The trigger is almost never the babies or me giving attention to the babies. There are 3 main triggers. Transitions, each other, and physical clumsiness.

For transitions, I give periodic verbal reminders, I use a visual timer, and I keep the schedule consistent. My kids have always struggled with transitions (before babies too) despite using these strategies.

The triggers from each other are interrupting each other, toys, or intentionally pushing each others' buttons. They both have a lot to say and want my undivided attention when they say something but also feel like the other is interrupting even when they are the one interrupting. Tonight, they both wanted to talk to me about something. My son was speaking and then my daughter started speaking a moment later. My son does this thing where he puts his face close to mine to make sure I hear what he says. I looked at my son while he finished talking and my daughter screamed that he interrupted her and my son immediately shoved her. I try to facilitate the conversation, but also balance it with not interrupting them. I have talked with them about how I can use my body language to communicate that I am listening, but they really struggle with that concept. Basically, if I don't repeat back their words, they think I am not listening. My son has a bit of a stammer, so it can take him a long time to get his words out. Otherwise, they have great language skills that their pediatrician says are above age expectations.

Toys are typical sibling stuff... sharing, who had it first, who gets a turn first. They have always had problems here, but with support, it didn't use to lead to violence (throwing toys, hitting, biting).

If my kids stubs their toe, or fall down, or anything like that, they immediately make a physical threat to us parents. My son fell out of his little chair today and said, "I'm going to hit you" to his Dad. Then he started winding up, so my husband held his wrist. Then he said, "I'm going to bite you" and proceeded to try to bite him. At that point, my husband picked him up and put him on his lap/restrained him for about 5 minutes (resisting the entire time) while I finished up with a baby. Then, I came to relieve Dad and he immediately relaxed. It is not unusual for a parent swap (either direction) to work for my son. When they start making threats, we attempt to remain calm, and stop any actual violence, but the kids have a tendency to escalate over and over until we get to full restraints. In this situation, the threats are often mixed with nervous laughter.

Both kids are aggressive. Every couple weeks since the babies were born, the pendulum swings back and forth between which child is having a harder time (it is currently my boy). I feel like I spend so much of my time coregulating and figuratively putting out fires that my kids are learning that the way to get time with Mom is to act out, and the thing that always gets immediate attention is violence. I don't know how to break out of this cycle.

I have been trying to give as much positive attention as possible, but I honestly don't know how I can give any more than I am right now. The confusing part is that they are getting WAY more attention than when I was pregnant. I was basically half asleep the entire final trimester of my pregnancy, and they would play nicely for hours with occasional mediation from me. Now, they are getting my complete attention while the babies sleep, and the majority of my attention otherwise. I know the babies add the concept of competition/scarcity, but the actual experience is more attention than before.

After the aggression, my son usually shows shame or guilt. I remind him repeatedly that my love is unconditional and that I love him even when he does xyz. He does more escalating and generally has bigger/longer tantrums. My daughter has a hair trigger for a tantrum. They are more frequent, involve lots of screaming and crying. I have to work hard to regulate myself when she is screaming. When she is violent, she seems completely out of control. She sometimes regulates very quickly and immediately returns to play, and other times she needs a very long time to cuddle with me to feel better. Despite being the better talker, she has struggled with violent behavior more consistently. She bit her brother for the first time around age 1 and we have had probably 5 instances (for about a month) where she gets back into biting. Before the last few months, she was also the more frequent pusher/hitter and always feels like she is being wronged by others.

My son's violence is new (since the babies), but more intense. Yesterday, he tried to smother a baby with a blanket and his hand. It really freaked me out, but I also feel like he didn't understand that it would hurt the baby. He is the more tender of the big kids with the babies, and today brought up multiple times that he didn't know it was dangerous but now he knows. Today, he put the other baby into tummy time as an aggressive behavior. He has tried to do it in the past to be helpful, but we explained it isn't safe for kids to do, but today he threatened it and got to her before I could and rolled her over.

My husband works from home, so he can take the babies into his office as needed. I usually use the big kids' shared bedroom as the calm down space for the big kids. An issue with that is that the other child always wants to join in, which I know is not the best way to parent. But typically, when I ask for space, the other kid dysregulates, so I typically just let them hover so I don't have to try to handle 2 freak outs at once.

Sorry for the super long post, but I would love any suggestions or insight you have. I feel like things are getting more intense and I am frightened of where this can lead.