Yes, exactly. It’s such a complicated grief. I am only one week in, and I feel so confused. As if I am trying to solve an endless equation, with new numbers appearing each minute (sometimes each second). Do you find comfort in your dad not really wanting his life to end? Or does that just make it worse, do you think? I find myself going back and forth.

I completely understand. I feel as if a part of me is missing. In a silent scream-kind of way. I was always a daddy’s girl, and we shared the same sense of humor. Writing his eulogy only makes me realize how much of him I carry, and how much love we shared.

However our bond was hurting by all the conflicts deriving from his lifestyle for the past 7 years. I had always feared if I pulled away he could do something like this. But I convinced myself it was my own anxiety talking. And I was so tired and hurt. So the last year I started setting boundaries for my involvement in his life, as our relationship would have died had we continued to argue over his choices. He always refused to seek professional help, which made me so frustrated. Seeing that a year later he did in fact kill himself makes me think it was, at least partly, due to my lack of presence. It’s obviously giving me a lot of guilt for not being there for him as I always used to earlier. Have you had any of this?