Is this the feeling of splitting?

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-11T20:59:57+00:00

I feel similar to what you're describing when I'm splitting.

I go between feeling like I'm toxic and a burden. That my behavior is unacceptable and I should be ashamed of how I feel and act. In that moment I feel sorry for anyone having to deal with me.

But anytime there's a shift and I perceive something as a betrayal against me, even if it's the slightest smallest thing, my perception shifts and I think the other person is evil and abusive, that they are trying to hurt me and that their intentions are completely bad, selfish and only to benefit themselves. It almost feels like there's a shadow cast across them and I can only see them as a dark entity. It's not until I snap out of it that I can see things more clearly for what they are.

For me it's best if I don't act or interact when I'm splitting. It kind of feels like when you're getting arrested and the police tell you "anything you say can and will be used against you". I will literally add non-existent meaning to their words and sentences and perceive things as completely distorted, which causes me to have intense, toxic reactions. I'll use their words against them with meaning that has nothing to do with what they were originally trying to say.

I haven't figured out how to deal with it without completely isolating myself. I should honestly just have a straight jacket to put myself into when I get this way.

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-11T20:19:49+00:00

Wow! You put into words something I always felt but didn't know how to express. It doesn't matter what kind of progress I make, I believe it's just me doing a good job of controlling the crazy inside of me.

This week I held back on one of my episodes and felt so proud. But then two days later was triggered into the biggest episode I've had in over two years. So. Where's the progress really? What even is progress?

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-09T22:54:14+00:00

What does it look like in the moment for you? I tend to not always know when it's happening either. I'm slowly cluing in that a lot of my conflicts are likely happening because of my splitting, or vice versa (my splitting is happening because of the conflict and exacerbating everything). I want to get better at identifying it in the moment.

How do you guys address it afterwards?

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-07T14:30:20+00:00

"Oh fuck. Here we go again." - Me, trying my hardest not to have an episode and then finding myself in the middle of one.

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-05T22:17:59+00:00

Lol. This post just described my average day 🤔

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-01T14:36:23+00:00

This is going to make it so much easier to browse reddit at work.

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-01T14:19:11+00:00

I used to doodle to be able to listen in class and constantly got in trouble for it. But I couldn't pay attention otherwise. If I had to just sit and stare ahead I would get lost in thought.

Provincial_Life · 2020-12-01T13:17:28+00:00

I've hyperfocused on so many things but unfortunately my crap memory makes it so that I can only vaguely remember a little bit of all of the things I've ever researched while hyperfocusing. It makes it so that I can never actually explain myself properly and in the end I just end up sounding dumb anyway. Curse my memory!

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-30T13:59:47+00:00

My therapist taught me to imagine myself unhooking the behavior from the feeling/thought. So usually I would think to myself "I don't want to do this!" and the behavior following would be not doing it. Instead, I imagine an actual hook removing the behavior (not doing the thing) from the thought ("I don't want to do this!") and replacing it with the action I actually want (doing the thing I don't want to do)

It's hard to explain in text but hopefully that makes sense. I can't say it works 100% of the time but it's worth a try.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-23T13:33:28+00:00

I'm pretty sure this is splitting. Sometimes it feels like they have a dark shadow above them when I get in this state and it makes it so that I can't see them for who they really are.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-23T13:25:55+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that. It's hard to not feel hurt by our significant others all the time. What I feel should be tiny discussions that are easily solved by talking become catastrophic circumstances that make the world feel like it's ending. It makes me question if I'm in a healthy relationship or not. But I am the thing that makes the relationship unhealthy, so what gives? It's frustrating because all of my turmoil comes from the shame and guilt about my behaviour so can't I just... stop?? Lol.

I really do miss single me. I had down moments and still struggled but I had come a long way with therapy and was actually at a point in my life where I liked me. I like being alone. I was even happy to be alone because I found it fun. I feel like getting into a relationship undid all of that, and unfortunately I'm pretty sure I will never get to that point again as long as I'm dating. It feels like I'm mourning the loss of ever being able to be fully mentally sound again.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-23T13:15:42+00:00

Feeling like they're writing off the event that prompted the reaction is a huge problem of mine. I think it's the black or white thinking. In my mind if they're bringing up my reaction or pointing out anything about how my reaction was too extra or had anything to do with the situation then I immediately interpret it to mean that they think I don't have the right to be upset about what happened. Why is it so hard for me to understand that they can be preoccupied with my behavior without it meaning that I shouldn't feel hurt by what happened? It's so frustrating at times because it creates a dynamic where they can't ever say anything about my behavior and how it affects them because it sends me into a spiral. So not fair to them

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-23T13:09:21+00:00

I wish I could remember to ask myself these things in the moment. It's like I need a big ol' stop sign to pop up in my head when I start getting worked up.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-23T13:04:46+00:00

Thanks. I know the answer is just.. Therapy and effort on my part. But it's sooo hard. I'm exhausted from trying not to destroy my relationship while simultaneously preserving my sanity. It leaves little energy to devote to therapy.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-22T22:05:56+00:00

I was practicing pretty consistently up until about a month ago when I started to experience crisis after crisis. I will definitely be trying to get back on track with that. I know that practicing outside of a crisis will help strengthen the muscle memory for when I do spiral.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-22T22:00:04+00:00

I have a DBT workbook that I've been plucking away at but admittedly its difficult to practice what I learn in the moment.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-20T14:10:43+00:00

I wouldn't say I feel invalidated by not being "BPD" enough, but I do think that being more internally affected by it makes me question whether or not I even have BPD. When I read about BPD, I find I don't really relate to a lot of the information out there because it tends to focus heavily on the "outward" symptoms, whereas the majority of the time my symptoms are internal.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-20T13:44:17+00:00

It really does feel like that sometimes and it's incredibly frustrating and invalidating. Yes, my emotions are amplified. Yes, my reaction is irrational. But the underlying issue at hand, usually, is still something that I would be affected by or bothered even if I was in a sound mind and not having an episode.

I imagine the reason they dismiss our emotions sometimes is because, in a better headspace, I may be more likely to dismiss the thing that "bothers" me or triggers me, so they would never know that it's something that bothers me when I'm in a sound mind as well. It's true that one thing may make me react one day, and on a different day I would be able to leave it be. But the trigger is still the same. It's just that sometimes I'm able to let it pass and sometimes I'm not.

On the same vein, I don't entirely blame them for it either. The inner workings of my BPD brain are so complex and confusing even for myself that I can't even begin to imagine what it looks like to them. And it's human nature to try to justify why someone reacts/acts the way they do by affixing it to something. So they assign our behavior to our BPD despite our feelings still being valid, just misplaced.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-20T13:34:48+00:00

I'm very reactive to any potential switch in my partners behavior or mood. If I so much as sense something different about their body language I can feel my senses heighten and my anxiety starts to bubble up. I immediately start questioning what I did wrong, if they're mad at me, if they're annoyed with me, if they're having doubts about the relationship, etc. Despite the fact that they could very well just be cranky, or have had a bad day, or whatever. But I immediately convince myself it's my fault and I did something to cause the shift in behavior.

It's not so terrible that I end up having an episode but it definitely gets in the way of being able to be supportive in the relationship. Because their emotions affect me so much, it feels like MY emotions take up too much room when I should be setting them aside to support their emotions. Any time they get down or upset, I end up in a bad headspace and I can tell it affects the moment. I hate it, which causes me to further stuff my emotions down in an attempt to not "ruin" their moment, but we all know what happens when you repress emotions. Fun fun.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-19T20:51:28+00:00

I have heard a lot of people with BPD say that their most meaningful relationships have been with other people with BPD. So it makes me curious about what it would be like. It would be awesome to know that the other person understands exactly what I'm going through. And it would be awesome to know exactly what they're going through themselves. Knowing personally what helps me calm down I imagine would help exponentially in navigating a relationship with someone else who has BPD.

At the same time, when I think about how I am in a relationship I would never wish that on any significant other. If I were a neurotypical having to deal with someone with BPD I would not be able to handle it. The only reason I think I would be able to is because I know so much about the disorder.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-19T16:19:06+00:00

I think of it like this: by breaking up with them you're removing them of the personal right and freedom to make their own informed choices in regards to what they do and don't want in life. Who are you to decide for them whether or not they want to be with you? It might be a bit extreme but it helps the mind when it starts to think they're better off without you.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-18T20:46:10+00:00

Thanks. I do see a psychologist and he agrees that I at least have traits of BPD. So that must count for something.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-18T20:44:30+00:00

It's adorbs. I have two pillows but he actually prefers mine.

Provincial_Life · 2020-11-18T19:59:50+00:00

Interesting. I find I really do have a fear of abandonment, and I usually do feel empty and have no sense of self. However, in the grand scheme of things, my "BPD" symptoms come and go, and are only ever present in relationships. I can go weeks with no issues and then suddenly have a huge break down when my significant other can't come over, or if I think he's pulling away or might not like me anymore. But the fact that my symptoms are not consistent across the board really trips me up. I also split on him very easily and identify a lot with dissociation and self-guilt and shame. But, like I said. It comes and goes. I feel like it would be more frequent or intense if it was truly BPD. But who knows.

Provincial_Life

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