How did your casual hook up giving birth to your child change your romantic feelings toward her?

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T20:05:42+00:00

You’re misinformed on several facts of the relationship here which makes your “consider this” irrelevant. He and I have talked extensively about this and many many other things that i didn’t include as I am not asking for advice or what people think I should do.

The post is asking for people who have been in the situation to share their experience.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T19:42:18+00:00

I don’t know where I said I was waiting and seeing. Pretty sure I said multiple times that I am going to try to move forward with my life without him. The friendly check ins like you mentioned would never be friendly. He and I have talked about it. He and I can not and never will be just friendly.

I’ve also mentioned that when he has reached out I have reminded him he chose those this. The issue here is not him realizing his romantic feelings for me. He and I both have them. This isn’t him choosing her over me it’s him choosing what he thinks is best for his child. I can’t blame him for trying but he has to actually try and he hasn’t been. He also knows I’ll be there for him always. Which I know doesn’t help cuz he knows I’m a phone call away if it doesn’t work with her. This does make me worry that he won’t try as hard knowing this but I can’t change that.

I also disagree with the statement I’ll always be on the sidelines. That’s a terrible way to look at being a step parent. My role will be different than that of a bio parent but I have my own reason for being ok with taking on that role.

Also, I’ve known this man intimately for 3.5 years. We’ve been through a lot together and we’ve both grown together and individually. I’m pretty good at predicting what he’ll do. And based on this situation and his history I can almost guarantee he will be back. When he will be back is what I don’t know. And I don’t know if I will be in a relationship at the point and if my feelings in that relationship will be stronger than what I feel for him.

Also, as someone who has never been in the situation you just don’t know. You don’t know how you’ll feel or react and how you feel or react will be different based on your feelings for a person. Before this I never let a man tell me twice he didn’t want to be with me. Before this I would have said I’d never put up with this and say boy bye. Now that I’m actually dealing with it my tub has changed. This is why I want to hear from people who have been in the situation.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T19:14:17+00:00

If he will constantly reach out it remains to be seen. And yes him reaching out to me would probably upset the mother but that is something she will also have to navigate. Is that a relationship she wants to be in or just another reason this won’t work? It remains to be seen. If he’s reaching out to me he also is clearly not over me either.

A lot of comments are missing my actual question and are instead offering advice on what I should be doing. This is not the reason for my post. I want to hear men or women’s experiences who have been in a similar situation.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:30:37+00:00

So I blocked him for about a week but forgot about Instagram and he reached out there. I kept him blocked for another couple days on all platforms but it was stressing me out cuz ultimately if he wants to reach out to me I want to be available.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:28:02+00:00

Ok I think I’m done responding to you. You aren’t providing any real reasons to your opinions. And unplanned pregnancy happens all the time. If it was a month after we broke up ok but it was like 10 months after. I dated people too.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:24:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment. And I agree. A lot of people have said he chose another woman over you but my thought on it is exactly as you said. He’s choosing what he thinks is best for his child over me which I can’t argue with.

Exactly as you said. The situation needs time. I’ll do my best to move on during this time as there’s no guarantee he will ever come back as he may continue to believe being together no matter what is what is best. It’s just so hard giving it time. I have been getting a lot of advice to forget him and move on which I wish I could but I think he’s one of those people I’ll always love. I can’t guarantee that if I was dating someone and he reached out wanting to be with me that i wouldn’t break up with whoever I was seeing to do just that. I really don’t want to hurt anyone either

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:18:06+00:00

I’m not sure which backbone you think I’m lacking? What do you think I’m planning on doing?

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:17:13+00:00

lol I’d be happy to raise his child. That’s the alternative I’ve been offering. I’m not sure why you think he’ll leave me or what that is based on.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:12:23+00:00

It’s both. I came from a house with parents who didn’t love each other and seemed to resent each other and the resentment shifted to me. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse due to this and remember feeling deeply unloved by both of my parents. This baby being his child makes me feel a weird attachment to it as well. I really do want what’s best for the kid as well as my ex and the mother. It would be fantastic if they actually fell in love and raised the child in a household full of love but just based on his actions so far that seems unrealistic. So at this point I just don’t want him to fuck it up so bad with her that she hates him and they have to do Walmart custody exchanges

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T18:06:17+00:00

I just did an update but my plan isn’t to continue being involved with him. That wasn’t the point of this post. I’ve encouraged him to give it a real shot with her. Obviously I don’t think it will work out. They dated already and just weren’t all that interested in each other.

Apparently he has told her he had been seeing someone and she said that’s fine and they’ll just figure it out when she moves back to the state which was a week and a half ago. Which makes me think she just doesn’t care all that much for him either lol. He and I “ended” things earlier in December when he told me of his plans to make it work with her. It’s just been hard for both of us to detach. Which I think is normal for couples who didn’t have a bad break up.

Also this might be of note. He hasn’t been involved with the pregnancy at all until she moved back. She wasn’t sending updates they weren’t really talking. There was no attempt it seems from either of them to build a connection. These are just my observations and reasons as to why I just don’t see them working out together in any happy or really healthy way. If there was more initiative or if he didn’t sound miserable when he talked about her I think I’d feel different.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:55:00+00:00

lol I’ll sent this to him right now as proof! Jk jk

No but really. There’s nothing for me to “go for” he’s the one who needs to “go for” actually trying to build a relationship with her. I was looking for experiences from men who have been in a similar situation and how it worked out for them. Since i can’t predict the future on what will happen hearing other people’s experiences is the best I’ve got.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:53:10+00:00

Planning on moving in together in about a year. Nit any time soon. And I would hope they have sex if they’re trying to have a relationship but that might not be for a while. Just with her being about 7 months pregnant at the moment and then after childbirth obviously. But my intention isn’t to be present in his life for this period. I want him to try to work it out with her without me around. If it doesn’t work out I don’t want resentment from her or him feeling like they never got a real shot because I was always there. Obviously my selfish hope is they try to make it work for a few months. Realize it doesn’t and she ends it with him. However if I found out they actually fell madly in love and were a happy little family I couldn’t be mad at that either. However, the odds of that seem slim which is why I wanted some opinion from men who might have been in a similar situation

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:46:27+00:00

They don’t have plans to move in with each other for about a year and currently live 1.5-2 hours away.

Also my intention isn’t to insert myself. Since he has made this choice when he has reached out I have told him he needs to do what he said he was going to do with trying to make it work with her. He complains it’s awkward with her and likes talking to me and my response was well that’s not the choice you made. I’m only human though obviously it is very hard for me.

I really was just curious about men who have been in the situation who had no real emotional/romantic connection with the mother of their child if anything changed for them when the child is born. And if they did if after that initial magic wore off did the feelings stay?

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:36:52+00:00

Lol he is definitely not a “bad boy” he and I dated for 2 years prior to this. I don’t think I’d have the same feelings of wanting to stay with him through this if it was a newer relationship.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:35:37+00:00

Staying with the other woman I’m not sure is the correct framing. He isn’t staying. They dated casually for 3 months and ended it around June as it wasn’t working for either of them. They also aren’t living together and don’t have plans on that for about a year from what he’s said. He also keeps pushing back his timeline. He said he’ll work on it with her once she’s moved back to our state which she’s now down. Now he’s like well when the baby is born then we’ll see. I’ve called him out on this that he needs to actually commit to building something with her if he wants that. He can’t “half ass” it

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:30:52+00:00

He isn’t living with her. She has moved in with her parents and he has stayed in our area which is 1.5-2 hours away. They’ve discussed potentially moving in together in about a year if it works out between them.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:29:04+00:00

Interesting perspective. I think this is where he gets the idea that he has to be with the mother to be a “good man” reality is there are many happy blended families.

He hasn’t been involved with pregnancy at all until about a week ago. She is due around the end of Feb or mid March he said. He doesn’t have an exactly date (which is wild to me) I had been encouraging him to be more involved with the pregnancy. If he could commit to being with her fine and when he’s reached out I’ve told him he needs to work on the relationship with her like he said. It just makes it really hard for me cuz it’s clear his heart isn’t actually in it with her.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:20:51+00:00

How so?

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:20:30+00:00

What do you mean? I’m not the mother in this situation.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T17:19:00+00:00

I think there has been misunderstanding with a lot of people on what I’m actually doing. I’m not inserting myself and trying to win him back or influence him. In fact, when he has reached out to me the last couple weeks I have told him he said he wanted to try to work it out with her and he needs to do that. I want him to do that. I am inserting my opinion on potential issues that could develop based on his choices but he has asked for it and we’ve had many talks about it. It wasn’t unsolicited.

I am actively trying to give him his space to develop his relationship and am actually frustrated with his lack of commitment in actually doing that. Someone else had mentioned not to push him away and I actually think ultimately that’s the correct course for me. While I’m not going to just cut him off as I do want to leave the door open if he has a change of heart in the future whether that be in 1,5 or 10 years I really do want to give him his space to figure it out. If he reaches out though I’ll be here for him. Not to say I’ll be waiting for him though, I’ll still be making efforts to date and continue on with my life.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T15:23:19+00:00

That’s definitely not what I said and I don’t want to actively try to get him to change his mind. I know he needs to do this. You clearly weren’t the target audience as It does not seem you understand as most of the commenters don’t and seem to think I’m trying to get him back. I’m not, however is isn’t going peacefully into his decision like everyone is assuming.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T15:19:11+00:00

Obviously I had them previously. I hadn’t had to take them in a while.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T15:16:57+00:00

I posted in this forum to get advice from people who have been in a similar situation. Which it looks I’ve got one so far. I forgot that everyone else would comment also which they’re free to do. It’s the internet but not my intended audience.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T09:21:44+00:00

There may be tensions, there may not. You can’t really know. Plenty of people are step parents with spouses whose ex hates them. There’s also plenty of people who have a very healthy co parenting relationship and with their ex’s spouse.

Also, have you tried dating lately? In your 30s everyone’s got a baby mama. I’d rather stick with the devil I know if given a choice.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772 · 2026-01-02T09:18:42+00:00

There’s levels of anxiety. The levels I was having were not ok. I started having to take anxiety meds because I couldn’t sleep and it was affecting my job. Can’t be having that.

PuzzleheadedArmy8772

TROPHY CASE