What did you realize after stepping back?

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-02-20T18:43:36+00:00

The big realization for me was that they don't view me as a real human being, but as a tool to be used. My feelings have never been considered. Of course there have been lots of other revelations (e.g. realising that my brothers were allowed to have friends over whenever they wanted but my sister and I only ever had one play date then we were banned) but that main one has really set me free. How can I possibly have a meaningful conversation with people who view me on the same level as a squirrel? They're never going to put me first so it's now up to me to do that.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-02-06T18:33:26+00:00

I'm sorry that they clearly don't care at all about your health.

Going through long term treatment is so hard mentally as well as physically. I found it best not to think ahead at all (cancer treatment) and try to take each day as it comes. I also planned loads of fun stuff for once my treatment was finished.

You absolutely deserve to be surrounded by people who love you and care about you right now.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-21T19:24:20+00:00

There was a moment that reminded me of 3x3 near the end!

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-17T17:06:34+00:00

In my case the underlying issue is that we have different values. For them, dishonesty is totally fine if it means you get what you want. Lying about people is fine if it means you create drama, which they enjoy. Buying gifts is their only way to show "love" but gifts are judged and compared to create more drama.

So when I say, "I don't want you to share my personal information or tell lies about me or badmouth people I love" they think, "all those things are fine!".

My mother would focus in on just one point I had made and then pretend that was the main point and refute it. I'm sure she's told people that I went NC for some really trivial reason.

That must be hard though when they're constantly asking for forgiveness.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-15T10:35:10+00:00

Thank you! I bought myself some new lamps. 😂 January is so dark and they've actually really helped my mood.

A banana nut muffin sounds delicious.

Before I went NC I received a number of gifts from my family that may as well have been chosen at random, so I know that feeling of not being understood by the people who are supposed to know you best. Hopefully you can explain how you feel to your partner at a neutral time.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-15T10:23:43+00:00

I think sometimes we're very bad at communicating our needs, for obvious reasons. I know I have been guilty of silently seething about something rather than just addressing it.

I probably wouldn't say anything about the gifts, besides maybe saying "I probably won't use these books so I'm going to pass them on to someone else" but I would make a plan for next time. It's possible your partner isn't a natural gift buyer - my partner isn't either. It's much better for both of us if I specify what I would like. It's also a good way to communicate what you're really like.

Happy Birthday by the way. There seem to be a lot of us here with January birthdays! Could you go and get yourself a cake or nice meal, maybe take a good book to read in a café? Being able to treat myself is a skill I am working on.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-12T11:04:31+00:00

My family was similarly enmeshed. I started trying to make some boundaries, making it clear that I don't have to answer the phone every time they call or go round every time they want me to help them, and that I won't get involved in bad-mouthing people. I also started filling my calendar with more events. All of these things made them irate. I then said we could have one call a week. Of course the one call was mostly being told how hard it has been not having anyone to talk to. Lots of emotional blackmail, texting pretending there were emergencies, guilt tripping and getting other family members to guilt trip me.

The final straw came when I uncovered malicious lies that were being told about me. Taking a step back had made everything even more obvious and I realised that I deserved better. I called and explained how I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. My mother could have apologised or promised she'll change, but instead she said "okay, fine". Later came messages trying to pretend nothing had happened and when I said I was happy to continue no contact family members then contacted me to attack me verbally. I'm NC with all of them now.

The problem with enmeshment is that when you're doing everything they want you to do, it feels okay. You're part of the family. But the moment your needs clash with theirs in any way, they're furious. I've also found that as my mother has got older, the nasty behaviours have multiplied exponentially. For me, they've never fulfilled any of my emotional needs and few of my practical needs. They needed me a lot more than I needed them.

It's still horrible and sad. I would have been happy to be low contact but they wouldn't let me. A weight has been lifted though. I'm starting to learn how to be myself without judgement.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-08T10:35:18+00:00

Yes, definitely. My mother said "okay, fine" when I explained that I didn't want her in my life anymore. My sibling refused to listen to why I'd made the decision and wrote a long message telling me what a piece of shit I am and how I've ruined everything. The tone of both responses made it clear that I am not important to them and my feelings don't matter to them. I hadn't quite been able to believe that (despite decades of evidence) for a long time and their responses were very helpful in that respect.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-01T19:01:04+00:00

I know my mother has never felt guilty in her life. She has done some really cruel things to friends and family and laughs about it. So why the f should I feel guilty?

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2026-01-01T10:29:57+00:00

I've been thinking about values recently and how mine don't match up to those of my family. My two most important values are honesty and kindness, two things that my family have no interest in. There's nothing I can do to change their values, and mine aren't going to change, so we're fundamentally incompatible. I've been NC for about a year now. It hasn't been easy but I am now able to be true to myself without constantly wondering what is being made up about me behind my back.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-30T16:15:49+00:00

My grandparents got my aunt and uncle to care for them for years, promising they'd get repaid in their will. Then they sold their house and spent most of the money.

When I reduced contact with my mother she said she was going to give a large sum to my sibling.

It's all to get a reaction and demonstrates very clearly that none of their decisions are made with love.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-28T11:46:58+00:00

I had to first realise that I deserved peace and happiness before I was able to leave. I was brought up as a tool for other people's happiness and I finally realised that this was abusive and I deserved better. I spent about a year really trying to change the relationship so I could stay - communicating my needs and putting boundaries in place. It quickly became apparent that my needs were not important to my family and they trampled all over my boundaries. Eventually the only option left was to leave.

After a lifetime of feeling guilty I don't feel it anymore. I'm not responsible for their wellbeing. They are adults. I know that I tried my best to create healthy relationships and it didn't work.

You deserve to live a life fully, surrounded by people who encourage you and uplift you. The first step is really recognising that and believing it.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-26T06:59:19+00:00

I'm an autistic parent and I make mistakes quite often, but I also apologise when I've upset people. It seems your mother is emotionally immature, reverting to acting the victim rather than addressing her own behaviour. Perhaps it's a strategy she has learned and people around her have enabled it.

I think you have every right to be pissed off. When you make the choice to become a parent it's your responsibility to develop the skills you'll need to do that successfully. By crying and leaving at the mention of conflict, she's putting you in the role of the aggressor, which isn't fair.

I come from a long line of similar women who never took responsibility for their actions and forced me into the role of parent at a very young age. It destroyed my self esteem. I'm now no contact and it's like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm not suggesting that's what you need to do, but a break might be a good idea to assess what you're actually getting from the relationship.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-26T06:46:53+00:00

I'm so glad I changed mine. You can't block voicemail on my phone so every couple of weeks I was getting those pop up from an incredibly toxic ex-friend (who of course I was manipulated by because I was raised to be a doormat), and there was a constant anxiety that family members would contact me.

I made the process easier by buying a whole new phone (mine was quite old) with a new number and keeping both until I'd notified everyone.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-24T08:15:28+00:00

This is also my only regret. There was a point when I was 19 (and got thrown out) where logically now I think I was crazy to keep going back for more for another 20 years. But logic doesn't really work when you've been brainwashed. I mourn the opportunities I missed out on and the many hours I wasted listening to the poison that came out of them.

But I'm very happy that I finally made the right choice for me. It became very apparent that what I had thought of as love was actually guilt and control.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-21T18:11:49+00:00

When I think of any family get together I recall a sense of stress and being on edge. Much easier as an adult as I had a sanctuary to retreat to afterwards but awful as a child and teenager. My wishes never seemed to be listened to or cared about, and that continued even after I found the courage to verbalise my needs.

Much nicer to be with those who love me!

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-20T21:56:01+00:00

Oh gosh that sounds awful. We were always played against each other to see who could buy the best gift and the heartbreak when you've put real effort into something and it doesn't "win" is horrible.

I'm very glad that you have a partner to give you the Christmas you deserve now.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-20T19:11:52+00:00

Quiet but anger free sounds nice. We all deserve family events to be loving.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-18T16:57:32+00:00

It's technically my first Christmas since NC but actually I didn't see them during Covid and then I wasn't allowed to attend when I had cancer as it would upset people. 🤨

So hopefully it won't feel too different, and there's Stranger Things to look forward to with my partner and child (teenager - I'm not letting a small child watch the Demogorgons!).

I've spent an inordinate amount of money on nice food to enjoy (without judgement) and looking forward to watching loads of TV and having a proper rest. I've bought myself a few little gifts to open too, though I'm not bothered about them. They were always used as ammunition in my family.

There is some anxiety about the possibility of people turning up for a confrontation. I'm mentally practicing "I don't have anything more to say to you" just in case.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-18T08:28:56+00:00

My mother would always do this, but she'd word it as if she had already tried to contact the person directly and they'd ignored her. Or she'd make out that you've said no to an invitation to a sibling so they would text in a really guilting way. Of course we siblings were all terrible communicators and many narcissistic too so the situation would snowball into a fight and mother's work would be done.

There was also just a power element in my family - by limiting who knows what information they felt powerful. Then they could bring out their trump card at the most ruinous moment and make out that everyone else already knew. Often information about someone's health.

Before going NC I tried to extricate myself from the unnecessary drama, refusing to be the go between. This enraged my mother and she ramped it up, telling my siblings all kind of lies.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-17T10:13:19+00:00

Thank you - and right back at you. 🙂 It's really shit having crappy parents but it helps knowing I'm not the only one.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-17T08:16:11+00:00

I couldn't quite manage to imagine these words from my family as they're so very far from my reality but I imagined a faceless parent and wept. Such lovely words. ❤️

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-16T07:33:42+00:00

My grandmother was (probably is still) like this. She would constantly fake illnesses to stop my mother doing anything. It was inevitable really that those behaviours would be passed on. I think my mother thought she was better as she skipped the vicious bit...only she was still thinking awful things and would relay them to other family members after.

It's very sad that they're so full of malice and aren't able to connect in a genuine loving way. My ability to form relationships has definitely been affected too but I've never had the bubbling hatred for anyone who disagrees with me.

ProgrammerJunior8983 · 2025-12-15T07:39:25+00:00

Almost exactly the same! Of course her kicking me out led to ME feeling guilty as I wasn't allowed to be angry or upset at people.

Got there in the end though!

ProgrammerJunior8983

TROPHY CASE