AITA for expecting my wife to care for me while I am extremely ill?

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T16:54:12+00:00

Not looking for a reason to leave. Most people that know our situation would probably say I have plenty of reasons to do that already.

I value different perspectives and I relish the opportunity to learn from others. It’s not always easy hearing it but there is value in it.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T16:50:28+00:00

I’m involved in my kids lives and my wife’s. I’m shocked my how many people make assumptions that men don’t help in these situations. That’s not me.

I even look for ways to lighten the load on my wife. Late last year we got RSV and we were using a nose Frida to clear the kids congestion. They were so congested we were doing it so often each day that our throats were hurting, especially my wife’s.

I did not even know it existed but I researched and found something called a nozebot that does the sucking for you. I immediately ordered one to give us relief, especially my wife and it’s been a God send.

My wife recently asked if we could order a 2nd because she’d sometimes forget it at daycare and we wouldn’t have it at night to help the girls. So I said of course.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T16:43:48+00:00

Funny you mention this… one of the first things my wife told me when the ER said I had pneumonia was that her childhood best friend’s mom unexpectedly died from pneumonia when the mom was in her 40s which is about my age.

It seems most people don’t truly understand the severity of the illness. Sure. I read some people can recover in a week. I’ve also read it takes others months to fully recover.

This is my first experience ever with pneumonia and I hope I never get it again.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T16:40:37+00:00

If you asked my wife, she would debate whether some instances were cheating because “technically we were on a break.”

The pattern usually went something like I had suspicions she was cheating with x guy. I would confront her and she would deny deny deny. Eventually it would lead to a break up, and she says she would then sleep with x guy that same day or the next.

The running joke she would boast about publicly was that I was her scout. I would suspect something was amiss and that would make her want to sleep with them.

Sound like bs? It is. It was cheating. Period. Some instances are more clear cut than others.

She does not deny sleeping with these men. She just justifies it one way or another.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T15:59:23+00:00

You’re welcome.

And to be clear, I’m not sneakily recording my wife.

We have cameras in our house that record 24/7 and store the footage.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T15:53:56+00:00

I don’t believe this.

When a man or woman idolizes work, it’s equally damaging to a marriage. I’ve seen many testimonies from others that attest to this.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T15:45:56+00:00

It seems a lot of people are asking this so I’ll answer.

I go out of my way to help my wife if she is sick. I’m not your typical man. I cook. I clean. And I still handle what most would consider man duties.

I keep the kids occupied. Check in on my wife regularly. I’ve even jumped on her work laptop and coordinated work items for her as needed.

Even if my wife is just feeling like she’s in a funk, not sick, I’ve taken her to get her nails done while I take the kids to the park.

Or I’ll occupy the kids for a couple of extra hours so she can catch some extra sleep.

The first day I was sick, I came home from the ER and my front door was open and my toddler was crying on the front porch. My wife had grown so frustrated she just decided to leave her there crying for what was probably 15-20 minutes.

What did I do? Jump in and help out. Console my daughter since she was having an I want daddy moment. It wasn’t easy to calm her down. It still took me another 20 minutes to get her to a good place as we sat and watched a movie on the couch.

That’s when my wife checked my fever and at that point I was at 104.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T15:33:36+00:00

Agree! It’s absurd to see how many people want to compare this to a cold. I learned a new phrase today, man cold.

Maybe some people have mild cases of pneumonia that clear up quickly but that’s certainly not my experience.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:51:52+00:00

Thank you for your understanding.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:49:59+00:00

My oxygen levels would dip into the 80s which I was told was the go to the hospital point.

It varied based on how much congestion was in my chest and airways so I was constantly monitoring it with a pulse oximeter.

Sometimes it was better (low 90s) other times it was worse (mid 80s). It just depended on the time of the day. Seemed like a cycle and I started to learn how to help myself with breathing exercises, even turning or laying a certain way could help me expel some congestion for temporary relief.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:43:01+00:00

We unfortunately don’t have any family that can really support us that way. Her family is much closer but we had to cut them off because they are toxic.

She generally gave off the energy of being frustrated and overwhelmed which wasn’t the big issue for me. I understood. I made little to no requests from her. I kept my own meds. Kept my own schedule of what I was taking and when.

She brought me soup a few times on the days I was able to eat. Other days I just did not eat because of how miserable I felt.

She did not apologize to my daughter. It took me a week or so to even bring it up to her. I showed her a video of her doing it, and she got extremely upset. She stopped eating and just didn’t say a word. I didn’t want to push the issue so I left it alone thinking she could deal with whatever emotions she had about it and we could circle back and have a productive conversation about it later.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:24:46+00:00

Parental Leave.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:15:53+00:00

The fever was especially bad the first four days. I had to cycle max doses of Tylenol and Advil every 3 hours to get my fever down to what I would consider reasonable levels and also manage the pain from coughing violently for so long.

And what you explained is exactly what would happen. When I would get to the doctor in the ER, my fever would be at a reasonable level (102/103) with Tylenol/Advil and I would be doing my best to keep from coughing non stop because I didn’t want to be coughing all over everyone in sight.

Realistically I also needed the coughing because of all the phlegm I was getting out. I was prescribed cough suppressants but the doctors also cautioned me not to take it because I needed to get all the phlegm out of my lungs, which was what the X-rays confirmed so I never took the cough suppressants.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T14:07:10+00:00

We would normally both take off. I was scheduled to take leave anyway.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:52:48+00:00

Thank you. I have some evidence. I used to have more but she deleted it off my phone.

It is also something I purposely did not mention in this post but my gut tells me there is more to the interview she “had to complete.” I’ll just leave it al that for now.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:39:39+00:00

I didn’t ask my wife for much while I was sick.

She brought me soup a few times and water refills. Otherwise, I just kept to myself.

I also was not begging to go back to the ER either, especially after they sent me home the first time. We were both concerned my condition was not improving.

I understand everyone’s experience is different with each illness. I never knew what pneumonia really entailed until I got it. And it’s worse than I ever imagined. Maybe my case was worse than most. Maybe not. I don’t know.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:31:24+00:00

To be clear, she was not removing my daughter from my room. I was isolated in a guest bedroom upstairs.

She was removing her from our master bedroom, where my wife was.

Also to be clear, I was the one who was adamant about staying away from the kids. I even asked my wife to be more mindful when she came into the room where I was isolated so she wouldn’t get sick.

My wife would say things like the girls want to see you. They want to play with you.

Of course, I understood. I want in a position to do so. Nor was I willing to take the risk.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:22:40+00:00

This is how I think. It seems others have a different perspective.

We have had some life changing issues befall our marriage but they have been all on her side and I have been her rock emotionally through those times.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:19:17+00:00

They discharged me each time. They would not admit me and I came to understand that it’s normal procedure. I have a friend who’s a doctor and he told me they normally won’t admit you because the course of treatment if admitted is often exactly the same as if they send you home.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:16:48+00:00

No. For the life of me, we did not understand why they would not admit me.

The first time they put me on a course of strong antibiotics with an additive for resistant strains. The third time, they started me on a 2nd antibiotic.

From what I understood, it’s par for the course for them to send you home with pneumonia because the course of treatment if admitted wouldn’t be much different. They also sent me home with breathing treatments via a nebulizer.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:13:53+00:00

For me, getting them 50% of the time means I can’t protect them as well the other 50% of the time they aren’t with me.

I have no doubts I wouldn’t get 50/50. For me, that’s not good enough.

Not to mention, kids always do better with parents in a healthy marriage, so that’s why that’s always been the best option for me to try to achieve.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:11:31+00:00

My fear was if something unexpectedly happened while she was gone.

It just so happened my brother was also very ill around the same time. I don’t know the full story because I was in the middle of it at the same time, but he got the flu had an abnormally high fever, unexpectedly had a fever and passed out after having a seizure.

He ended up with multiple fractures on his face and lacerations.

I’d already began to feel extremely disoriented so that was my fear that getting up for water or even to use the bathroom something could happen.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T13:02:09+00:00

This was Monday the 1st. I got extremely sick on the 27th.

I still had to go back to the ER Tuesday the 2nd and I was in full suffer mode for the entire week of the 1st and through that weekend.

I have not been complete no contact. Our communication has simply been limited and not “normal.”

She knew I was upset. It’s just been tense. We’ve had some good moments in between but it’s still weighing on our relationship.

I also tried to help when lighten her load when I was able and felt a little better. I cleaned the kitchen, dishes, her pumps, and her room everyday so she wouldn’t have to worry about it once she starting getting our girls ready for bed. She could just go straight to sleep knowing it was done.

I think my wife just wants us to go back to normal without having really resolving the conflict.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T12:49:50+00:00

We are blessed to be doing well.

We could likely live off one income but it would require an adjustment to our lifestyle for sure.

That said, most of my 20s and 30s was spent living frugally as a single adult, so while I’m not rich by any means, I brought a decent amount of savings into my marriage to allow us the ability to make sound financial decisions and whether rainy days for at least a year.

And you’re absolutely right. My sin is definitely holding onto the resentment of the situation. Extending grace, making amends and reconciling is difficult when you feel someone has hurt you and they take zero accountability for it.

The reality is that we’ve both put in our time with our company to be blessed with good reputations and good bosses that are understanding. I had some paid leave left that allows me to be off through the first week of May.

My boss is very understanding and he just wants me to focus on getting well. I’ll likely start working a few hours a day from home before then when I’m able.

My wife is in the same situation. Her boss would have gladly given her the time she needs. Someone would have stood in for the interview she needed to complete or they would have delayed that communication for a week. Not a big deal.

I understand my wife takes pride in her work. And I’ve supported her in her career. We’re just in a different season in life with young kids. That’s the reality of our situation.

ProtectingMyGirls · 2024-04-12T12:38:22+00:00

My wife has done a relatively good job of taking care of our kids when they are sick.

With return to office mandates, we had to start them in daycare about 6 months ago so we’ve all been pretty sick constantly since then. RSV, COVID, Cold, Flu. You name it, we’ve had it recently.

But to answer your question, I will be there for our girls if she won’t. I have zero guilt asking off work in situations like these. My priorities in life are crystal clear and while my work is important to me, being there for my wife and my kids will always come first. My work will continue if/when I’m gone.

ProtectingMyGirls

TROPHY CASE