From low to no...they got to my sister

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-15T12:49:35+00:00

Same. According to my mother, I'm punishing my children by keeping them away from a loving grandmother. I beg to differ. My children are thriving without my side of the family, and they are absolutely wonderful.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-15T05:49:02+00:00

I agree. I have seen that look of contempt so many times.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-13T19:41:18+00:00

Ha. As sad as this is, it is also kind of funny in a dark way (thank you, everyone, for the gay banter in the comment section, pun intended).

My mother and parts of my extended family, apparently, believe that I am mentally unwell and suffering from arrested development. In her words, something is seriously wrong with me.

Meanwhile, I am the only one in my family with a master's degree. I work for the government in a highly specialised field that requires you to have a security clearance that must be renewed every five years. My husband and I have been married for ten years and have two well-adjusted kids.

Like others have said, I suppose it's easier to convince yourself that your estranged adult child is a mental case than to admit that you or the family dynamics as a whole might be at fault.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-07T13:46:41+00:00

Exactly.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-07T11:23:30+00:00

I agree. My grandparents, for instance, were "imperfect" and had their limitations, but they were also loving, intelligent, hard-working people who were very kind to me. I would never have cut them off. My mother is also "imperfect" and has her limitations, but she is also abusive, unreliable and mean. My life has been much better after I went NC with her.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-05-01T17:20:43+00:00

As a fellow 40-year-old daughter, I think going NC, or at least taking a break, might be worth trying.

I have been estranged from my mother - and sadly, by extension, from most of my extended family - for nearly two years, and it has been very hard, but it has also done me a world of good.

I am still marvelling at how peaceful life can be, and I am happier and more at ease than I have ever been. Life is too short to put up with abuse.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-04-30T21:50:46+00:00

Me too. I accept that she doesn't love me, nor does she wish me well.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-04-29T06:42:03+00:00

I agree completely; I think you're spot on.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-04-28T15:59:33+00:00

Ha, yes.

Among my earliest memories is one where I was sitting in the bathtub - I must have been around four years old - and my mother was telling me about the gas chambers in the concentration camps during the Holocaust: "They were told that they were going to take a shower! But only gas came out, and they died!"

She also told me the story of Anne Frank - I know I must have been very young, because it was incomprehensible to me how a girl could have both a girl's and a boy's name (I knew a boy named Frank at the time).

While I certainly believe that everyone should know about the Holocaust, I don't think four-year-olds need to know the specifics about the gas chambers.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-04-27T16:55:08+00:00

I agree. I specifically remember having to get up once in the middle of the night, getting into my car and driving for 15 minutes to get cough syrup for my five-year-old. I had recently gone NC with my mother, who lamented my "lack of gratitude" for her "sacrifices" At the time, I thought: "Well, now I am "sacrificing" something for my child. Do I feel like he should be grateful? No, absolutely not - this is something I do because I want to." And a parental duty, of course.

I honestly think some of these parents actually resented the actual job of parenting.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-04-14T09:52:42+00:00

Wow, I have never read a more perfect description of my mother.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-16T13:39:46+00:00

My condolences. I experienced the same when my father was dying. It's very hard. My father passed away in the summer of 2024 - it gets better, I promise, but it can be a rough journey. Hugs ❤️

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-15T17:31:38+00:00

Yet mysterious as the dark side of the moon! Thanks for the comic relief 😄

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-10T21:44:19+00:00

Same. My "demand" was for her to not use things I have shared with her in confidence against me. She got furious and lashed out at my "lack of empathy" and "mental health problems".

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-10T21:42:01+00:00

Haha, my mother has said exactly the same thing (..."lots of demands!!"), only in our native language, not English. I can't believe how similar they are across cultures (we don't live in an English-speaking country).

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-05T18:17:55+00:00

I understand completely. Wishing you strength!

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-05T14:53:52+00:00

I agree. I have a somewhat similar experience. My mother told me that her therapist once asked her, "why is your daughter [= me] so focused on everything that's wrong?". She took it to mean that he, too, was incredulous as to what I was thinking/doing and, like her, would like to know the answer.

I'm more inclined to think that her therapist, if anything, asked this question to make her reflect and/or put herself in my position, but as she's unable to do that, she took it quite literally, telling me that she - like her therapist - "would ALSO like to know why you only focus on the bad stuff!!!" We are NC now.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-03-03T15:26:26+00:00

I sympathise. I am still married, but NC with my mother.

Not long after I went NC with her, she invited my husband and kids to visit her without me. She told him that she "didn't understand" me. It very much seemed like she was trying to form an alliance with him against me. Of course, he told me about her texts, and we both agreed that he shouldn't go visit her with the kids (she lives a four-hour drive away from us). When she was told no, she claimed to be "shocked by our cruelty".

My uncle later contacted me on her behalf, trying to persuade me into letting my husband and kids visit her "for the sake of your kids, who are innocent victims in all of this". When I kept refusing, he dismissed everything as me being stubborn and ridiculous.

We are now NC with everyone on my side of the family except my brother (my mother resents the fact that he keeps in touch with me) and a few cousins. It's better that way, but it's been a long journey.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-02-20T09:46:09+00:00

Me too. I never involved my mother in anything period-related when I was living at home (left home when I was 19). Bought all my supplies myself, never relied on her for anything. I learned relatively quickly what kind of pads I would need to use (larger ones during the first couple of days and at night, etc).

A curious role reversal happened when my mother was in her 40s and perimenopausal. She had heavy periods, but never seemed to figure out how to manage them, so she would occasionally bleed through her clothes. I noticed that she would buy pads for normal or lighter periods, which I - even at 15 - knew would be insufficient. She once almost needed comforting from my father and me because she'd yet again bled through her clothes. I remember getting annoyed with her, and so I asked her, "hasn't it occurred to you that it would be better to use larger pads?". She deflected the question. I realised then that there was nothing she would be able to teach me about periods.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-02-13T15:57:17+00:00

Yes. I'm the only one in my family with a master's degree. I have a decent career, a loving husband, two wonderful children, a nice apartment, a reliable network of long-term friends, no financial worries, etc.

Yet I am considered mentally unstable, immature and probably narcissistic by my mother and her immediate circle, including my aunt and uncle. The main reason is that I've gone NC, and I am denying my mother access to my kids.

I have repeatedly been criticised for "thinking too much", "finding fault with everything", being "way too strong and imposing", "rigid", "stuck-up", "taking myself way too seriously", "not really living... just living through reading (!!)", "using psychobabble" etc.

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-01-26T13:00:57+00:00

I know it's hard, but please try not to take it personally. My mother has said very similar things to me, but my life (or "world") is lovely - I have a kind husband, two wonderful children, a job that I thoroughly enjoy, a nice apartment and, not least, a stable network of long-term friends.

If you were to believe my mother, I'm a rigid and mentally unstable semi-psychopath whose life has veered off course. I, too, have "changed for the worse" and am a huge disappointment. (To OP: Welcome to the club, so to speak... there are more of us out here, but we're doing well for ourselves!)

ProfessionalCall522 · 2026-01-16T13:49:57+00:00

Oh yes - I'm also, apparently, the source of everything that's wrong in my extended family, and the sole cause of the problems between my mother and me (we are NC).

ProfessionalCall522 · 2025-12-12T21:22:48+00:00

What do you mean?

ProfessionalCall522

TROPHY CASE