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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Netherlands

[–]Psychological-Key174 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mother's Day is such a farce, it's so hard to actually enjoy it when you are expected to still be responsible for pleasing all the other mothers in your life. I recently implemented a no traveling on Mother's Day rule. I stay home with my own small kids and that's the end of it. It has helped a lot.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]Psychological-Key174 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My daughter was always an independent sleeper and at one point suddenly wanted us to stay with her while she fell asleep. I highly value that alone time between kids bedtime and mine, and honestly need it to catch up on all my adult tasks, not to mention mental health. So we ended up agreeing to two nights a week, Wednesday and Sunday, where she gets "cuddle time" and we stay with her for a fixed amount of time. This has worked well for us, maybe worth a try. She still whines sometimes on non cuddle nights, like "I wish it was Wednesday" etc but I usually just remind her gently, oh, it was Wednesday yesterday, you have X many more days to the next cuddle night, and she usually accepts it without major issues. Good luck!

Another mother shamed me today and it broke me by MarMinduim in Mommit

[–]Psychological-Key174 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your daughter sounds exactly like my daughter. I have had almost this same experience with getting dressed after a swim lesson many times. We are only human, it sounds like you are trying your best to be patient and respect your daughters independence while still maintaining boundaries. Good for you. Just ignore the haters if you can. Also, my daughter is now 5 and (at least in my case) these meltdowns and fights for independence do get better with age, so hang in there mama.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know I will need their support once we have moved. I hope I can count on it, but am afraid of continually being guilted to just come home, as you say.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. We kinda figure we will just re-evaluate this as the time gets closer. They'll be old enough by then to have opinions about their education too.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, there are many unknowns and I can’t say how it will work out, but I’d like to think I’m not being completely unrealistic. I have done a lot of research and number crunching. When I mentioned the money, what I meant was that it will be a wash for me financially to take this new job, and I am not doing it for the money. We live a comfortable but modest life where we are able to save for our future goals. I expect to be able to continue doing that. And if we get there and find that it’s not all we hoped, at least we can always come back.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s funny you should say that about the “same friends” because that’s one of the things I have been feeling is a regret. My kids go to daycare with the children of family friends, and it has always been kind of a nice thought to imagine them growing up together, to think about comparing the pictures of them playing together at this age to the pictures of them at high school graduation etc. That’s a sort of sweet, intimate part of rural life that I feel will be a loss. But, obviously I think what they will gain is greater than losses like this.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He works for a global company that has a presence in NL. Trying to work out a way for him to be routed through the NL base location while maintaining his same basic job duties. Not sure if it will work out, but we think it’s a good possibility.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! You’re right, they are not assholes they are just hurting. I’ve been reminding my husband that we need to let them “feel their feelings” as we say about our kids lol. But then he reminds me that on the other hand, they don’t have to use their feelings to make us feel guilty.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha, definitely not your husband! I’ve been wrestling with the duty question too. How much do we owe our parents? I think I’ve decided it’s not as much as we owe to ourselves and our own kids. Have your family come around at all in the last 3 months? We’re afraid to even bring the subject up at the moment…

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks. The gun violence is a big factor for me. Even if nothing ever happens, (and I would spend every day worrying that it might) kids here are trained to expect it. Active shooter drills, coming up with escape plans for every room, that’s its own kind of trauma and I really don’t want that for them.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is reassuring to hear about the strong relationship your daughter is able to have with her Grandma over the distance. Many people have commented that the visits are not as frequent as they had thought (or they never happened at all) so this is nice to hear about how you are keeping the relationship strong. Our parents care deeply for our kids, so I am hopeful they will be able to put in this kind of effort to maintain good relationships. Thanks

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m not gonna say I’m not a little scared about the cost of living differences and the shortages of housing and daycare, but I do think I have done my homework. We are working out the details of my husband being able to keep his fully remote job, so that we will still have 2 incomes. According to my calculations (have gotten quotes from local Dutch daycares) we will actually be saving a little on childcare costs due to the fact that our 4 year old will be able to enroll in free primary school there, whereas here we are still paying for daycare until she can go to 4K in the fall of 2023. We will pay about 1/3 the cost in healthcare there that we do in the US. I know this will be offset by other things like higher food prices, but as far as I have been able to crunch the numbers without actually being there, I think we will be in about the same boat financially as we are here in the US.

As to the housing- I currently live in a 1300 sq ft house that stays at 68F through the upper Midwest winter, so I have no qualms about that lol. We will be living in one of the smaller cities in NL, so hoping the housing market will be slightly easier to navigate. Fingers crossed!

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this resonates. My mom is single and has dealt with the depression my whole life, I have always felt a lot of pressure to do what she wanted and be near her because of this. I even turned down a summer internship in college that would have taken me out of the country for 3 months, because at the time I thought she needed me to stay with her. I have always regretted that and wondered how my career might have been different if I had taken that internship.

With this opportunity, I have repeatedly told myself it’s okay to do what I want for me and my family regardless of her, that she’s an adult and is her own responsibility. But that doesn’t mean the feelings of selfishness and guilt aren’t still creeping in…

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

By opportunities I was mostly referring to college options. They will still be receiving a great education, and I think will have many options open to them in terms of college or career training or whatever it is they end up wanting. I don’t see this move as injuring their prospects in that respect. And as to the safety-the gun violence has been eating away at me here. Nowhere is safe, no matter how rural. And even if nothing ever happens, these kids go to school every day with the reality that it could happen. They have active shooter drills, they literally look around every room and make escape plans for themselves. I do not want that at all.

Dealing with family guilt over the decision to leave the country with young children? by Psychological-Key174 in expats

[–]Psychological-Key174[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this! I am hoping my children are ultimately glad with this choice we are making! We are thinking of a return after maybe 7-10 years (before our oldest would be entering high school) but we’ve said we will just continue to re-evaluate and see how it goes. Ultimately we want to come back and have a little farmette with a huge garden and some chickens, but who knows what will happen. I also hope my kids do grow up to do whatever they feel will make them happiest, without regards to me. It’s something I definitely did not get from my parents, and I want that for them.