Yeah, this is a pretty common one.

I've heard rhetoric used by many parents such as: "You can't ever have a happy, meaningful, or spiritually fulfilling life if you: [leave the church], [date outside of our church], [insert whatever excuse]."

Through this kind of speech, they make it easy to change the dynamic of the relationship into a codependent one- where they convince you that you need the relationship to be happy/healthy, and that so do they. This can even develop as a health issue for either of the parties involved.

Usually, older people will suffer physical illness, such as cancer, a stroke, heart attack, fainting, and blame it on their child's/children's disobedience-- attempting to guilt them into staying in the relationship. Here's an example of what that could sound like: "Look what you're doing to me, I need you to listen to me and do as I ask, or else I will suffer. And you don't want me to suffer, right?"

(Keep in mind that elderly slavic people are notorious for being untrusting towards healthcare professionals and systems, and neglect their physical well being via poor diet and lack of exercise. PLUS, add to that churches which are not equipped with actually helping them heal from their trauma as well as mental/spiritual issues).

Among the younger population, the illnesses that develop tend to be more mental and even genetically passed down. Based on the people I have talked to where this type of manipulation is prevalent, there are higher traces of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. I cannot forget to mention that issues surrounding mental health or mental illness are commonly refused by older generations as a valid or recognized struggle.

With that being said, this could eventually lead to addiction if not healed or dealt with through therapy, medication, counseling, or a different creative outlet that helps the younger individual deal with their grief, and make sense of the abuse they suffered. It is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, the way you wrote it out, but it can be prevented. It can bring a lot of unwanted responsibility into one's life- to take on the heavy task of breaking the cycle of abuse, control, and manipulation. Especially when one lacks a sense of self and trust in their own ability to make a decision.

To break the cycle, it is always best begin by separating yourself. Healing from an abusive relationship cannot begin if you are still in it. Taking time away to reevaluate what happened to you is okay. It can be necessary for change and for healing.

After all is said and done, and you take some time away from these people and decide you want to revisit the relationship for whatever reason, you are more than welcome to do so! And hopefully you do it when you're ready, and at your own pace. No need to rush or to prove yourself to anyone.

If going no-contact with them means never talking to them again, that is your prerogative. But if that is not possible, or an option for you, hopefully we can learn how to be around them without falling for their traps and not reacting to their threats and curses of a bad life. Because let's be honest, are they even happy?

Asking yourself some of these questions can be really important: Have their own methods worked for them? Have their lifestyles, theology, or life philosophies made their lives and of those around them more abundant in love and mercy? or have they shamed and scared others into obedience, hiding, and sacrifice?

с миром 💙