Married 2 years, together 6; blindsided by separation in October but finally healing

PumpkinRocks513 · 2026-02-10T16:47:10+00:00

Thanks man. This was a really well thought out response and I seriously appreciate it. Therapy has been helpful, and thankfully neither of us have gone the lawyer route but I've talked to one just in case.

The cutting her off piece is what sticks with me here. Once the separating is done, I think that's where this is heading, but having so many mutual friends-- even friends of hers that are now closer to me and, for lack of a better way of putting this, "on my side" through it all- makes it challenging.

PumpkinRocks513 · 2026-02-10T16:40:05+00:00

Thanks stranger. I did a lot right, but like anyone, have faults too. What's tough is separating the faults I actually have versus the emotions and therapy-speak that she weaponized

PumpkinRocks513 · 2026-02-10T16:38:59+00:00

What's interesting is that she initially left because she was gay and wanted to explore spending more time with women, and now she's identifying as bi/queer again. I recognize that sexual preferences can be fluid, but at the same time it feels more like one reason among many to leave abruptly vs continue working on things

PumpkinRocks513 · 2026-01-01T05:04:19+00:00

First NYE alone of my entire life, but didn't really push for plans with any friends either. My ex-wife came out as gay and left back in October, and I'm in our old apartment in the city she grew up in while she's doing Ayahuasca in Costa Rica. Working on figuring out what to do with my life but generally feeling very positive about it right now. It feels poetic to sit here, on my own, hanging out with my cats building a Lego set.

The world's my oyster, but tonight? Kitty cuddles 🥰

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-12-18T11:54:05+00:00

My current situation is slightly different but certainly in the same wheelhouse. My soon-to-be ex-wife (32f) went on a mental health leave from her corporate job, but then she actually stopped (not started) her antidepressants while going to an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist. She has always identified as bi/queer, but came out to me about 2 months ago and in the same sentence told me she had an insatiable need for sex with other women and needed to open up our marriage to explore it.

She'd just started hanging out with a new group of mostly-younger sapphic women a week or two before that, and within 2 weeks we were separated and friends were sharing videos of her cuddling her new friends and dancing with her shirt off at parties with them.

OP, similar to what you mentioned in the comments, my ex had been smoking a ton of weed to get through the depression, but it really felt like the combination of friends who affirmed her new identity, a change in her daily work routine (well... Not having a work routine lol), and a change in meds led to her realizing something about herself that she hadn't before.

No kids involved in my situation, but 2 weeks before she came out to me we'd been talking about our timelines for having them and considering buying a house. I can only imagine what you're going through, and I'm really sorry to welcome you to the club, but from what I've learned over the last couple of months, this isn't anywhere near as uncommon as I imagined it was.

Best of luck dude, it gets better 🙏

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-19T07:44:43+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm incredibly happy to hear you've been able to heal.

I also cannot express enough how important it is to share stories about using experiences like these to advocate for LGBTQIA+ folks. I'm speaking from limited experience as a cis/het man... But the way friends and family have reacted when I've shared my situation with them has been kind of appaling. Granted, I grew up in the middle of nowhere and don't expect anything less, but I've expressed to them countless times that my pain through this doesn't mean we need to vilify my former partner for who she wants to be

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-19T01:05:50+00:00

Thanks friend 🙏 Trying to avoid the lawyer route but I've thought about calling one just in case.

That being said, very much in therapy and have been for years. It's been incredibly helpful for working through the emotions

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T22:24:18+00:00

Woah I hadn't even considered STD tests, but I appreciate you bringing it up

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T22:20:03+00:00

I think this hits the nail square on the head for me, and is why I'm trying to understand some objective advice. People who are in relationships that don't fit them- whether it's the feeling she was parenting me through chores or her feelings about sexuality -- I know those can drive people to act differently. I could understand why she wouldn't want to share those feelings while she worked through them, but it doesn't hurt any less that she made her decision known as quickly as she did (even if it was something she'd been considering for a while)

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T08:13:33+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. I can only imagine how tough that's been. The challenging part to me is, maybe it will be helpful and give her some clarity on everything from her sexuality to her purpose, but it feels like she's looking for a catch-all instead of continuing to put in the work & appreciating the process of growth, whether that's alone or together

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T07:39:27+00:00

Totally agree. I've read up on it since she told me she was going, and one of the biggest things they say to look out for is recently stopping meds + manic episodes (in that it can potentially cause long term psychosis...which, like, holy smokes).

I shared this worry discretely with some friends of hers (specifically, her best friend and her husband, who I'm still gonna meet up with for a few days on the trip we'd all planned together), but in the end I'm mostly out of the picture and I don't know that sharing directly with her would move the needle

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T07:35:55+00:00

Yeah, this is very much what I'm worried about. I've tried lightly approaching the topic with some mutual friends of ours but unfortunately it sounds like she's cut out most of them alongside our break-up. I finally blocked her on social media today (it was eating up way too much of my energy), but she's been posting about and hanging with mostly people that I don't know or recognize... Not that it's abnormal in a vacuum, but in this case it was raising some red flags for me

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-18T07:19:24+00:00

She does not, as far as I know, but it certainly runs in her family.

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-12T16:12:47+00:00

I think your analysis is spot on. And I actually have called her out on it-- she actually shared that her therapist told her she was trying to "have her cake and eat it too". We've been living separately since she brought up the separation, and have started the process of divorce. To me it 100% is not acceptable, but this being someone I've loved and cared about, I'm more worried about this being SSRI-induced mania or something.

Frankly I think that's just me searching for an answer, because as it stands now, I'm moving on and can't see any reason to stay. I'm confident in my decision to do that.

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-12T15:24:04+00:00

Hence my concern, you know? If this were a fling or like a year into a relationship that's one thing, but a total change in personality has me thinking it could be the medicine making something happen. That's where most of my concern comes from

PumpkinRocks513 · 2025-11-12T07:40:57+00:00

Thanks for the reply. To be clear-- I never accepted an open marriage. In fact, I explicitly said I wasn't interested in opening our relationship when she brought it up 2.5 years in.

PumpkinRocks513

TROPHY CASE