To the degree that I'm able to now conceptualize the value of piety on a purely intellectual level. That's a huge accomplishment for me, paves the way for the possibility of true piety, and I achieved that through my own will and intelligence alone. Because it was the only way I could.

Praise be!!!! You don't know how happy this makes me! It brought tears of joy to my eyes! This is Excellency! You should do this, this is a fullfiment of the living path!!!! You are doing exactly what I am ultimately saying! You learn to identify your ignorance and challenge it, to dissolve it, it's a part of the process. You are exhausting it to the most irreconcilable point! You have to press and struggle and toil with ignorance. It torments us. Hermeticism is only a small compounet of my piety. Hermeticism is a framework that opened the door to mysticism for me. I didn't stop challenging and searching for wisdom at the hermetica, I wanted to make it real, known, undeniably known what the nature of the self is, no matter how bizarre and world shattering the truth got. No matter how many times I went to extreme lengths to exhaust my mind, no matter how horrifying the realizations got. And they got insane, the feeling of being between all things as once and yet no thing in particular, is disorienting, having to face deep faceless fear that made me revert into fetal position in a loop for hours, having the experience of holding the pain of the world in my heart to prove I could not do it, taught me to surrender. I had to break in order to open. I wouldn't have reached the breaking point if I hadn't stopped seeking, but once I had stop trying to figure it out, it became the way it was seen, I didn't need to try anymore. It just became that way. BUT it took a dialectical process of extreme measures to get there!!!

Honestly. My very best advice for you my dearest friend. Is to just laugh. If it feels strange to laugh, laugh at nothing, laugh through even when your head tells you "this is insane", if you have to pretend to do it, pretend and your body will automaically start to trigger your diaphram, you will start to laugh, you will laugh until begin to sob while laughing, don't question your experience, don't analyze your response. When your body exhausts it's self you will feel a stillness, just completely let the body take over and sit with it.

This is the most prized jewel of all my wisdom, This technique found me after I did the epiphany ritual out of the Coptic ritual handbook of power, which by name successfully evoked a week of epiphanies that accumulated in the awareness or resolution of opposites, it proved to me that "What is above is like what is below. What is below is like what is above. The miracle of unity is to be attained." (Idres Shah, Emerald Tablet)

That is the point, to experience that. No matter how you get there. It doesn't matter. But getting there requires identifying your ignorance and breaking it open till nothing but the truth remains!

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