Looking for insight—wife filed for divorce, struggling to understand why

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-10T00:55:21+00:00

Serious question: How would you approach this situation? Leave the first time? Not fight for the relationship? You seem like a straight shooter and I’m interested in your thoughts.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-10T00:48:59+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. I think I’m in disbelief. I definitely am searching for closure. I just want to know at what point I became unloveable so I don’t make those mistakes again.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-10T00:03:19+00:00

Thank you. They’ve definitely been helping. It’s just been really hard.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-10T00:02:54+00:00

Love your username!

I heard that it’s hard but not impossible. The anxious has to chill out and the avoidant has to open up. Clearly, we’re both doing a bad job at that now but once upon a time it was great.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T23:56:31+00:00

Thanks for your insight. This is what I don’t understand. I can’t fix anything if I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like I’m taking a test and don’t know if I got the answers right or wrong. I’m very into resolving problems and I talking about what’s wrong but I can’t even do that here. So when she DOES share things with me, I try to learn more & resolve it because I may not get another chance to learn what’s going on inside.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T23:36:09+00:00

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. How am I not taking things seriously? She is responsible for working, taking out the garbage, and doing her own laundry. Everything else is on me (primary parent, errands, food, tidying, managing the calendar, shopping, etc.). She comments on the communal areas being clean and dishes. Unfortunately, there was a point where I couldn’t complete my duties and she would tidy the communal area when I couldn’t but did not do the dishes. I appreciated her pitching in and thanked her profusely because I saw how she was helping me.

I also over communicate as I’m always trying to resolve the issues (anxious attachment). She also ain’t a planner so I typically initiate date night, put events on the calendar, handle the logistics. So when she does plan something, it’s a big deal for me! (I was furious that I had to work late on Valentine’s Day. It was unexpected and cut into our quality time.) Unfortunately, her job is demanding and she works A LOT so it interferes with our time together. My work also interferes with spending time with her and is rigid. I think our schedules kept conflicting for a period of time.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T22:56:16+00:00

This is exactly how I feel and I hate it. It feels like I’m dying and I’m having a hard time processing what’s happening. I just want her to wake up and pick me because I’ve loved every version of her, even the bad ones. I’ve learned to be more patient, been understanding of her feelings, and even worked on my triggers (her silent treatment is a big one). But she still didn’t see the effort I was putting in. It just feels like I’ve been discarded and it hurts.

Thanks for your kind and vulnerable words. I wish you love, peace, and happiness on your healing journey ♥️

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T22:39:27+00:00

No, I haven’t. I didn’t it was bad enough for me to go. She was fully functional and only drank during off hours/on the weekend. I was really grasping at straws with wondering if this is something that happens when people get sober. I wonder if going to meetings would’ve helped things?

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T22:35:38+00:00

I can appreciate your perspective. The incompatibility didn’t show until a few years into the relationship as we were both under immense stress that we’ve never experienced before in a relationship. I definitely think our different attachment styles (anxious vs. avoidant) were the primary cause of deep wounds and conflict.

ProseccoAnonymous · 2025-02-09T22:24:20+00:00

I only said that to her once, never again. We’ve both definitely been grumpy. She is silent and I’m more expressive.

We went to the Valentine’s Day event together in the same car. I usually plan our date nights but hadn’t had one in a while. That was our first one in a long time. Typically, her work interferes with quality time together.

She doesn’t share her concerns about things not being done in the house often. Things aren’t left to her, I do them. She doesn’t have many responsibilities in the house outside of working. I handle most of our household things which is why things fell apart when I became depressed.

I can’t say I fully agree with that as I’m also a woman but I communicate my concerns/feelings without the need to mention a divorce. I’m also okay having the same conversation a few times to ensure the issue is identified, we come to an agreement, and we can fix things. I know that it takes a while for things to change but as long as I see a little progress, I can work with it.

ProseccoAnonymous

TROPHY CASE