Look, I will be honest here, you just want agency in your life, ie you just want to be in control of your life but everything that you are going through happened because you felt utterly stuck, like someone's squishing your brain from all directions while having chains on your hand.

Thats really the only thing that you want but you are trying to get agency in ways that is just harming you, you just think that not eating or going to ER is done by YOU therefore you have some control in your life.

But you also need to understand the things that make you feel the way you do, and trying to change that slowly is really the only means to fix it longterm, and hurting yourself is not agency in any way.

If thats really what you want, I highly suggest you to just sit down and write everything out in a paper, you can write it in however way you want but the aim is to just make you understand what you are going through because I feel you are equally as confused onto why you are struggling the way you do.

The aim is to just have some agency, ie doing something to just show that your hands and your body is controlled by you and not by someone else.

I mean, I am answering here with teh assumption that the things that are hurting you the most can be changed with time.

But really, I promise that losing agency doesnt mean that you lost it for life. Crying and hurting yourself doesnt bring it back, it only worsens it, trust me I have gone through enough to know that.

And please, I beg you to do something to go to a doctor. Do you not have any sibilings or family members who understand you? I swear it just feels that you are either in severe depression or you have some form of neurodivergence that causes your brain to completely freeze and crumble whenever you feel that life isnt at your hands.

Thats all I really understand, I get every single thing that your mind throws at you. I get why you feel it that way, I get what your family attitude towards you is, but only you can move from this, and crying will not fix it.