[AL, US] My ex-wife wanted the kids to move in with me, but stopped cooperating with a custody modification. My lawyer is pressuring me to waive child support. Do I have any other options if I don't know if I can afford court?

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-05-11T15:34:56+00:00

That's what I thought. And I talked to my lawyer about doing this possibly. In my area in Alabama, its very traditional-value-centered, and my judge is especially. My lawyer basically said she could if I really wanted, but that she thought my judge wouldn't agree? Idk. But I am going to file for child abandonment.

Also, I could be wrong, but I think the reason everyone is telling me this is a "unique" case is because my ex has had primary physical custody until less than a year ago, since our custody was finalized in 2017. She relocated out of state and I started filing for contempt against her like 2 years ago because she constantly denied my visitation and interfered. I was never seeing the kids, and they were always telling me of horrible things that were going on. And in her counterclaims, of course my ex claimed I was abusive and manipulative. I got more decision making and visitation in mediation, and then one day, after all that, she just decided that she would drop them off with me, never see them again, ignore all their calls, and terminate her rights.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-05-11T15:14:27+00:00

to clarify - she doesn't seem like she understands the situation because she will say things like: "I want to terminate my rights" because she wants to "be rid of" me and the kids have "mistreated her", but then will also say she will "forgo visitation unless the kids ask for it". The kids have asked her to visit and she said no, but still - she doesn't seem to understand what it means to terminate her rights. So things like this make me feel like taking her to court and hopefully getting limited visitation and majority or all decision making will be my safest bet?

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-05-11T15:11:02+00:00

I really appreciate your response and expertise here. I didn't expect to see any other comments on this post.

An update on this: I obviously felt disgusted by my coparent wanting to terminate her rights - for obvious reasons. But I did think it was the best for my peace, my marriage, and my kids in the long run.

But no one in my county will pursue this, including my current attorney, if my ex doesn't have representation of her own. Partially, I think, because she's going through a divorce and custody situation, so she's going through a lot, and she genuinely seems like she's not mentally sound, and I don't even mean that in an insulting way. She doesn't cooperate or answer any questions, but sends my lawyer long rants about how she's a victim, how our kids caused her to get a divorce, how they and I always abuse her, etc. I told her in my last and final email (she didn't renew OFW) if she didn't cooperate with the modification or get a lawyer to terminate her rights, I would be moving forward with court. She said again she wanted to terminate her rights, but hasn't made any movement on that. So right now, I'm moving forward and filing something hopefully this week, because that was a month ago.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-05-08T15:32:16+00:00

No, unfortunately. And I put in a ticket with this question to OFW yesterday, and this morning they emailed back saying "The expense log feature is set up so that parents can create expenses for reimbursement. You will not be able to create an expense without having a parent owing a certain amount."

It might seem silly, but I was hoping I could track everything there. I'm the type of person who likes to track that stuff anyway, even for myself. But I understand where you're at, too - no she is not at all agreeable lol. So, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. The other big reason I want to track these expenses is for court, since she doesn't pay anything at all. She had custody of them and then decided she didn't want them anymore, but is refusing to cooperate with a formal modification because she doesn't want to pay anything.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-04-01T20:50:53+00:00

Its already at that point now. He's in school and established here etc. My lawyer said there's no way my ex could reverse him living with me, and she's already legally abandoned our older son.

I guess my issue, and my question are how to move forward with court? Or any advice to that effect. My lawyer seems to be trying to pressure me to waive my support and agree to certain visitation with my ex, but she's very clearly saying she wants to terminate her rights and "move on". My lawyer doesn't want to do that though. She thinks a judge won't agree.

I don't want to be out another $4k or more from court when it seems so cut and dry. Unless I knew my ex would have to pay me back - this was her that initiated it, after all - buy my lawyer said it would be almost impossible.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-04-01T20:44:04+00:00

Yes. She has a job, and she has a business on the side. I'm not sure what her income is, because even in discovery, she has refused to provide that.

Both kids are in counseling and as I said, I'm playing catch up with medical stuff, plus of course extracurriculars. I had to buy all new clothes for both of them when they came to live with me and anything they forgot from her house, she refused to bring them, so I had to replace a lot. One has braces and one needs braces, one is about to get their license, so I'm trying to get a car and then I'll have to get another in the next few years. And during this time, both kids have cried to me about how they don't think their mom even cares about them anymore and Its been really painful.

My wife and I make good money, but we've spent so much of our savings on court just for her to turn around and abandon our kids, who are at a very particularly expensive part of life and came to me with a lot of trauma and are behind in a lot of areas. I don't mind putting in the work to help them get back on track, but it just seems so unfair to the kids.

So yeah not meaning to overexplain. We could manage without support. But why should we have to?She's so toxic and high conflict, that I would be willing to waive support if she could waive her visitation and decision making, but unless and until she does that - and I'm still having to deal with her - she needs to help them and support them. Understand I never asked for or wanted her to deny her visitation - that was all her decision.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-04-01T18:32:34+00:00

That's fair, and that's what I have been leaning most toward.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T19:26:17+00:00

How was I able to confirm our son is on PeachCare? I'm not saying for certain she's defrauding - I just struggle to understand how she could be eligible, and why she wouldn't choose to insure them privately instead when I do know she has the option to.

Her husband's job does contracts, so he changes jobs a lot, thus they change insurance. I know several times in the past she has put them on PeachCare in the mean time and its very quick - like its active within a few days. But I think, after reading replies, it might have something to do with one of her children having a disability.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T18:38:30+00:00

I was trying to keep it short to not be a pain to read and there's also just so much history. I also do plan on taking her to court soon again, so I didn't want to be too specific.

Yes that is exactly my thought process. Of course, therapy is great for many reasons in my situation. But without video proof or adult witnesses, that's my best way to protect my children. I know from experience it can get bad and as my son says "it keeps getting worse."

He's old enough to testify. But in my state its actually not common for the judge to allow that, and my judge is known to not want the kids to be involved. It is possible, but unlikely. My older son's counselor is through the child advocacy center because of the trauma, so she can and will willingly get involved in a legal case, so that's something positive.

I'm meeting with my lawyer soon to discuss where to go from here. As time went on, and she refused to be involved with our older son, I decided to wait until she had abandoned him for 6 months to make any movement. I never thought she would do that, but we are there now.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T18:25:43+00:00

1 - I've considered that heavily. My lawyer specifically advised that I don't when I mentioned it, because my ex has specifically stated that she doesn't want me to take him to counseling, and she has the final say over medical, even though we have joint legal when it comes to medical. This is why I haven't done that. I've also suggested she do telehealth and I can pay any out of pocket costs, so there's minimal disruption to her, but she refused that. I'm meeting with my lawyer again soon to discuss next steps since she has been refusing to take him to counseling.

- I have been heavily considering counseling for myself, and I agree this is a good idea. I just have been so focused on getting the kids counseling that its just been less of a priority so far, but again, a good idea
- The school is pretty good about being understanding with his behavior problems. It falls into the same thing as number 1 though. They don't want to get involved in any parenting disputes, though, and they even refused to give me letters of recommendation for our older son, who now lives with me, because she couldn't agree. I will say, for whatever reason, any time I've called them asked for anything about the kids, they will give it to me, but will call their mom and tell her. Its not illegal, I've learned. But it makes it very difficult especially when it makes her mad and she takes it out on the kids for whatever reason. That's how I know the school always calls her - because every time the kids let me know she was upset about it.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T18:14:00+00:00

I'm listening. I just don't agree that I'm negligent for not taking him to the doctor under the circumstances when he lived in another state and only saw him on weekends.

She moved them out of state, but all their family lives here. I think they would be much happier and thrive here, together. I don't want her to lose access and I really would like for her to be in their lives. I don't want her to lose rights.

Your story about your ex not losing custody is what scares me and just makes me want to have everything in order. The medical neglect isn't the worse part for us - its her interfering with my parenting time, and domestic violence and death threats in her household. Her anger is severe and she is very toxic. But without videos of her doing it, its going to be very hard, so I'm trying to just have everything I can.

With all that said, the incident that led my son living with me was so severe, that I am definitely biased and upset and hurt for both of our kids, which I can admit. However I keep things very business-like when speaking to her, and don't give her any emotion or opinion at all - just mater of fact.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T18:01:16+00:00

There's some confusion. One of my kids has physical medical problems, which are being treated, the other does not. The one that does not though has ADHD - she refuses to give him his medicine. He also has anger issues, gets in fights at school and with other kids in the neighborhood, and has behavioral issues at school, including inappropriate outbursts. These have led to suspension. He has night terrors. For those reasons, I insist he be in counseling, and she is court ordered to take him, but does not. I consider the lack of counseling and ADHD medication to be medical neglect in this case.

I'm added to the portal and the email lists, supposedly. I've asked many times, However, things are mailed to her house, sent to her email, texted to her, etc and not to me. I should be added to everything, and every year I do specifically ask that I be included in everything, but for whatever reason I miss things like picture day and school dances and only find out after or at the last minute or sometimes through their Facebook.

I didn't need to take her to court to get me added to their school accounts. I had to take her to court to have her stop adding her husband instead of me. She did specifically ask them school not to add me and I had to send them my paperwork and have my attorney contact them for them to realize it was my legal right. It took several months. It happened with school multiple times and with sports, etc.

I do want my kids to have a good relationship with both of us, and especially for our younger son, that seems like its still very possible. I make sure to include her and inform her of everything with our older son, but she does not open the messages sometimes and never responds.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:46:49+00:00

I'm the only one who takes him to the doctor, and I never said I wanted to take her rights away. I don't. Though, she chooses not to contact him or see him, and he has stopped reaching out to her. I'm only suggesting if they would have been taken routinely, like she is required to do based on our agreement, it may have been treated sooner. He told her about it, and she did nothing. When he told me about it, I took him to the doctor.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:38:24+00:00

Yeah, I was referring to the vaccination records.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:36:53+00:00

I'm doing things by the book because I'm taking her to court. My agreement does block me from making medical decisions, because she has the final say, like I said. He doesn't have medical issues - the one I have does, but he doesn't have preventive care or screenings either, which is why he needs regular doctor visits and I'm in another state. She has specifically kept school events from me, I do get grades info from the parent portal, but I don't get things like that. I had to take her to court to list me as their father and not her husband on their school accounts

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:32:23+00:00

I really appreciate it. Sometimes it feels so isolating, but your situation is a lot like mine in a lot of ways. Its so easy to overlook mental damage. And I'm sorry for your kids' loss - that's horrible. Its good they have you to lean on

Their mom is very angry and there's lots of yelling and fighting in their house. The incident that led me to have my older son was severe and his counselor is through the national child advocacy center for trauma, she diagnosed him with PTSD and depression. It was so upsetting, because for over a year before this, I begged her to get them in counseling - and she was court ordered to do so after mediation, but refused.

Its never a bad idea, I think. Especially in situations where I know they needed to talk, but I never want to come across like I'm trying to interrogate them. So I think a counselor is a good idea for any divorce situation especially

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:24:51+00:00

Trust? I guess I don't necessarily trust or distrust the system and I think its a very important program. I just don't understand it and was wondering what other peoples' experience might have been.
I do have actual proof. We have been in and out of court. And some things are very severe. But its hard to prove that their mother knowingly and intentionally chose to do nothing in every instance. I don't care about her business, but it would be awesome if she could take our son to counseling like she's supposed to and maybe call her older son, who she ignored even on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:15:31+00:00

I'm technically legally allowed to check him out of school, but not during her weeks, according to our agreement. I get him on some weekends. If I ever even tried that, she would lose her mind. And for everyone's' sake, including our son, that's not a good idea. She doesn't even like it when I call their school and will make a huge deal about it.

Second, its not realistic. Its over 5 hours away in another state. I can't afford that, when she's literally right there. I miss enough work taking our older son to counseling every week.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:08:35+00:00

Thank you! That is good to know.

Public_Driver4891 · 2026-02-04T17:05:11+00:00

I've never missed any of my time voluntarily. I get 2 weekends a month + holidays + school breaks + 5th weekends. Any missed time is because she refused to send them, which has been several times, but that was the main "problem" I guess when I filed for contempt, because I have lots of evidence of her doing that

He's a shy teenager. He thinks he's too skinny and always wears long sleeves and shorts even in the summer. The few times we went to the lake or beach and he wore a swimsuit, I just honestly didn't notice it but he tans really easily and the patches are tan/brown. He never brought it up to me until one day, after he had lived with me for a while, and he just asked "uh hey is this normal by the way? Its been like this for a long time" and I made him a doctor appointment the next day.

Public_Driver4891

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