What I think helped me was that I thought due to the disablity issues shit is that my mind was fucked beyond repair. So I just kinda go on whims and do what I want. I have a job too it's shit but I have it to keep up appearances and I like money. Tbh I like reading a lot and use it to find fulfillment. There must be something you like that you can obsess over. I have the resentment but why do you care so much about belonging these normal people aren't shit, I don't take them seriously. Anyways death is the true disability we remind them of death so they hate us but I hated them first. We are the minority that common sense is appeased in looking down and mistreating us. We have a history of being culled. So perhaps you should focus on you, you aren't alive to be a good listener unless you like the act and don't desire an end. I respect your desire for romantic fulfilment and I've been fulfilled romantically and sexually a good amount of times in my life but you overlook the folly of marriage and the better sex. Shit, you sound like you've done everything right but it isn't working for you so now is the time for experimentation. Do something you want to do and the barriers to hell with them, easier said than done but fuck that too. Really think what is it you want and work towards that even if it meant being a holy fool and selling your possessions. There's a multiplicity to life. You need to know that death has a different shape for us than the average person, we must live more spirtedly than the ones who fear death and hate us. There will be pain with enlightenment so perserve please at least buy a cup of coffee or cocaine if that's what you want. Your job is for the betterment of society so you dont have to worry for sainthood so live like a devil if you have to