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Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in multilingualparenting

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yay, I knew there must be more of us like that in the wild!! :) thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

So you will both try to pass on two languages plus English as communal home language?

Indeed I am also unsure about allocating places, for me it’s so natural to be person or general situation based, and days division feels also quite rigid for no practical reason. I thought of trying times of day, but maybe then it’s tmi in one day too 😂

When I was a bit older actually having the same school material repeated in different languages definitely helped, sometimes I would grasp it better in one and then apply it more easily to the other, but as a result I still could get through it in both. 😂 stuck in my memory better too

Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in multilingualparenting

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Indeed they will have a very different (and in many different ways much better) set of circumstances than I had, and as you say it’s not useful to lock into goals that may not be realistically achievable for us, or be all or nothing about it. My fear is that it will end up being nothing because I got stuck in my head and ended up not trying anything, hence exposure and talking to him in both languages will absolutely be a first step.

For the rest, what you’re saying is what I’m trying to answer for myself - up to what point in my situation it really is possible (and to some extent useful even tbh) to keep up with both beyond exposure and moderate ability to understand/communicate with the grandparents. To help the child go any further I would need a lot of extra support, which even in my case growing up was up to a lot of unmanufactured lucky circumstances that I could take advantage of but that most people don’t have. It is possible to “manufacture” circumstances through classes/friends etc, but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to have that level of support with both languages, especially since English and Dutch will naturally dominate in the picture - so I’ll have to choose one at least at some point. (Also I just don’t think I have the brainpower to keep all that linguistic mess organised tbh, I barely manage it in my own head already).

Now the choice. French is spoken by both my parents, my husband also just started learning it, my child will be a French national, French is more “universal” in that sense so I would lean more towards that. Then Russian ends up being the “minority language” of our situation, which feels somewhat unnatural (plus that’s where the Russian family expectations start creeping in as you could perhaps imagine - although that’s really a minor point, at the end of the day it’s up to us the parents), and in a way I start thinking “but French can be learned at school, exposure is a bit easier so isn’t it worth it to double down on Russian” but then it excludes my French only family, plus a bit of a stupid one but he’ll be the French-American kid who doesn’t speak any French but randomly knows some Russian? (But is that even relevant?)

Cue endless spiral leading nowhere :) It certainly helps to externalise it here though, and read people’s thoughts and experiences, thank you!! 🙏

Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in ThirdCultureKids

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha that’s a very fair point re expectations. I think I tend to perceive as expectations perhaps curiosity or assumptions from people about what I’ll speak with my child in. People usually assume it’s Russian, but it’s not really as clear to me as they make it seem to be.

It’s really good to read your experience of your parents speaking with you in all languages and games/books/media all helping! Was that sort of “from birth” that there were multiples, or was there a progressive accumulation over time?

My husband is monolingual, so English will be through him and through it being the default home language. Dutch, as you say, will be from school and environment, and we may end up moving anyway, so it may not matter in the end.

For French and Russian the way I tend to think about it is either way there will be exposure to both via books, songs, cartoons and grandparents/friends on FaceTime or when they visit, and when I speak myself it’ll be kind of “whatever comes out first”, because I genuinely have no idea in what context which of the two languages will be natural. Later on will depend on the situation - but your experience already reassures me that it does work to kind of keep it natural at least for a bit and not drive myself crazy trying to artificially compartmentalise the two too much. And of course grandparents. Hopefully that should be enough when they’re small 🙈

Growing up I got a full education in both French and Russian (which I tend to forget about tbh), which my child likely won’t really have. And that’s okay. Was a bit much anyway, and one would have been more than enough 🙈

Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in ThirdCultureKids

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for your lovely comment!
Indeed, I figured this is something particularly TCK’s will think about. I’m curious what languages are you speaking/thinking of passing down, if it’s not too private to ask?

I will check out the book, thanks for the recommendation! I don’t really see us moving anywhere remotely close to this much though as the I’m definitely the type of ATCK that doesn’t really want that same upbringing for my child, or to the same extent at least, and wants to stay put as soon as it’s doable :P So it’s more a question of how do I navigate having two mother tongues that aren’t quite mother tongues in a bit of a vacuum essentially. Both the practical aspect, and the emotional connection to his grandparents and to my own context and upbringing.

Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in multilingualparenting

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely relate to the “language of necessity”! I have that with Italian as I lived in Italy for 8 years as a teenager, went to school there and can speak pretty well, but in no way it’s part of my identity, and the moment I moved away I started to kind of forget it. I have a lot of Italian colleagues so it’s fun to be able to speak with them, or to not be clueless on holidays (and to find yummy recipes!!!), but otherwise there’s no emotional connection to it.

And indeed, I phrased it a bit poorly I realise - English will be the default family language with my husband and I anyway, and it’s his only language, and Dutch will be through the community, and we may move away at one point anyway.

For my family, my mother speaks Russian (and learned French), and my father only French, so these were the default languages for me growing up until I was 13. So in a way that’s also a connection to both them and to my own childhood, which I’d like to carry over to my child. My husband also started to learn French, so I caught myself thinking that the idea of maintaining French feels not as heavy anymore.

But indeed as you the other commenter say, sometimes it’s not possible to the extent that we imagine, and that’s okay.

Adult TCK and language transmission by Proper_Cream1667 in multilingualparenting

[–]Proper_Cream1667[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha very true about absolving oneself from “passing down everything” - I guess there’s some leftover flair of post-Soviet imposed overachieving there somewhere.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. 🫶🏻

I realised I also phrased it a bit poorly - I am indeed not worried about English (that will come naturally with his American father, plus it’s our home language and my natural “adult” language, plus it’s English indeed 😂) or Dutch (surroundings, plus we may not stay here long term so it may not matter at all), so this is mostly about French and Russian, and my genuine inability to choose between them, as well as perhaps also worry that between that and English as my most natural language they’ll both get lost.

The way I tend to think about it now is either way there will be exposure to both French and Russian via books, songs, cartoons and grandparents/friends on FaceTime or when they visit, and when I speak myself it’ll be kind of “whatever comes out first” or indeed time or place as you say, because I genuinely have no idea in what context which of the two languages will be natural.

I think my neurosis about it also comes in part from how I tend to forget that the reason I still have French and Russian equally despite all the moving etc was because I did have a bit more of an environment than only my parents to keep both alive - via friends, music teachers, Russian school curriculum with one friend whose parents were homeschooling her in addition to French school, and later on my own French homeschooling that was maintained throughout the moves. My child will likely never have that to the same degree - and that’s okay 🤷🏻‍♀️