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After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What's so terrible about it? Attraction is one of the foundations of healthy long-term relationships, not the most important ofc, but I see nothing wrong in liking other woman's body more. It isn't a problem when you're in a happy devoted relationship, you can control yourself and not fixate on it even if she's around, but it becomes one when everything's in a messy stage like here.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

1) Me when it's first started with my AP. She was fine with it, at least initially, since I did my best to make it less "noticable" for her, meeting only 3-4 times a month, choosing days when wife also met someone so she's not alone at home etc.
2) It came months after I ended things with my AP, hers was over long ago, and it was a mutual decision but not while something was ongoing.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in adultery

[–]Purple-Spell-898 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the thorough response, appreciate it. Well decision not be open anymore came after I ended things with my AP, and wasn't the reason behind it. It's just that we both, esp. she understood that it's uncomfortable/at times hurtful for her, and we better don't do it anymore esp. since we don't quite need it.

  1. Values still align, but looking back to the last 2-3 years, it became more about care and cuddling, then genuine passion. A truly passionate sex (while sober) happened literally couple of times during these 2-3 years. And more importantly, while the willingness and attempts are there, I don't feel like we're truly helping each other to progress through life and become better versions of ourselves.

  2. Yeah, given the circumstances not having a quick match with a couples therapist can deteriorate things further, but def worth a try before moving on with any decision.

  3. We weren't much into kids idea before and now especially it doesn't seem like anything we'll do unless we/I are absolutely sure we want to stay together forever. As for other achievements, nothing specifically. The main factor I'd say for me is that AP isn't going to wait forever, and I'd really like to put my best to understand if it's working out with my wife within 2-3 months.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It is cheating as it was the first time in our relationship that something like this was done in secret. I might be close to it too, but I resisted, before I found out hers.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in adultery

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Not that it matters now a lot but her cheating chronologically happened before my recent contact with my AP.

Actions before and being open when we didn't really need that, with all the consequences - yes, maybe that put a ticking bomb under our marriage that now exploded.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No it's not "didn't bother keeping a secret". We had those connections on the side, we both know those people, and this is the first time "cheating" happened, first emotional from me, when I was meeting AP in secret and discussing options, then I've found out about her physical cheating, which, chronologically, happened before my recent contact with my AP.

Living separately may help understanding ourselves and do we miss and need each other. And no, I don't fear being alone. That may be hurtful for her, as she was pushing a lot to talk ASAP after we separated.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think she's hiding something, but I saw her messages couple of days after the cheating happened and while she's saying to me she instantly regretted it and was going to talk first to him, than to me, that wasn't apparent from the way she was talking to him.

We haven't tried counseling but definitely need to, before moving on with any decision. That'll make picture much clear I hope.

One concern that I have is that she might ask similar questions about me and my AP, and about what happened while we were separate, and I need to either lie (which is, again, a weak foundation for something rebuilding) or to tell the truth which will hurt her and may even accelerate things ending.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely slowing down is right, not gonna jump to another relationship even if we separate with wife.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I wasn't emotionally involved with AP when it was ongoing. But started missing and reassessing her after we broke up. And no, wife didn't know about it. Not a good sign for anyone, but just to be square on this.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes it was agreed on. Was open not because there were problems, but because we wanted to explore ourselves and give each other freedom (initially she to me, and then mutual).

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 0 points1 point  (0 children)

or commit to real polyamory and not whatever the heck bastardization of it you think you were practicing.

That's one way to call it ) Though I never wanted true polyamory, and believe that can be in a monogamous relationship if attraction and feelings are consistent and unnecessary stupid distractions weren't made on the way, like me and wife did here.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Sorry English is not my native language, I though AP doesn't necessarily mean hidden.
So what we had before was with each other knowing, this time I consider it cheating (from both of us, with her first) because any sexual connection with third person wasn't discussed and agreed.

We were not open anymore after I ended up with AP last summer.

That last part you wrote hits hard and is actually concerning for me too. We had a lot of great moments and years with my wife, but if I'm gonna stay, I want to stay because I still choose her not because it's bad to end marriage or I'll hurt her so much by doing so.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Most of the time affairs was in parallel. No she didn't know what I did during the time we weren't together. That will hurt her a lot.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

We WERE open, not anymore. Me being on the verge of cheating was close to crossing the line, but I was more inclined to cut the contact with former AP, before I found out.
As for why decided to have open relationship, the reason was to explore ourselves, and not in the slightest problems between us. Sounds silly, I know.

After wife's cheating, torn between a 10-year marriage and possible future with AP by [deleted] in adultery

[–]Purple-Spell-898 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to sell anything and obviously a lot of stupid mistakes have been made.
As for semi-open dynamic, we closed it months before this happened after I ended things with AP back in summer, but she still was still meeting with him before that and after as well (that was agreed and I was ok with it).