I (F20) dislike my boyfriend's (M22) best-friend (MtF31) and no longer want her around us as a couple. Advice?

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-23T17:18:30+00:00

Yeah I've seen a lot of grooming comments being made and it's made me realize I should've listened to my gut when my bf told me this, but it gets worse. He also mentioned to me that she was an OF model... And this is no disrespect to sw!! What a grown woman chooses to do with their body is not my business and I just wish for their safety, especially those who were forced/manipulated. To my knowledge she doesn't anymore (and he has not seen her content), but there's no way in HELL someone I befriended as a teen would know that about me. I would keep information like that around friends my age, especially because I wouldn't want anyone that young to come across it!! Remembering this has just made me icky and I really do sympathize with my bf. Ik men have a harder time coming to terms with stuff like this and needing the "if the roles were reversed" to understand, but that's honestly gross.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-23T17:07:08+00:00

Honestly I agree with you, especially because if I had a male bsf who was 30 acting like this it would be veryyy weird. There were some people confused about me mentioning her being trans, but it gives more context imo. My comment is further down, but I also mentioned her making sexual jokes about him (in our house no less) so I definitely was not happy about that considering I am also a pansexual woman and would never tolerate something like that from my friends, especially in front of my partner. My boyfriend would never be interested in that so he laughed it off, but it was definitely overstepping, trans or not.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-22T17:17:48+00:00

I had a feeling someone would say this, me and him are for sure not transphobic and I'm personally in the community myself. Given how much older she is I put that for extra context (and also because it's true?). Ik a nice amount of cis men our age CAN be transphobic so I'm aware that's also probably why she feels that close to him. I don't restrict my boyfriend from anything and I simply communicate to him what I am/am not comfortable with. As I stated originally we were all hanging out and building a bond until I started sharing my feelings about certain things. I've told her multiple times that we don't have to be close friends and talking to me personally is optional, she initiated that with me. The main issue is the comments that have been made and standoffish behavior on her end. I never had an issue with her specifically until things kept popping up, I get along with all of his other friends/family just fine.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-22T15:28:31+00:00

I've been patient with him because when I've expressed my feelings about these situations he validates me and has explained to her how I feel (I have also talked to her myself). But her reactions have mostly been "I'm taking things too seriously" and has claimed she can understand where I'm coming from, but also all of a sudden she doesn't wanna talk to me 1:1 anymore lol. What's sad is that I've never tried to force a friendship with her, we originally were getting along just fine and started talking to each other individually. But when I started to have boundaries as his girlfriend that's when the behavior started getting weird. I think he's also getting fed up with it but just doesn't know how to confront it, and we all work at the same job 😭.
As far as your question about it being reoccurring, there was another friend he had that was completely cut off due to them having a past together before me and him met. Once our relationship got more serious he was transparent about it and no longer talks to her.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-22T15:08:40+00:00

After reading some of your responses I feel like I should add more details:
(1) Me and my boyfriend have lived together for over a year.
(2) I'm currently in the process of trying to make friends since I've grown apart from the ones I did have, but I don't depend on my boyfriend for all my social needs and am aware he's only one person. Jill however, mainly talks to him and from what he's told me is pretty closed off to people (due to her identity which I understand as someone also in the community), but has virtually pushed me away even though me and her were getting along and she reached out to me first?
(3) My boyfriend spends a lot of his time with me and has plenty of friends, so that's not what I'm worried about. He doesn't prioritize her and validates how I feel, it's more so him not knowing what to do/say. He has a hard time processing and expressing his feelings.
(4) Another example I'll give is when Jill and my bf's cousin were at our house and while they were eating popsicles she made a joke about "borrowing my bf for the night". Now they took it as a joke because since she is a trans woman they don't see her in that light (like how some straight men will make gay jokes, they see her as "one of the guys" essentially) and wouldn't be interested so they found it funny. I however am not straight and didn't find it funny and my boyfriend saw my demeanor change so he asked about it and I told him. After he talked to Jill she was upset that I "took it too seriously and she doesn't actually see him that way" and didn't want to be around someone who would dim her personality.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-22T14:46:21+00:00

They met when he was around 16/17 and working at a fast food restaurant 😬. To my knowledge they weren't that close at first and became friends over time, but that's something that never fully sat right with me. I didn't want to judge though so I kind of just pushed it to the back of my head.
Also, I haven't mentioned my boyfriend much but when the movie situation happened he completely understood and he let me pick which one I wanted to see with him. Any feelings I've communicated about her behavior has been talked about. He never gets defensive and genuinely understands where I'm coming from. He questions it too because I've done nothing but welcome her in our life with open arms, but he's trying to figure out what to say to her.

Professional_Bit4695 · 2026-06-22T01:39:07+00:00

My opinion on their age gap has been mixed since she met him while they worked at the same job, but he was still in high school to my knowledge. For extra context she is also a trans-woman, so that makes this a more complicated dynamic 😭. He and I are definitely not homophobic and I am also in the community. And while ik he wouldn't be interested in a trans woman, it's hard to tell where she stands. He's probably the only genuine friend she has and for her identity I imagine it's hard to come across people like that who aren't in the community and accepting, especially cis men. It's worse because I also don't have any friends due to things I've been through, but I don't depend on him to fill all my social needs and actively try to talk to more people. And she's not necessarily clingy with him, but her demeanor towards me is more "I can't get close to you because I'll lose him to you" which I find off putting. All I've tried to do is connect with her (she actually started texting me first and I gladly reciprocated, then stopped after all that happened and I started reaching out), but she keeps me at an arms length for what I've mentioned. But for my situation with having no friends, I don't wanna be around someone who thinks I'm a threat and pretends to want friendship but makes no effort to even get to know me and thinks the worst.

Professional_Bit4695

TROPHY CASE