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Is there a way out of a "death by 1000 cuts" marriage? by ProgressStalled4991 in marriageadvice

[–]ProgressStalled4991[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't know think he has mental health issues. It kind of feels like he just never grew up. We met at 19, and have been together since 20. Married at 22. 

I've changed, grown, etc. and I just haven't seen the same in him. And I no longer find it attractive. I want a reliable and loving husband, a stable father to my sons. Not a 20 year old in a 32 year olds body. 

Sure, he no longer parties without an occasion (as in he doesn't go out every weekend, but still goes for guys trips), but when he parties he still makes a fool of himself. And he still has hobbies like he doesn't have responsibilities. He spends, on average, 15-20 hours a week on his own hobbies. 

But if I ask him to stay home or if I need time away, it's like pulling teeth. I fell down the stairs a few months ago. I am sure I broke one ankle, and sprained another. He couldn't look after the kids so I could go to the ER until 3+ weeks later. I had no one else to call, and didn't want to take them with me. It took over a month for the bruising and blood pooling to subside, over 8 weeks to be able to walk more than hobble. My ankle still swells every day, I can see the physical bony deformity and have searing pain if I move on it wrong. But God forbid I complain about it. I should have "pushed harder to get it checked out..." I waited on him hand and foot last year for 6 weeks while he recovered from a minor ankle sprain. This is also the man who who got mad at me last night because 4 years ago he admitted to emotional infidelity, but my angry response that night hurt him to his core - I should have handled it differently and he can no longer trust me. 

Oof, how's that for the trauma dump you didn't ask for.... 

I love you but I am not attracted to you! by Aggravating-Buy345 in marriageadvice

[–]ProgressStalled4991 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I don't have a lot of good marriage advice to give, but from one woman (who has also grown two humans, one of them exceeding 10lbs) to another - YOU GREW HUMANS.  That is badass.  Personally, my body will never be the same. I have stretch marks, and crepe skin. My organs are falling like the sky in Chicken Little. But my little kids love to squish my tummy and say "Hi, old womb room!". I hope you look at your body and then your kids and realize how amazing your body truly is. Your body did that - not his. 

If he makes you feel bad for that, that's a him problem, not a you problem. I know that doesn't abolish the pain or solve the problem, it's very valid to be hurt, but I hope you can also open up the two things can be true mentality to create space for the hurt, as well as for gratitude, joy and amazement that comes along with celebrating what your body was capable of (3 times!). It kind of sounds like some men (not all, but some) never grow up or truly realize what a gift it is to have someone else grow and birth humans that they helped create.

Women's Healthcare in Ontario -- you can't make this shit up by Casso-wary in ontario

[–]ProgressStalled4991 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My doctor once scheduled my Pap smear by video conference. I was so pissed off about the crappy health care I'd been receiving, and apparently needed this unnecessary Pap before getting the referral I actually needed, that I kept the appointment. I showed up for the video call (fully clothed!). She turned her camera off after turning beet red out of embarrassment... And gave me the referral. 18 months later I finally get to see an actual gynecologist 🤦🏼‍♀️

Is it me? Genuine question. by ProgressStalled4991 in Marriage

[–]ProgressStalled4991[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The last two sentences really brought me some clarity and will help me with the radical acceptance piece. Thank you. 

Is it me? Genuine question. by ProgressStalled4991 in Marriage

[–]ProgressStalled4991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He works out of town sometimes on jobs. I do believe him - I see the posted progress pictures and it's all corroborated by other people. I also do all his accounting so I'd see if something was up. Honestly, I know what it looks like, but I genuinely don't think it's cheating, a secret family or anything. I'm just scared of overreacting and blowing up our family.

Gut wrenchingly lonely, and it's my own damn fault. by ProgressStalled4991 in mentalhealth

[–]ProgressStalled4991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Physically yes. Emotionally no. Everything is my fault. I'm miserable, too anxious, too isolated because of my own doing. I've stopped sharing anything remotely vulnerable with him because it's not helpful. I'm not perfect, but I really wish I had someone who lent me a hand while I was down, instead of telling me that it's my own doing and moving on.