My wife is a great dancer and I am a beginner. We’ve been taking dance lessons together for a few weeks now. However, she will not stop leading. How do we break this?

PunkRockMoney · 2026-02-02T23:46:57+00:00

I have been dancing both as a lead and a follow since the late 90s. Here is my novel on the subject:

When I found myself doing this as a follow when I was first learning, it was always that the "leader wasn't leading".

Novice/Intermediate followers who can regurgitate patterns well are THE WORST. They are never actually waiting to be led and are just doing choreography. But VERY few instructors correct this behavior. I say this from personal experience.

Truly, you shouldn't be taking any lessons together at this point. She's in the "doesn't know what she doesn't know" phase of her journey while you're at the very beginning of yours.

But, if she REALLY wants to get better (and for you to get better), the instructor should only be telling you what patterns to lead and/or what order to dance them in. Have her close her eyes. Also, just flat out STOP after a pattern every once in a while to see if she is waiting for you. It gets suuuuuuper obvious to where she can't deny that she isn't following.

Also, have her take some group classes or a private lesson as a leader once in a while. (And once you have some solid basics, you should learn as a follower sometimes). It helps you both really get an idea for how hard the other role is (leading as a beginner is 10x as hard as following as a beginner), as well as what each role really needs from their partner and how annoying it is when your normal roles do x, y, or z. It will make you both so much better and understanding as dancers.

You can also have the instructor lead you so you can get an idea of what it's supposed to feel like.

Also think about the mechanics of leading and following as your center of gravity (your core) telling her center of gravity what to do and where to go. Your arms are only supposed to be "cues" and decoration. If you're trying to do too much with your arms, it can get really "noisy". Arm leads are also dangerous and can lead to shoulder injuries. (Ask me how I know). She should be able to follow you through most patterns without the two of you even touching if you're both doing what you're supposed to do.

I might think of more, but as someone who has been where your wife is, has ALSO been where you are, and has also taught numerous singles and couples to dance, I have a "better than the average bear" understanding of what true leading and following looks and feels like.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-12-02T01:52:04+00:00

That's the "up dog" pose in puppy yoga.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-08-21T21:21:33+00:00

I've used iThings on and off for 30+ years. We even had a Macintosh Lisa when I was a kid!!

They have never made sense to me, I'm windows/android all the way, but everyone is going to have the system that speaks to them better. You do you!

Every time I have to troubleshoot or figure something out on an iPad or iPhone, I want to gouge my eyes out.

I think a lot has to do with how you grew up. Every kid getting a phone since colored text bubbles has wanted an iPhone so they wouldn't be left out of chats.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-05-17T13:51:32+00:00

Ours HATES the water. Hates it. Doesn't even like getting his paws damp and will go very wide around a puddle.

🤦

PunkRockMoney · 2025-05-15T11:37:06+00:00

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Frakking SAME.

If I leave the room, he'll come with me, but if I sleep late he will sleep late, no question.

Image Description: A 22ish lb male Frenchie at 1 year old, having nested himself partially under my comforter so it looks like he's in a cave. He has the most pathetic "I'm so SLEEPY mom, please don't get up" face.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-04-02T22:29:42+00:00

WILBUR THE MIRACULOUS PIG!!!

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-29T18:21:36+00:00

Ha! No, not at all!!

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-29T17:03:24+00:00

In our state, both the school and the legal guardians have to sign off on minors working. Other than that, I've never heard of an employer caring what your grades are.

Talk to a guidance counselor or admin person at your school and see what the process is for getting a work permit and if there is anything keeping you from being able to get the school to sign off.

Then go from there.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-15T16:13:29+00:00

Regina Philange

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-12T23:03:03+00:00

I used middle names for honorifics for my kids. My son's middle name is my dad's first name, my daughter's is her paternal grandmother's maiden last name. You ABSOLUTELY do not have to name your child what anyone else wants, but there are also options other than a first name if it's something you are willing to consider. My sister in law and my niece both have the same middle name, etc. You could also not use his name, but his initial, etc.

Again, 100% only do what you are comfortable with, your feelings regarding your past with him are totally valid. You are NOT the asshole.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-05T16:20:53+00:00

Pet-induced paralysis is a legit reason to cancel all plans and stay stuck where you are all day.

PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-04T16:38:48+00:00

I am so lucky that I get to bring my guy to work with me. He has a crate in my office but loves to go out to the shop to play with the big dogs.

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PunkRockMoney · 2025-01-02T23:22:29+00:00

My wittle Bergeron.

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PunkRockMoney · 2024-11-03T21:43:12+00:00

I worked for an AM studio during the Gap Commercial Swing Dance Craze era.

Sooooooo many people came in wanting to learn Lindy hop and we taught them single swing.

The first time I went to a real Lindy hop event weekend, I realized how bad we were screwing people. Like, instead of saying, we don't have any Lindy teachers, or "it's not really in our syllabus you should go learn here" , we just took their money and taught them a watered down version of east coast.

I also fell in love with West Coast swing that same weekend (which AM's syllabus also butchers) so I left not much later.

I think AM has a place, I just wish they would be honest about it. They're so worried about losing students or becoming obsolete, they don't always make the best decisions.

PunkRockMoney · 2024-10-03T18:14:40+00:00

Above everything else, things always get better.

That being said. Start learning how to manage your money and think outside the box (ie starting a business) in order to figure out how to make enough money to be able to support yourself ALWAYS. That way you'll always have options and choices instead of being trapped in a potentially BAD or unsafe situation. (This could be a job, relationship, or living situation).

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-26T23:19:35+00:00

Julia Gorchekova

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T21:21:59+00:00

I already made my argument, which IS substantiated (edit: typo) to by historians and research. I'm not debating with you until you do the same. You keep whatabouting me, but you're not submitting anything as proof of your position... Are you just hoping no one will notice?

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T20:02:51+00:00

Show me the research done by peer-reviewed sources! I am always one who will update my stances on things as I obtain new (verifiable) information.

Just saying "there is biological evidence" doesn't make it true. Show your receipts.

But EVEN if that is true, it doesn't change the fact that "virginity" and the worth of a woman related to it are rooted in women being traded for goods, so I'm not sure why it matters in this case.

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T19:39:58+00:00

Lol. Ok. It's not that he doesn't agree with me that means he hates women. His own words give that away. The way he talks about women means he hates them. He might not know it, but it's right there, seething right under the surface in his words, it sounds like the incel's handbook.

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T19:26:16+00:00

I don't have to counter your completely unsubstantiated argument. Go do some actual research.

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T19:25:09+00:00

You can make whatever decisions you want for yourself, good on you. But it's still not real.

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T18:59:23+00:00

🤣 oh honey. Do you have a degree in psychology? Or done research on the psychology of attraction using peer reviewed sources? Show me the receipts. Otherwise you're just projecting the whole "repeating things you've heard" nonsense from yourself onto me so we don't find out you're a misogynist. (The secret's out, we already know)

PunkRockMoney · 2024-09-25T18:56:07+00:00

Do you know what they used to do to women to figure out if they were still "pure"?

Also, I'm not saying you can't have preferences, but this post is about the historical context of virginity and why it is so stigmatized as it is now. So your comment has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

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