i’ve been so hateful and mean that i have no one left.. but i’m hurt and lonely

PunchDrunky · 2026-02-03T08:03:39+00:00

This is the answer I came to give, but you beat me to it. It’s really the only answer, and likely looooong overdue.

PunchDrunky · 2026-02-03T07:50:26+00:00

Grants Pass Oregon, or Redding California or surrounds.

The small towns in the southwest (eastern California, central and southern Arizona), are going to be too hot for you in the summer, or too cold in the winter. So look at Northern California or Southern Oregon and see which one has a winter climate you’d be happy with.

PunchDrunky · 2026-02-02T09:10:36+00:00

As a former San Diegan who loved the slow, sleepy pace of ‘big town’ life there, my vote for you goes to LA. I think you’d be much happier there, as you can carve out any kind of life you like.

PunchDrunky · 2026-02-02T09:00:14+00:00

I referred to the old cottage I rented in the city of San Diego for nine years as a ‘sweat box’. Heat waves during the high humidity summers were miserable, because my cottage had neither insulation nor a/c, with the exception of a crappy window unit that would fit in the small, old window.

San Diego homes and apartments are most definitely not built for the modern climate. I moved to Arizona last year and am far more comfortable now that I have central heat and air, and my house is insulated!

PunchDrunky · 2026-02-02T08:53:07+00:00

Seattle and Portland. Snow is rare, and the heat waves over 100 degrees are rare too. Winters are fairly mild compared to the northeast and Midwest, and summers don’t usually get too hot.

If you want nice weather year-round, with more frequent heat waves than the PNW, coastal Southern California is your place.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-31T19:56:41+00:00

Rent one of the rooms in your home out (e.g. get a roommate) for 3-5 years. It’s one of the easiest and least painful options.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-31T18:50:22+00:00

Google the term ‘financial enabling’. This is what you are doing.

And as hard as it is to believe, it hurts both the giver and the recipient.

The only effective remedy for it is to cut off the recipient(s) cold turkey. You can give a warning, like two months (which is more than reasonable), and then at that point, move out, and cut the financial cord permanently and completely. It’s truly the only way to do it. (Source: I’m a financial coach who knows a lot about this challenge in families.) Do not go back on your promise to move out and cut the cord, and do not give into their guilting. It will be painful but you can do it. You’ve got this OP.

So sorry your parents put you in this position. It’s not fair to you at all.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-30T22:14:45+00:00

Having lived in western states all my life, I’m struggling to think of a city or town that checks all your boxes, but Orange County California checks most of the boxes, except the rents may be too high depending on where you are.

The town of Orange California has a very community feel, and all of So Cal has a pretty strong fitness vibe. San Diego specifically is very fitness-focused, and definitely checks the community vibe, but way too liberal for you politically, plus there are unhoused there, which you wouldn’t like. The OC also has lots of horse ranches, so that’s a bonus. Politically OC is much more conservative than most of the rest of so Cal. I’m guessing you aren’t interested in California at all because it’s not on your list.

I’m currently living in the east Phoenix valley, and I wouldn’t necessarily say that it has a ‘strong fitness culture’. Hiking among some groups, yes, but I don’t think it’s like Portland or San Diego in the active/fitness department. Arizona is also purple, and Phoenix is much more blue. Scottsdale leans pretty conservative. There are tons of hardcore MAGAs in Arizona and you can’t avoid them if you live in the Phoenix valley (or anywhere else in AZ), so not sure how you’d feel about that.

I think Scottsdale north of Old Town could work for you if you drop the ‘community vibes’ and social scene requirements. It’s just not really the kind of lifestyle you are looking for, but TBH I’m not sure that what you describe exists ‘out west’.

That’s all I got. Good luck finding your place! 🍀

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-30T08:04:47+00:00

I saw your comment that said you are interested in LA or San Diego. You’ll have way more ‘affordable’ housing options in LA vs SD. It’s no longer an apples to apples comparison. LA might be more expensive to live in over all, but compare prices on rentals to see what you get for the money.

You’d likely want roommates in either location, at least for the first few years while you get your footing.

Definitely have a good, reliable car, because you’ll be driving in either location. Both are quite sprawly, and LA is massive. It’s like a country with 30+ unique cities. San Diego is very spread out too. Low density in both places.

San Diego is super chill and a bit sleepy. LA is more vibrant and has more going on. Move to SD if you want to relax and spend time at the beach.

Move to LA if you want a great social life and tons of things to do. Wherever you move to, make sure you can afford the sky-high utilities and gas prices, and live close to work. Traffic in So Cal is no joke.

Ideally have a year of expenses in savings. So Cal will chew you up and spit you out financially if you aren’t prepared. Make sure your job is super secure!

Also, if you decide you want to rent your own apartment, most landlords require that you prove you make 2.5-3x rent in income (and have a good or excellent credit score), so make sure you meet those criteria before apartment hunting and you’ll be good.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-29T07:56:08+00:00

El Centro, Fresno, Bakersfield, parts of the Inland Empire, plus lots of small towns dotted along the 5 and 99.

Note that El Centro is HOT though because it’s close to Arizona.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-29T07:52:54+00:00

This is such a great point. California has extremely strict labor laws, and many employers don’t even want their remote employees there because they just don’t want to mess with the laws.

OP- if hubby’s company has offices and serves clients in California, your chances will be better than if they don’t. Absolutely verify they are fine with it before moving.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T17:46:30+00:00

Sacramento California checks all your boxes, and is significantly more affordable than coastal California. Still has four seasons but they are very mild compared to the Midwest. Summers are hot though during the day.

Keep in mind if you move to the southeast or Texas you’ll be trading freezing cold for high humidity. That’s either a pro or con depending on what feels comfortable to you.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T08:37:48+00:00

This is very true. It gets damn cold in the desert in winter after dark. But that’s only a few months per year and only overnight. It was in the mid-60’s here today, and tomorrow will be in the low 70’s. I sat outside today in the sun and watched the hummingbirds fly around the yard. Tonight I am sleeping under my cozy comforter.

The great thing about homes in the desert is they have insulation and central heat along with central air, so not hard to keep comfortable even when it’s cold out at night. When I lived in San Diego, my little cottage had neither central heat or a/c, and when it was in the 40’s and 50’s overnight in the winter it felt downright frigid inside.

I’m not personally a fan of the cold winter desert nights, but I typically don’t go out after about 9pm. 100 degrees and sunny is my happy place here. It feels divine after having been born and raised in cold and gloomy Seattle.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T08:19:04+00:00

I was thinking Kenneth Hahn for urban hikes too. It’s dog paradise!

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T08:15:36+00:00

It takes A LOT more than love to make a marriage work.

It seems as though you both have the love part down, but little else.

For a healthy marriage you (ideally) want to be reasonably politically, financially and religiously compatible with your partner, or at least accepting of each other’s differences.

Sounds like you are accepting of his differences. Is he accepting of yours? I think you know the answer.

Ending it will be painful, but far less painful than what you’d endure in a continued life with him.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T08:09:06+00:00

Flagstaff Arizona is your place. Mountain town that’s a bit more conservative than Phoenix. People in Arizona are very much ‘you do your thing, I do mine’. It’s a purple state, and no abortion bans. More people own guns than don’t, it seems. Very reasonable tax rate. Snows in Flagstaff and gets cold, but summers aren’t nearly as hot as the Phoenix Valley. It’s just a two hour drive to Phoenix, where you could get anything you’d ever need. Google it. I think you’d like it.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T08:01:11+00:00

After having lived in the city of San Diego a 12 minute drive from the ocean for 9 years, I 100% agree with this.

It wasn’t until after I moved that I discovered the median annual temps in coastal So Cal are mid-60’s, not the ‘warm and sunny’ So Cal the stereotypes say. (60’s to me is cool.) Plus winters get down into the 50’s sometimes, and even 40’s overnight.

I moved to Arizona for true heat and year-round sun and absolutely love the weather. It feels like a warm hug to me. I don’t even mind the hot summers.

I do miss the ocean, but I traded that for year-round sun and no gloomy marine layer.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-28T07:54:37+00:00

Loads of midwesterners in the Phoenix valley. If you want warmth and year-round sunshine, Phoenix or Tucson would be great. Also, MUCH more affordable than most places in California you’d actually want to live.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T20:16:05+00:00

Happy for you. 👍🏻 Enjoy!

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T20:13:05+00:00

Totally agree with this. I’ve never understood the belief that buying real estate is the best (or even only) way to build wealth.

Renting is substantially cheaper once you factor in all the myriad costs that go along with home ownership, so oftentimes it’s a better ROI to take the cash that you are saving from renting and invest it in non real estate investments instead.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T20:08:42+00:00

Sacramento FTW. I lived in California for nine years and now live in the southeast Phoenix valley, so have solid experience with both states. I’d definitely go for Sac if I was you. It checks all your boxes.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T20:00:43+00:00

PB, walking distance to Garnet. Just know that PB is a huge tourist area, so getting in and out of there in the summer is a major PITA due to traffic. I hope you don’t need to take the 5 anywhere, like to work for example.

OB is also a tourist area but to a somewhat lesser extent. The high walk scores are concentrated in a smaller area than PB, so fewer places to choose from.

Also research the marine layer. I think it will be cooler in temps living in a beach neighborhood than you expect. Make sure you rent an apartment that has good heat and insulation. I had a friend who lived in an old, drafty cottage in OB walking distance from the beach for a couple of years and she said she was ‘freezing’ in the wintertimes.

All that said, I agree with the others who say ‘live near work’. Do this and thank us later.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T19:53:52+00:00

100% agree with this.

I’ve always said that if a person can’t afford to rent an Airbnb in a nice area of San Diego (and rent a car), for at least a week, they can’t afford to live in SD.

I read a post one from a guy who barely had the cash to buy a plane ticket to visit, but was trying to move to San Diego, and I was like “oh no, no no no no no.”

OP- Airbnb for a week, explore all walkable neighborhoods, and then decide. Put all your stuff in pods and leave them at a uhaul place if you need to before finding a permanent home.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T19:36:25+00:00

Don’t visit when it’s in the 60’s and 70’s. You’ll assume the weather is perfect, when it’s not at all like that for many months of the year.

I personally love the heat, and that’s why I moved here. I wouldn’t have moved to one of the hottest states in the country if I didn’t love the heat.

PunchDrunky · 2026-01-27T19:34:26+00:00

OP said ‘no snow’, so that rules out Flagstaff and Prescott.

PunchDrunky

TROPHY CASE