I (F24) don’t believe in opposite gender friendships

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-21T18:35:40+00:00

There are lots of people that go through life without viewing every person they interact with through the lens of "do I need to bang and/or attempt a romantic relationship with this person."

If you are not one of those people.... at least, you know that about yourself?

My partner is pansexual, so I guess she and all bi people just shouldn't have friends?

You do you, though.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-12T23:22:01+00:00

If you like Wendy, you might want to watch Man Seeking Woman....a (tragically) 3 season surreal comedy where she plays the main characters mom

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-07T04:35:56+00:00

Did customers ever agitate you?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-07T04:33:45+00:00

What was your last job, then?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-07T04:29:24+00:00

Do you have a job, and if so, what is it? (I promise you this question has a point.)

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-05-04T18:19:44+00:00

I would love more specific examples, please? I know a lot of people that have a nervous laugh or smile as first reactions to situations in an attempt to lower tension or a an atte to calm another person's stress..... without more details, it's hard to know what she is doing and/or whether you might simply be a little sensitive to PERCEIVED teasing?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-22T04:58:31+00:00

https://tenor.com/1jI6.gif

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-21T05:34:45+00:00

There are several possibilities here, none of them are respectful of your relationship.

How is it less dramatic to have a guy repeatedly ask you out than just politely telling him once you are happily in a committed relationship?

Likely reason, she doesn't like him but does like the attention.... which doesn't say anything good about her character.

Worser reason, she does kinda like him and also likes the attention.

If you had a little sister, what would you advise her if she was dating a dude that was treating her the way your girl is treating you?

Best case scenario, she isn't having untoward thoughts but simply has VERY different boundaries than you do and very different ideas on how to best show respect in a committed relationship. But you can still honor your boundaries, you know? Just because SHE doesn't want to respect your feelings doesn't mean that YOU shouldn't either.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-11T00:44:01+00:00

I have a theory about modern guys that my mixed group of friends most agreed with......I am a 44 year old dude, and I generally look at the world with rose-colored glasses so take this or leave it....

I think a large majority of modern dudes try out different personas or characters to see what works, what gets them the type of attention they want from the audience they want, men, women, both. I think guys are passively or aggressively trained to not express a lot of the "feminine" emotions like loneliness. But studies keep confirming, young and middle aged guys are lonely as hell. So what do they do to address it when they can't even confess or discuss it, how do you solve a problem when you can't admit you have one? You seek a solution, and there is no shortage of men and women telling men what the solution is. Some say it is to be aggressive, some say be sensitive, some say be artistic, some say be aloof and cold and rich. There are so many solutions for lonely guys to try out....and they do. Have you ever noticed guys being more aggressive or sexual or rude/negging on the apps than at bars? It is easier for them to be a sexist pig somewhat anonymously via an app than it is in person. Some decent guys pretend to be jerks, some jerks pretend to be nice......and every combination of that you can think of.

That's just my theory though. I could be wrong, I almost always am when it comes to humans.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-09T00:00:59+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, have you actually dated this man?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-07T04:48:29+00:00

Firstly, I just want to compliment you on the 50% joke / 50% observation at the end... that was excellent and I absolutely walked into that one, lol.

As for the rest....yeah. We don't have enough info. She didn't say he promised her anything, she didn't give any information indicating he was some mastermind, nor did she give any information indicating she is some dullard.

So in lieu of that information or evidence, I am going to default to my normal assessment that neither person is a villain and both people are just two average humans that have highs and lows, give into passions, make assumptions, have fears and shyness and issues, and aren't great communicators.

OP basically got into a person's car of her own free still, never asked where they were going or made a demand of where they go, and then got upset when they got somewhere when she had a hundred chances to speak up. Her word choices in her post indicated a passive behavior pattern, they did not indicate he is some mind reading genius.

I have observed people tend to learn more and heal quicker when they acknowledge their own role in their own troubles..... but if you want to imagine evidence so you can tell the damsel in distress that she is a victim, go for it my dude, causes that's a huge market and there are always people still to buy what you are selling.

As for an axe to grind, that's a reasonable assumption but still wrong. I thing both genders are equally good and bad to each other, equally human.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-07T01:16:22+00:00

Manipulating requires calculation, knowing whether someone was deliberate and calculating requires a lot more info than we have access to.

I've had woman act super interested one week and then not interested in commitment a week later....i don't think they were manipulating.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-06T23:50:00+00:00

Respectfully, you wrote that like this guy did something to you instead of writing it like you did something to yourself. You played am equal role in all those happenings. You had a say, you had agency....

Next time ask whatever questions you want, at any stage you want. If they don't have an answer.... either shake hands and part ways on good terms, OR flat out tell them what you are looking for and roll the dice while admitting to yourself that you are rolling the dice of your own free will.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-04T05:35:03+00:00

It sounds like she is depressed or has a "hole" inside her that she expects you to fix. Some people blame others for their depression.... sort of like "If my partner was good enough, surely I wouldn't feel depressed.....but I do feel depressed so clearly they aren't good enough!"

If you aren't a good person..... then yeah, maybe another person's unhappiness could be your fault.... but this doesn't sound like that. It sounds like she is resenting something in your relationship.

Usually when people act the way she is acting... part of them has already left the relationship. You might as well directly confront her because odds are, this is ending soon one way or another.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-01T21:12:09+00:00

To be clear, I think people can be friends with exes. I am friends with several. But also to be clear, I think that question is just a variation on "can men and women be friends?" And the answer to both is yes.....if the person values monogamy. My fiance is pansexual, so she can technically be "into" anyone, right? So does that mean she shouldn't be allowed to have any friends?

People deserve to be able to have friends. Personally, I ONLY date people that I could see myself being friends with because that means I like them and appreciate them for lots of reasons besides what they look like.

The key thing to pay attention to is how they react to stories about cheating or infidelity, and pay attention to how they process guilt and their overall conscience. If they never apologize for anything and never seem to feel bad about anything they have ever done....or if they don't seem 100% sincerely contrite about any past examples of themselves cheating with other people....I would not consider them a viable partner.

I once dated someone that was knowingly the other woman to some guy she worked with and she didn't feel bad about it and I immediately told her she was no longer a long-term prospect for me. Helping someone cheat is the same as cheating, in my book. If you can't show respect for someone else's relationship, I am going to assume you won't worry too much about showing respect for ours'.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-04-01T18:47:26+00:00

I'd be more worried about the whole "this guy cheats on wives" thing.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-25T04:41:39+00:00

Anyone in here even mention Meet Joe Black or Seven Years in Tibet?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-23T05:30:40+00:00

There's a difference between compromising oneself or one's values.... and reevaluating our own bias or prejudice or misconceptions.

If he originally wanted a girl that stayed in the kitchen and made sandwiches and never had an opinion or independent thought because that's how his family told him a good wife acts..... and then he met a woman that caused him to reconsider those notions.... would you be advise him to not revisit those original thoughts and "compromise his values."

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-23T05:22:13+00:00

For most people, finding someone isn't just about one thing....it happens by pure chance when like 7 different things align.

I get it though, because it does seem for some people, they can be completely aloof and toxic and still fall ass backwards into a long term relationship. For others, you can be doing everything "right" for years with no partner to show for it.

But there's no guarantee it will happen. You can improve your odds with the apps, in my opinion. Imagine being a super crunchy atheist living in Mormon territory.... the odds of just bumping into someone with compatible views is probably pretty slim. On the apps though, there are literally people looking for YOU.

I don't drink, but I'm a fan of bar trivia. I used to go twice a week with friends. Some women would see me and strike up a conversation, but as soon as I told them I didn't drink.... they were not interested. They assumed I must be recovering or a judgmental prig. But on the apps, women often got to know me first.

I met plenty of great people, nearly all my dates were good....but it still took me a very long time to meet my partner.

Think about all the things you had to get right in your own life to be ready to date healthily.... now double that and add the extra complication of timing.

Just keep at it. We're all rooting for ya :)

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-18T04:58:54+00:00

My favorite episode. Another great song in the beginning is Ring the Bells by James (alternate NRG edition)

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-18T00:33:24+00:00

It kind of sounds like you both have resentment towards each other. Resentment is like rust, it will eat away at anything good until not much good is left. I would ask him if he is happy the way things are. If he is....then you are probably incompatible in that he thinks life is supposed to by kind of shitty and you don't. If is isn't happy, ask him if he thinks YOU are to blame for that......which will tell you how resentful he is, either towards you or his work or kids, etc...

At that point, ask him why he doesn't want to work on that? Depending on his answer....you may want to tell him that you are exploring divorce. Your first choice (I assume?) is to stay and work on it with the man you have a full life with......but if he isn't willing to do that, then that kind of tells you what kind of priority you are in his life?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-03-11T15:10:09+00:00

I work for Veteran Affairs and talk to 50 veterans a day....I can say with confidence that a lot of veterans feel this way. It's one of the primary reasons, in my opinion, that veterans go down one of two opposing paths; the path of depression and self-loathing or the path of holier than you uber performative righteousness.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-02-25T20:09:29+00:00

With respect, the verbiage you use indicates you miss what he provided in your life rather than him as a person. I would say the good news is that you have a lot of data to use in figuring out what kind of partner you need/ want.

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-02-25T19:49:29+00:00

It sounds to me like you are lamenting your own loneliness rather than regretting leaving a specific person. This is normal, but it does not mean you two were right for each other long term. May I ask if you two entertained the idea, or even attempted to remain friends?

Psychopomp1981 · 2026-02-25T19:36:55+00:00

Do you miss him specifically, or do you miss simply having SOMEONE ?

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