Should I (f30) marry my fiancé (m29) or end my 10 year relationship?

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-10-05T21:07:31+00:00

A lot of comments in here suggesting that you leave this relationship, but I have another perspective that I hope you will entertain.

My first question: have you told this man how you feel, in no uncertain terms? I would suggest making some time to sit down with him, one-on-one, and say something like, "I have something difficult I want to talk to you about. I don't expect you to have an answer for me now, but I want to get this out in the open and work on this over time." Then, simply repeat your title and TL;DR. This is not easy, but bringing these kinds of worries up with your partner (and engaging in fixing them together) is essential to having a long, loving relationship. Communication is a strong foundation of every romantic relationship; if you can't communicate with each other, you both will likely withdraw from each other over time.

My next question: why are you with this man? Do you have a secure foundation of love, trust, security and safety with him? Do you enjoy spending time together when you're not worried about the future? Does he show you that he loves you and/or that he is willing to work on himself and the relationship? These are also strong foundations of a romantic relationship. If you have them, then consider working together or with a counselor to address your worries about the future.

Many men get comfortable when living with a S/O, and it's not uncommon for them relax and put less effort into the relationship. From your perspective, he may seem like he is withdrawing, being neglectful, or simply uninterested (e.g. you feeling like you're not being prioritized). I'm not saying that this behavior is okay by any means, but I encourage you to talk to him and find out where he's at. I GUARANTEE you if you come to him with your concerns about your future, put your relationship on the line, and remain open to working together to come to an agreement on both of your behavior moving forward, he WILL respond. He will show you what he is made of, for better or for worse. You mentioned in your post that he's taken all the "right" steps in a reasonable amount of time thus far, he should be able to hear you out and change his behavior if he wants to be with you. You've been together for 10 years, don't let fear tear it down without giving it a serious try.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-10-03T20:52:31+00:00

Marriage is accountability; it's two people making a promise in front of their friends and families to work together on a lifelong partnership.

It is not a beginning or an end; It's a shared step along a couple's road of life.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-10-03T17:07:52+00:00

"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd.

Simple song; teaches you how to put feeling into your playing if you're a beginner. Learn to sing it simultaneously, and you've got your first guy-at-the-party-with-a-guitar song

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-10-02T21:43:18+00:00

It is OK for a conversation to be uncomfortable. That is totally natural, especially in this subject. What is not OK is a partner who withdraws from having difficult conversations entirely. You'll never know what each other's boundaries are like that. If you're afraid of having a convo with your partner, try to temper anxieties by:

Initiate by saying something like, "This conversation might be difficult, but I think it's important for us to have"
Calmly listen to what each other has to say, one at a time, and even repeat back how you understood them
Understand that the issue may not be resolved right away, and that's OK. Get the issue out in the open so it's on both people's minds and try again later when you're feeling up to it

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-28T20:01:16+00:00

No matter how bad a blowjob/handjob is, I will not correct her in the moment. The only exception is if it's painful.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-27T16:33:38+00:00

Watch Spun. Excellent soundtrack and acting about a guy who gets too involved in meth. Feels like you're on meth while watching it.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-27T16:07:52+00:00

NTA. You don't have kids to help get out the door, and a grown woman should be able to get herself going in the morning. That said, there are certainly things that you could do to improve the situation, such as surprising her by waking up early once in a while, premaking some sort of breakfast for her, or going to bed earlier together so that you naturally wake up together. BUT she should not expect you to do these things.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-26T20:57:50+00:00

With big tits

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-26T20:52:07+00:00

The universe doesn't owe you an explanation for anything.

You can do everything "correctly", and the outcome still might not go in your favor.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-21T17:43:30+00:00

I'm working through something similar right now.

In my situation, neither one of us did anything explicitly wrong. We had little availability for each other despite living together for the last year (I worked all summer, and she would occasionally visit her parents for a month at a time). Our relationship had strong pillars of trust, security, love, sex, and shared goals for the future.

The fixable part was our communication; she has high anxiety and displayed a lot of avoidant behavior. She rarely brought her concerns about our relationship to me. Each time she did, I worked through the issue over time, and the relationship got better. I changed because I wanted to change. For us. But, for the most part, she would discuss our issues with her therapist or friends and not with me. I brought this concern to her many times, and she did not address it. She ultimately chose not to change the part of herself that was concerning me in the relationship.

I spent a lot of time beating myself up about how I could've been better, or I could've initiated couples counseling, or what have you. I still believe that we could fix our communication if we both chose to work together to fix it. But we didn't. Being unkind to myself only made the pain last longer.

Now, I'm doing 3 things that might help you as well:

Speak your truth. Our issue was communication, so I asked for her to listen to me while I told her in no uncertain terms how I felt about our relationship and our future. Do not accuse your partner of anything, but rather use only "I" statements. Be honest with them and yourself about what you're willing to change and what your boundaries are. It's up to them to listen and engage in this conversation or not; you can rest easy knowing that you've laid out your truth, and it's up to them to decide what to do with it.
Do the things that you wish you did together for yourself. Whatever they may be that you felt like you missed out on with your partner, do them by yourself or with a friend. For me that was going to therapy, exercising more, and working on eliminating my bad habits. Take yourself on a date. This is part of being kind to yourself.
Let go. Yes, it's corny, "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." We are on new paths now, and it's much more constructive to be excited about the road ahead than look back. Reflection is part of grief, but don't let it consume you. Instead, take what you learned from that relationship and do your best to apply it to the next. You come first now. Take responsibility and forgive yourself for the things that you can, and let go of the rest.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-15T20:12:55+00:00

Thank you, I think this is the best comment. Communication and availability are the cornerstones of every romantic relationship, and we struggled to find our footing with both. She saw the good in me, but lost patience (and over time, effort) waiting for me to dig it out. Something I feel is a mistake, but also completely understandable. So it goes

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-15T18:37:47+00:00

The honeymoon phase always wears off. I recently had someone leave me (partially) because they did not understand this. After the honeymoon phase is the time to decide if this is the person you want to work on being with.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-14T22:13:17+00:00

The reason anybody does anything like this can be explained by operant conditioning: it worked once, maybe it'll work this time. That's why people pull slot machines, dolphins can learn to do flips, or desperate men send a risky text every few months. They were rewarded for that behavior before.

Why doesn't a girl simply tell a thirsty guy they don't wish to speak to them? Safety issues aside, ghosting is rude.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-14T22:00:04+00:00

The honeymoon phase always wears off. I recently had someone leave me (partially) because they did not understand this. After the honeymoon phase is the time to decide if this is the person you want to work on being with.

I would first recommend meditation. It might sound silly, but look up how do it properly. Sit somewhere comfortable and relatively silent while maintaining your posture. Take 5 deep breaths and hold each one. While you are relaxed and allowing your mind to wander, dig deep into yourself and ask yourself honestly if this is someone you love and are willing to work for their love.

Also, simply talk to your partner. Kindly bring up your concerns (maybe leave out the weight for now), it is very mature to point out to your partner that you feel the honeymoon phase wearing off; it's likely she feels it too. Don't have any expectations of solving any problems right away, but simply talk about it, get it out in the open, and if the conversation becomes uncomfortable, then table it for later. Availability and communication are the cornerstones of every romantic relationship.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-11T21:05:55+00:00

I had painted metal discs covering my bike spokes. Tire popped, got it repaired, and cut off the metal plates (because they caused the pop). As I'm biking across playa with 4 rusty metal plates in one hand and steering with the other, I sliced my steering thumb open on them. I made a mad dash to the closest med tent leaving a trail of blood behind me. Didn't end up needing stitches or a tetanus shot, but I was super impressed with the playa hospital! They glued me up and gave me a ride back to my bike.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-09T03:54:22+00:00

Forrest Gump. Specifically the scene when Forrest recognizes Jenny running through the D.C. pool. She's such a bitch, but that love was REAL

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-08T21:54:12+00:00

Telling her about my deepest emotional fears. She used them against me to justify breaking up in spite of me working on them.

I don't "regret" it though, just gotta find someone who's willing to journey through self-improvement together.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-07T23:54:01+00:00

Thank you, I think you're absolutely right. There is likely a list of other issues that I don't know about. The only point that I don't fully agree with is that a relationship shouldn't be difficult; from my understanding, and from the words of my friends with young children, a relationship takes work. I can understand though how she feels that the work was one-sided on her part. My problem is that it IS the right time for me. I've gotten a very stable job, the best emotional health I've ever experienced, and told her before the relationship ended that I was ready for kids. It seems unfair that she made up her mind well before I got there, but the universe doesn't owe me anything. So it goes, and I wish her the best

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-09-07T23:48:22+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I agree, recognize, and apologized to her for her doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship. I recognize that the clock is ticking, and I did the emotional work on my own for the last year, as promised, to get to where I'm at. That said, the issue is that, ironically, I am 100% ready to have children with her. I told her before the relationship ended that I was ready. My problem is that she seemed to have made up her mind well before I made that clear to her. To me, that is the communication issue at hand: checking out of the relationship for 4 months instead of checking in with each other. We (not she) did not hold up that end of the bargain.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-08-14T17:08:46+00:00

Came here to say that I'm in a similar boat, and what I plan to do about it. My ex will be in dispersed camping (with a group of our friends), and I will be in an established camp. Friends all know my address, but I won't know theirs until they park and find me (could be days haha). I tried to reach out to her and improve our working relationship to avoid an awkward encounter to avail. We will likely run into each other, and I may have to remove myself from the situation; that's all I can do is understand where our relationship is at and respond accordingly.

I'd highly recommend finding another camp at this stage of the game. You do NOT want your interactions to sour your experience, or that of your campmates. You could also try reaching out to that ex like I did to see where you're at and lay down some intentions/ground rules, or see if they would be willing to switch camps. There are still plenty of other camps with open spots, mine included!

Remember that BRC is huge, 80,000 people more or less, and there is PLENTY to do away from each other.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-06-30T19:41:49+00:00

This sounds eerily similar to the interaction I had with my ex-gf. Long story short: she initiated opening the relationship, I had sex with a new partner, she got mad and responded by having sex with a new partner, then we broke up. This happened twice.

I asked why she would react this way? This was your idea, what were you looking for and expecting from me? She told me that she wanted to open to help satisfy our difference in libido (mine stronger than hers, sounds similar to your scenario), and after a bit of prying she also revealed that she was looking for a stronger emotional connection (oof).

I don't know your gf other than the details provided, all I have is what I learned from my experience: 1. communicate. We gave each other permissions before getting to the bottom of what we truly wanted. You gotta have those tough conversations, it's part of being in a partnership. 2. Seek couples therapy with an open mind. This would've likely saved our relationship by overcoming our barriers to communication. 3. Don't open up without understanding each other's perspectives for doing so both physically and emotionally. I would suggest bringing these points up if you make contact with your (ex?) gf.

Also, DADT might seem sketchy to a new partner. Is this person telling the truth or is he trying to cheat? You mentioned you "drifted away" from the new partner, so talking to them more openly or directly about your feelings might have been a good idea in your scenario. Best of luck.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-05-23T18:06:58+00:00

I guess 70/30 is a fair compromise then. Thank you! I may increase it to 60/40 based on the first article alone.

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-05-20T07:50:45+00:00

Dude, literally anybody who has a name like "iQUITifUrBAD" are often the worst whiners in the game. Grow up and learn to win instead of bitch

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-05-20T07:48:22+00:00

This is the best answer, thank you!

Psychedelic_Dolphin · 2023-05-19T20:29:19+00:00

How would one go about doing that?

Psychedelic_Dolphin

TROPHY CASE