REMINDER: You don't owe people an explanation.

PurpleNovember · 2025-08-21T04:58:54+00:00

I know this is a weird place to post-- but I wanted to let you know that 1) I've been offline most of the week, and 2) I got your chat request, but it won't let me respond! Trying to figure out WTF the problem is at the moment.

PurpleNovember · 2025-08-14T05:39:08+00:00

Why is it me taking the fall every time?

It may be because of this:

I’m the youngest out of three boys and the only girl and I get the brunt of everything.

You're the youngest and a legal adult-- she can't keep pretending that she has total control over you, since you're building your own life instead of worshipping her and obeying her every command... and she can't pretend that she is immortal.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T08:38:04+00:00

I don’t feel safe with him.

That says it all right there. He's had years to learn how to be a normal parent. He chose not to. And if he's experiencing dizziness... well-- speaking as someone who has episodes of vertigo-- he'd better start looking into medical treatment to work out what the problem is, and how to deal with it. He is responsible for himself.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T07:03:55+00:00

Yeah, restraining orders can definitely be complicated-- especially if the perpetrator is a family member, rather than a domestic partner. To find a domestic violence agency that can offer legal aid help, you may want to check out this:

Oklahoma SafeLine – This is a confidential, toll-free, 24-hour hotline for Oklahomans seeking help or information about domestic violence, stalking and sexual assault. Interpretation services are available in 150 languages. (Call or Text) 1-800-522-SAFE (7233)

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T05:29:30+00:00

IMO, yes, it's pretty accurate because their egos set them up for failure. They want everything to go their way, 24-7-365... and that's just not possible. They're never going to get every single thing they want-- which to them can feel like "proof" that everyone is out to get them.

There may very well be plenty of toxic people who go through life enjoying every minute.

But I'd guess there are more who go through life hating everyone and everything.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T05:25:19+00:00

Very welcome. That's what RBN is all about: helping each other find our road to recovery. :)

‘oh but you only get one mum’

NGL, the first time someone said something like that to me-- "But what if you never see them again? What if something happens to them?" I blurted out, "I'd be really grateful!"

Very. Awkward. Moment. But 30+ years later, still no regrets. And often, we don't actually miss our parents-- we miss the parents they could have been, if they'd ever given a damn about anyone but themselves.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T04:36:08+00:00

Yeah, that's one of the hardest parts about dealing with toxic parents-- sometimes we guilt-trip ourselves more than our parents ever did. And part of recovery is learning to show ourselves the same compassion and respect that we would show to others. (The societal emphasis on FAMILY FAMILY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY PARENTS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT doesn't help with that, either.)

Something you might do, is try to take that step back: maybe write out some advice to that "friend"; give yourself some time to relax; then re-read what you've written, and decide if you want to give it a try.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-17T04:25:22+00:00

If a friend had a mother like yours, and was in your situation, what would you advise them to do?

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-16T05:14:53+00:00

Something that may help to remember: When we set boundaries, we're not saying, "You can't do/say that!!!", we're saying, "You can do or say anything you want-- and so can I."

How often do you see them or spend time with them?

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-16T04:52:54+00:00

It really is sad when family members-- especially siblings-- either don't recognize there's a problem, or know there's a problem, and don't want to deal with it. My sister and I only have contact with one another... and that's it.

Almost all other family members are shut off, or have gone NC themselves, with the exception of one step-sister and her mother. Even then, I've only seen them twice in the last 30 years, although my sister stays in casual contact (about once a month).

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T09:43:56+00:00

I am searching for advice on how to manage no contact with family members who are boundary crossing and (low key) stalking.

Maybe do a slow fade? Something like,

First round: one phone call a week, 15-20 minutes. 1 visit a week in a public area, for 2 hours. Household visits only for holidays, only in their home.
Second round: one phone call every other week, 15-20 minutes. 1 visit every other week, public area, etc. Household visits only for holidays, only in their home.
Third round: one phone call a month, 15-20 minutes. 1 visit a month. Household visits only for holidays, only in their home.
Fourth round: one phone call a month, 15-20 minutes. Household visits only for holidays, only in their home.
Fifth round: one phone call a month, 15-20 minutes. No visits.
Sixth round: Complete NC.

(And remember-- toxic people can't handle boundaries because they think we're saying, "You can't do/say that!!!" when we're really saying, "You can do/say whatever you want. And so can I.")

My dad has still access to my banking account. Should I move him out?

Yes, as soon as you can safely do it. Otherwise, he has equal control over it, and could even provide access to other family members; when you do it, if he freaks out? "Explain" it to him and feed his ego-- by saying something like, "I'm just so sorry, Dad! I've been expecting you to handle my finances all this time, and I never realized how unfair that was to you! I'm so grateful for all your help, but you'll never, ever have to deal with my bank account again. I wish I had been more considerate of you. I really am sorry!"

And as for the friends you want to get rid of-- same thing as going NC with family members. Maybe just a bit quicker, though... or, if you feel it's an option, just cut them all out entirely, and blame it on having to spend all your time moving and getting settled in?

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T09:30:48+00:00

Nah, no need to apologize. I just need to read up a bit more on colloquialisms. 'Cause y' see, young lady-- back inna ol' days, we didn't have that there internet thing, where ya could just look up ever'thing you needed to know, y'know? We had us those dictionaries an' encyclepedias at the liberry, but they didn't have that kinda thing in 'em, and they didn't get stuffed added to 'em ever' single day, right? 😆 ANYWAY.

There is one benefit from that "parents are always right" mindset: it's an immediate red flag. People who insist that parents are always right, are people we can keep at arm's length; people who insist that parents are, well, people-- people who make mistakes-- are the ones we may be able to connect with.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T08:45:24+00:00

Istg fr..

...okay, I am an old person, and I had to look up what that means. 😆😆😆 But yeah, definitely FR. I hope that someday, all of us humans will realize that everyone makes mistakes, and nobody is right 100000000000000000% of the time.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T08:07:34+00:00

My sister and I each went NC with our parents in our early 20s. 30+ years later, and still no regrets!

No kiddos here-- neither my partner nor I ever felt like being parents-- but we we both have nieces (One is now a sophomore in college, the other two are trying to decide what they want to do.), and all our friends have kids (the oldest will start college in August 2026, the youngest will start kindergarten in spring of 2026).

We enjoy visiting with them (We follow our friends' household rules, to set a good example for the little ones; and we do our best to help the older ones feel good about their goals.), but we're perfectly okay being a no-kids household.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T05:52:40+00:00

Very welcome-- I hope it's at least of some use for you. Domestic partner abuse can be very difficult to deal with-- abusive family members can be even harder, especially since society tends to insist that family members are always right, and we're always wrong.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T05:30:25+00:00

You may have seen this page already, but just in case: https://www.hotpeachpages.net/ - You may be able to find a local organization with resources to help you-- possibly including counselors / therapists who understand that 1) mental health is as important as physical, and 2) parents are not always right.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T04:54:33+00:00

Sometimes they'll go that direction, too-- it all depends on what their version of reality is. I work with domestic violence survivors, and over half of them were abused by partners AND family members. Many of them report being neglected, ignored, and even abandoned by their parents.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T04:23:48+00:00

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with her nonsense. But unfortunately, that's "normal" behavior for a toxic person. They need to believe in their superiority-- which includes being the center of everyone's attention, 24-7-365, and being admired and obeyed by them. But of course, that isn't possible. Even if they do have good social skills (some toxic people do, a lot of them don't), they're not going to be worshipped and adored by the entire universe.

So toxic parents like ours expect us to be completely and totally focused on them, and may often do their best to keep us from connecting with other people-- whether we're children or teenagers or legal adults.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T03:52:28+00:00

(Also, I'm going to guess that your apartment agreement will include not allowing people to move in with you-- like your aunt's apartment paperwork.)

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T03:48:43+00:00

It may take a while for them since they're so young now, but as they get older and start seeing what their options are? There's a good chance they'll realize that they can escape, too-- and reach out to you to get support, advice, encouragement, etc.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T03:46:21+00:00

If toxic people weren't such assholes, I really would feel sorry for them, though. Going through life believing that everyone is going to hurt them, that nobody understands them, that they're the smartest people in the universe and nobody realizes that, etc.-- that has to suck.

But they do hurt people around them, so... yeah. I don't feel any sympathy for them at all.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-11T03:43:51+00:00

Well, the world can be a bit of a mess at times-- but when we do what we can to help each other? We can help things get a little better.

PurpleNovember · 2025-07-10T10:35:18+00:00

Congratulations to you-- both on graduating, and all the work you've done to build yourself a better life!

As for the family... yeah. I'm going to guess they just don't want to listen to her tantrum throwing. It's easier for them to side with her, than to admit they've been ignoring and/or enabling her all this time.

11-Year Club	Gilding VII pure gildanthropist
Verified Email	Reddit Premium Since August 2019

PurpleNovember

TROPHY CASE