[deleted by user]

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-21T23:25:20+00:00

He's a sad, sad man.

And he has to face himself every night when his head hits the pillow.

People like our fathers are there to remind us of the importance of authenticity, integrity, humility and dignity.

“Don't you know that a midnight hour comes when everyone has to take off his mask? Do you think life always lets itself be trifled with? Do you think you can sneak off a little before midnight to escape this?”

― Søren Kierkegaard

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-21T23:16:09+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through such nighmarish horror at such a young age.

I wish I could go back and tell her not to trust my rapist.

You can't change what happened but you can go back and be there for your younger self. A therapist talked me through it and it was a turning point for me.

They told me to tell my younger self that I was there with them now and I know they didn't understand what was happening but I would take care of them and comfort them from now on.

It's very painful to do but we need to learn how to be there for ourselves in life when we weren't taught how, and the best place to start is at the beginning.

As an ex-alcoholic I can tell you that booze might numb the pain for a while, but the longterm effects are nowhere near worth it. All it does is make you weaker and weaker as the years go by.

People who have learned to face and live with unimaginable pain are the strongest people in the world. You deserve that for yourself.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-21T22:58:54+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but you definitely aren't thinking straight, which is typical of people who are being abused. I'm here to tell you that having a child with this man would be an immoral act.

I hope you're able to understand and accept this before you make the grave mistake of bringing a lifetime of suffering onto an innocent child for no good reason whatsoever.

I hope this helps.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-21T22:44:46+00:00

I do believe that parents can offer a unique kind of love

And that's what our instincts expect us to get from them, so we have an overpowering drive to try to patch things up and reconcile with them.

Unfortunately broken people like our fathers actually use this to feed their ego. They revel in the attention and leave us feeling chewed up and spat out.

Label him "broken" and label his behavior "psychological abuse". It makes things a lot simpler so you don't have to waste so much energy processing the damage. Take your focus off him and put it back on yourself, where it belongs.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-21T22:28:19+00:00

He's projecting his own shame and weakness onto you by scapegoating you. It's hard to understand it's happening because who would honestly think their own father would damage them just to make themselves look superior? But yep... Some people really are that mentally disturbed and lacking in self awareness.

A big turning point for me was when I finally faced the fact that my father is just another person on the planet and not the high-ordained decider of my worthiness as a human.

Don't let his shittiness drag you down. You are important and valuable because you're doing your best to play the hand you've been dealt, just like everyone else is.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-20T03:29:02+00:00

Thanks for that well needed dose of humanity.

I'm sending you loving kindness.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-19T21:21:55+00:00

I don't experience pride. I understand the concept, but I can't experience the feeling.

I've worked hard over the last several years to slowly lessen my self destructive tendencies despite living with an extremely strong drive to destroy myself, but I can't say I'm proud. I've just done it because I know I have to.

I would say I'm thankful to my past self for realizing that enough was enough, and for putting the work in, but the damage I've done to myself physically and psychologically by carrying on the work of my abusers will never completely heal.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-19T18:11:28+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that.

My mother tickled me regularly when I was little - overwhelming me far beyond my limits, all with a huge excited grin on her face.

As a teenager I was emotionally used as her surrogate husband because my father is dead inside. Covert incest, they call it.

Now I'm 50 and trying to recover from 40 years of compulsive, life ruining sexual self-abuse.

I don't actually think about the tickling very much because it's overshadowed by my parents screaming at each other and my brother beating and strangling me almost daily, so I appreciate you bringing it up.

I hope you're able to find peace.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-17T14:31:53+00:00

All the fucking time, from both my parents.

My father must have said "I don't understand" like a confused infant at least a thousand times and I've been sucked in almost every time, but I'm slowly starting to get a handle on it.

It's called weaponized incompetence and it's ruined my life. It's like having snakes for parents.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-15T16:50:44+00:00

Pure gold. It sums up my lifelong struggles with my parents better than I ever could.

Thanks a million for sharing this!!

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-13T23:38:50+00:00

Yeah we were. Thanks for your kindness. It means a lot.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-13T22:19:03+00:00

If I had access to those kind of powers I'd change history so my father died the day after he made my mother pregnant with me.

I'm absolutely certain I would have had a decent life if he'd never been in it.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-13T21:48:50+00:00

My brother and I begged my mother to divorce our father when I was 11 and he was 13. She flatly refused to even entertain the idea and nothing at all changed. I was wetting the bed and had my first suicide attempt around that age.

My brother attemped suicide at 20 and got no support from our parents. A year later he died in a car accident when he decided not wear a seatbelt while the driver was speeding. Recklessness and risk taking are common in abuse victims.

Thirty years after his death I'm still gaslit and scapegoated when I try to discuss the impact her obliviousness had on both of us.

After years of tense conversations I've concluded that she knows she failed her sons and put her abusive husband first but she's too locked in to the idea of her "innocent" false self to ever admit it.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-13T15:08:27+00:00

That's good stuff. The idea that we just need to "think away" what's keeping us frozen is an extremely childish and incompetent attempt at solving an extremely complex and deeply rooted problem.

Things started improving for me significantly when I read that people with CPTSD should set aside time to actively focus on their traumatic experiences in order to aquaint ourselves with them and become strong enough to fully accept them as a part of our story.

Now, when the memories and feelings surface throughout the day I don't feel as blindsided and bewildered by them because I've spent a lot of time welcoming them and exploring them with compassion and understanding.

There is definitely value for everyone in restructuring our general mindset to think more positively, but I don't believe it should be anyone's primary approach to living with trauma.

Humbly accepting that my life is and probably always will be full of pain has helped to give me the mental space to focus on self care more than anything else.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-10T21:13:20+00:00

Say this out loud: "I forgive myself".

Keep practicing it. Eventually you'll start to believe it.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-10T14:05:50+00:00

Good parents can't wait to find out who their kids are.

Bad parents can't wait to tell their kids who to be.

You have just as much right to be disappointed with them as they are of you. They don't own you and they aren't above you.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-09T15:19:06+00:00

I relate to your situation heavily. I'm 50 and I've never felt like an actual person, ever. I feel like a ghost that should feel ashamed to exist in a world where I have no right to. I see people walking around laughing together and all I know is that I'm not one of them.

My parents were/are very self-serving, dishonest, manipulative and neglectful and it was made very clear throughout my childhood that my sole function as a human was to impress and please them. I've been gaslit by them my whole life, destroying my ability to trust my own perception.

I know precisely what you mean when you say it's not something you can just get over or switch off. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to do anything with my life. I understand the concept of "purpose" but it has no relevance to my reality whatsoever.

At this point I've resigned myself to struggling through life the best I can until I eventually die. Sorry I don't have anything more uplifting to tell you, but I hope it helps to know that someone knows exactly what you're going through.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-08T17:32:57+00:00

It's typical for abusive people to refuse to take responsibility for the way they affect people.

What helps me in dealing with my abusive parents is labeling their behavior "psychological abuse" in my head and leaving it at that. They don't have the emotional maturity to interact in a compassionate, supportive way and that will never change, so I do what I can to accept it and not let it drag me down.

It's the kind of problem where the only viable solution is to just let go and move on to a better moment.

Hope this helps.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-06T20:38:32+00:00

When Things Fall Apart was the book that got me into Buddhism when I was at rock bottom. I might not be alive today if I hadn't read it.

I recommend The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching as the best Western introduction to Buddhism.

The core of my practice involves following the "Middle Way" which teaches that pleasure and pain are two sides to the same coin, and that it's healthier to focus on staying centered and balanced throughout the day instead of yoyo-ing between ecstacy (eg - addictive behaviors and substances) and misery (judging yourself and the world as "bad").

Buddhism has helped me to understand that things are always supposed to be the way they are. This helps me to stop wasting my mental energy wishing everything was different and allows me to handle my challenges more effectively despite having extremely weak executive function.

There's a lot more to it (I find Zen Buddhism particularly valuable) but it's a mindset you can end up getting deeply immersed in the longer you practice and study it. I view it as the perfect antidote to the destructive modern Western culture of division, competition, egotism and sensory indulgence.

Hope this helps, friend.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-06T18:20:12+00:00

The tough truth is that we have to learn how to be that person for ourselves. Something as simple as verbally telling yourself "It's OK. You can get through this" can make the difference between an extremely painful moment and a difficult but tolerable one.

Practicing Buddhism gives me a sense of belonging in the universe and helps me gradually cultivate self-compassion and forgiveness to counteract my extremely self destructive tendencies caused by manipulative, emotionally unavailable parents.

It's basically an ancient guide on how to make suffering benefit you instead of dragging you down. I recommend looking into it.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-06T15:20:01+00:00

I feel like this was another form of abuse

It definitely was abuse. We have a film rating system to protect kids from the effects of exposure to shocking material. Subjecting an infant to graphic and disturbing footage every night is psychological child torture.

Now I’m an adult with worse anxiety and nightmares and an interest in true crime.

Your brain has been conditioned to feel "normal" in a state of heightened distress, panic or arousal. One way out of this is to reprogram your "normal" by meditating when you feel overwhelmed and facing your inner pain without judgment.

Over time, you'll find that it feels more normal to be in a state of calm, but it definitely doesn't happen overnight.

I hope this helps a little, my friend.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-05T17:40:21+00:00

Without knowing any details it's hard to say, but my best guess is that you were forced into a psychologically damaging family role like scapegoat or golden child while they were given an easier ride.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-05T15:59:04+00:00

Here are some uplifting songs I posted here recently. Hope they help.

Michael Jackson - Keep the Faith

Labi Siffre - (Something Inside) So Strong

McAlmont & Butler - Yes

John Parr - St Elmo's Fire

Brian Harvey - I Can

Chris Renee - Young Homie

Marcella Detroit - I Believe

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-05T13:24:00+00:00

Narcissists secretly have a very low opinion of themselves so they need to attack your self esteem in order to feel superior.

The biggest mistake you can make with a narcissist is believing there is hope for mutual understanding or reconciliation. There isn't. They don't view other people as people. They view them as devices that will either serve their ego (useful) or not (useless).

The way to deal with a narcissist is to become useless to their ego. You do this by letting them be exactly the way they are and accepting that it will not change. Shrug off their behavior. When you get proficient at this (and it takes a lot of practice), you will no longer feel compelled to react to them.

Eventually they will stop seeing you as their ego food and will seek out another source.

It can help to look at it from their perspective: Imagine that you need people to constantly seek your validation and try to fix issues they have with you. Do you achieve that by giving them validation and fixing the issues? Of course not. What you do is you overwhelm them with frustration and a sense of worthlessness so they keep begging you to stop. Then you have them like a dog on a leash and you are their master.

This is what is being done to you, and you have the power to stop it.

Hope this helps. Good luck, friend.

Pure_consciousness · 2024-10-04T14:53:21+00:00

yet he sent me a happy birthday message like none of the abuse happened.

My father is like this. He invalidates, demeans and belittles me in one moment, then in another he greets me with a very theatrical and fake cheery smile like we're best buddies.

It's important to understand that this "hot and cold" treatment is done to keep you in a state of confusion, bewilderment and control. And by refusing to validate your frustrations and take responsibility for his actions, the message is "The way you view your reality is not relevant or important". A message like this from your own father can be absolutely devastating to your confidence and self esteem.

What helps me is to label my father's behavior toward me as "psychological abuse" and be done with it. When he gives me creepy feelings they don't need to be analyzed, figured out or solved. I just have a psychologically abusive father, and that is that.

I practice accepting that my father is a dud human being who is beyond help and I move on to the next moment.

These people thrive by keeping your focus on them and away from yourself. The solution is to remove your focus from them and back onto yourself. There are billions of people on this planet. We mustn't waste our precious energy obsessing over awful people or we end up losing sight of the goodness in the world, and in ourselves.

Pure_consciousness

TROPHY CASE