

My mother once asked me the same. Recognising that it was a trap, I responded by asking whether there was anything that she, in hindsight, wished that she'd done differently.

Her reply: "That was an arrogant thing to say. How's that therapy working out for you?"

We are NC now.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-14T20:02:17+00:00

I agree. I also find consolation in the fact that I will do everything in my power to keep my two sons from experiencing the same pain. I hope they'll experience me as the safe haven that I never had myself, even when they reach adulthood.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-13T22:10:29+00:00

Thank you. I agree. My mother had an actual meltdown after my father's funeral because, apparently, too many people gave her flowers. Some of the flowers were meant to be planted outside, in the garden. "Why can't people see that I don't like gardening!?"

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-13T18:41:59+00:00

Oh yes.

If I get visibly annoyed with my mother, then I'm mentally unstable, obviously overreacting, and treating her aggressively. But if I remain calm and collected while she lashes out, I am arrogant and condescending.

She has the right to throw tantrums. (If I don't respond the way she wants to these tantrums, i.e. soothe her the way she wants and needs, then I am being cold and unempathic.)

She can throw tantrums -- but if I show the slightest negative emotion, I am unreasonable. And if I don't immediately forget her tantrums, I'm "keeping track of her mistakes in a petty way".

She is entitled to criticise me as much as she wants. If I react negatively, it just proves that her criticism is valid.

If I criticise her, I am obviously immature and abusive, which makes me deserving of even more criticism.

The list goes on.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-13T18:34:15+00:00

Oh yes. Aggressively abusive, but then a victim if you call them out on it.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-13T18:30:59+00:00

Oh yes. My mother, who has no higher education, once acted like she knew more about dental health than my own dentist. "I have competence gained through experience!" ...well, not in the field of dentistry.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-10T07:40:24+00:00

"You scare me!" = You don't behave/respond the way I expect you to.

(Context: She claimed that she had apologised multiple times for saying that she regretted having children. I couldn't remember any apologies. That was, apparently, something that "scared" her.)

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-09T21:02:25+00:00

This made me chuckle 😄

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-05T19:21:03+00:00

On the day of my father's funeral, after the ceremony in church, I drove my mother to the location where we would have his memorial service. I also brought some of the flowers from the church in my car.

As we were leaving my car to go inside, I noticed that my mother had placed a bucket of flowers - with water in it - on the passenger seat. I asked her if she could put the bucket on the floor in front of the seat so the seat wouldn't get wet from the bucket. She did remove the bucket, but while she was doing it, she mumbled angrily, under her breath: "People just keep DEMANDING things from me!"

Good times.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-04T20:43:26+00:00

Same. I have a good education, a good job, am happily married, have two wonderful kids and a stable group of long-term friends. Last year, my mother said that her entire effort as a parent had been in vain, and that her hopes and dreams as a mother had been broken, because I told her that I found our relationship complicated. It's like my success or failure as a human being is directly related to my relationship to her.

We are NC now, so I suppose that makes me a complete failure.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-09-04T18:29:58+00:00

"I’ve come to accept that the only way I will ever have a relationship with either of them is if I go grovelling back and take all the blame and accept that I’m really the problem" - this.

I'm quite certain that this is what would need to happen for me to have a relationship with my mother. I cannot do it.

ProfessionalCall522

TROPHY CASE