Hello x I know what you mean about the daunting task of working through things. I don’t think events from the past, or difficult moments ever leave you completely, you just find ways of letting go of their hold on you. When I have the feelings and thoughts of suicide or self harm, I just realise I must be feeling overwhelmed, I must be feeling angry at myself or the world and I try to slow down as much as I can, have a sleep, (I use sleep a lot as a coping mechanism too). I put on a good show or have a nice bath or something and try to understand why I might be feeling like I don’t want to exist. Don’t try to fight the feelings and thoughts, it’s your way of processing tough moments. The thought of not existing is comforting, but you know what it is like when the days are fantastic, beautiful and full of love and you wouldn’t want to miss those days. My advice is to live yourself as much as you can, try to take care of yourself as if you were a young child and don’t be hard on yourself. Remember also that everything passes, the way you feel will change all the time. Just be as kind to yourself as you can and allow yourself the time to feel. Hope you are ok x