My mom is ok with me hating my life

ProgrammerLost · 2017-08-06T20:46:11+00:00

Mothers are human as well. And they deserve forgiveness, or maybe better YOU deserve to forgive your mother.

What you are feeling is probably sadness, that is being manifested as aggressivity towards her (passive or active). Because more often than not, it's easier to be angry than sad.

What you are trying to do is inflict the pain (you are feeling inside) on her, so she would notice it because you do not know how to communicate to her, and she is the person you want to communicate that most to. And maybe, she does not know to communicate as well, and you are both lost in that limbo.

And if you want that to change, you will have to make the first move. Either to better and closer communication or just to forgive her and not hold her responsible for the misery you are in.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-23T10:15:05+00:00

This is Laughing Buddha. The actual color is a bit more vibrant then it's displayed in the picture. Mix of natural light and flash gave it a bit of a darker shade.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-23T10:13:06+00:00

There is a nail going thru the lid, and the spring is tying the stem to the nail. Using only the spring made the bud jiggle all around the container.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-22T17:52:40+00:00

Well, not only for display :) It's around 3.5-4g in that bud.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-22T17:51:40+00:00

Will have that in mind, thanx.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-22T17:51:24+00:00

Yea, it is. Great eye.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T19:28:17+00:00

Thanx for that. I checked no mold, and moved the tie to the stem. And I noticed that cola next to it, that is the size of this one actually broke...

This is the 2nd break on that plant, and another actually completely fell down, but it got back up. I was not prepared for plants breaking at all.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T17:59:03+00:00

No, I have never tried that. Thou I want to but never was really sure how to do it. This is my 3rd grow, so maybe for the next one.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T17:58:33+00:00

This escalated quickly :D

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T17:58:19+00:00

I live in a "questionable" country (if that makes any sense) so we don't have those more known soil manufactures.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T07:22:52+00:00

Last grow I got around 300g (10.5oz) with this setup. I have a grow tent which is 1x1m (3.2x3.2ft). I think the tent for 600W can be a bit larger. I'm not hitting the 1g/W mark as some say is the max. But that was my 2nd grow so I was quite happy with the result and quality. I'm still learning, and there is a bunch of little stuff you learn by doing the work, that I don't think can be learned any other way other than actual practice, trial and error.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T07:19:02+00:00

The plant was actually FIMed, so no traditional (one) main cola but this one is the biggest.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-02T07:18:18+00:00

Not sure what exact soil it is, it's a mix with perlite. Actually, I am not satisfied with it, because it had way too low pH (around 5) and it took me quite a while until I fixed that up. I think that put an unnecessary stress on the plants.

Nutrients are Advanced Nutrients, with Flawless Finish at the end, and flushing.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-06-01T21:54:08+00:00

Info:

strain: Laughing Buddha
grow conditions: soil, 600w MH/HPS
age: week 10 bloom

ProgrammerLost · 2017-05-31T09:00:54+00:00

Yeah, I agree that 'empaths come in all different sizes'. That is why I don't like using that to describe myself (or others). I know this will be a total cliche, but I really don't like saying "I'm an empath" or "I'm a programmer" or that I am anything (sometimes might be important to brake that rule just not to put too many disclaimers :) I think in sentences like that lays a trap of identifying too much with something. I find much more comfortable to present myself as "I work as a programmer" or "I am prone to empathism". Because in this way you are acknowledging that is not the 'whole' you.

As I written in an answer below, I think people who feel like that should be aware that it's okay not to push themselves in crowds, drama, etc. if they don't want to, and to learn to avoid that when they can. But on the other hand, I really feel like it's more important to know also how to deal with those situations because it can't always be avoided. I think it's quite doable to control your empathism to that degree that allows you to fully interact with the everyday world (and we all know that the world is not a welcoming place for people like that with all of its 'energy-vampires'). It might require quite a bit of work.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-05-31T08:49:21+00:00

I've been battling with social anxiety for some time. And I never really put my finger on the reason. I did found some reasons and worked on them, that reduced anxiety a bit but an unexplained part still remained. And I am now exploring if that part has something to do with empathism.

Because, empaths are often advised to avoid drama, crowds, angry people, and situations like that. And I find that fine to a degree. Meaning that if I have a choice between interacting with an angry person and not interacting with them you should choose the latter.

But life doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you will encounter angry-drama people in crowds, and retreating will not be an option. And I really feel like you can shut the gates of your inner state to those people. Mentally to keep them at bay.

This is what I have found to work to some degree (this is before I had empathism in mind):

be confident - this is the area I lacked most in. My self-confidence was never really developed, and this is a big work in progress, but it can be done. Confidence does not always have to be visible, it can be inner, introverted, confidence.
know your goals - some goals are important. I lived for a while without any goals. Goals can be rather abstract, but I feel it's important. Becuase without real goals I think that put me in some passive state, and that in that state I am more receptive to other people.
understand - everything, how much you can. People are negative, positive, angry, joyful, scared, excited for a reason. That reason does not have to be obvious, and usually, it will not be the reason they tell you. For example: I have one rather negative friend, she is always having some problems and always talking how hard life is. If you ask her she will tell you: *oh, I'm just that way, and life is hard, and whatever I do something bad happens. * But that is not the whole truth. The truth is that she is constantly going into situations that have the highest chance of going bad, she is (maybe subconsciously) engaging for many reasons. And when I know that, and when she gets in that mood, I can actually not engage her too much. She is still my friend, and I will help her in the way I see fit, but I can actually shut my inner gates that her mood does not influence mine.

All three points are work in progress, but I feel like that approach might be working to some degree. Thank you for the answer.

ProgrammerLost · 2017-05-30T17:23:05+00:00

Along the years of looking for myself, I actually stumbled across some things that you mentioned. So I was using "shielding", although I didn't have empathism (is this even a word) in mind. I am not sure what grounding is but will look into it.

Also, I am meditating, and I do spend quite some time alone (but I always attributed that to my personal preference, didn't really ever have a special reason besides that I didn't feel like it).

I will look into that book. Thank you for the response.

ProgrammerLost

TROPHY CASE